Things to do: tune up internal filter

I knew he was going to be there Saturday. I knew for me, at least, things might be a little uncomfortable. Why, I don't know. He was the one that stopped calling.

From the start I knew I would need to make sure my internal filter was working. Not even five minutes after we were all gathered at the park entrance I had made a comment under my breath. Only my friend standing next to me caught it. It was just the first of many that day. Most of which only I know about.

Usually the filter is turned on high. Snide or sarcastic comments are kept internal. Not Saturday. They were flying out before I even knew it. As the day wore on I could see it would be for the best if I just kept my mouth shut. So I was quieter than usual. I could chalk it up to PMS, which was in full force and rearing it's ugly head.

But really what it boils down to is lingering bitterness. That unresolved little nugget of anger, festering away since the end of last September. Was I really that bad? Why was I good enough the first two times but not after that? Why was I back on the shelf so fast? Am I really that repulsive?

While the sun was setting and we were dodging raindrops it finally occured to me that the parting of ways was for the best. Personality clashes I had missed before, were made painfully clear. Things that I was willing to overlook were more obvious.

I needed it. It was time to let go. The comments were a part of that. I didn't mean to cause bad feelings but in order to let something go, I had to let go.

Loosen the filter, so to speak.

If only letting go of other things was just as easy.