Good bye old friend



Yesterday I had to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, say good bye to the one living thing who has always loved me unconditionally and always was there for me. The sickness was just too much and at his age (he was a ripe old 11-1/2) the prognosis was not good for him getting any better. It hurt to see him struggling for breath, the look on his face was just heart breaking. So I signed the papers. And with room mate with me we went into the room to say good bye. I broke down right away when I walked in. To see my poor dog laying on the table was just, more than I thought I could handle. But I stayed. I whispered in his ear about how good of a dog he is, that we'll all miss him and how much I loved him. I thanked him for the 11 wonderful all be it sometimes trying years that he gave our family.

And then just like that, he was gone.

So long my Wojy boy. I'll never have another dog like you.

Lazy, crazy Summer? Not so much

Seriously, is it June 22nd already?! Guh. Summertime really did wait to get to Pennsyltucky until today. It's been nothing but rain and temps in the 60s for the last week or so. I swear I think one of my friends has started building an ark in her backyard. Kind of appropriate considering she lives in Bethlehem (PA that is).

But I digress.

I have much on my mind right now but not anything that's on organized thought. Band is rolling along to band camp in August. Woo hoo. My enthusiasm meter is going up a little more which needed to happen in order for me to get through the upcoming season. Otherwise it would have been melt down city, population one until November. And heaven only knows poor Will would have bore the brunt of it too. But my attitude is getting better after a good practice last week and many conversations with other guard types.

The search for gainful employment in the area we're moving to is going strong. I've been able to keep to my goal of applying for at least 2 jobs a week, sometimes more. It's discouraging though. And I'm not exactly in NEED of a new job. Gives me new appreciation for those that have been searching for many more months than I have. I really want to have something lined up before September when we're hoping to move but at the rate I'm going, I'm not so sure that's going to happen. Sigh. It sucks but I guess the back up plans might need to go into effect. My biggest fear in all of this is that I won't be able to hold up my half financially. Will has been great in calming my fears. It's hard though, when you've been relying on yourself for so many years, to suddenly find someone willing to shoulder part of the burden and actually GIVE them some of it too. Guess I've gotten too independent for my own good.

Befuddled

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. The posting here in my little corner of the interweb has been lacking. O.k., it's been sucky. There I said it. As a blogger I fail with a capital F-A-I-L.

The truth of the matter is, there is a lot going on away from the computer screen. At work layoffs and firings have been a regular occurance. So far I've been spared the ax and so have most of my friends but still, it's scary in there. You never know if you're going to walk in and be asked to leave in the next 20 minutes. My job at the stadium started at the beginning of the May too. There's been so much rain that I've hardly worked (I'm wondering if I'm a jinx...) but there are a lot of homestands coming up that I'll hopefully be on the schedule for. Not much time for free time.

In between the jobs, trips to the gym (seeing recent photos of myself has not done anything for my self-esteem) and family issues (moved Grandma to an assisted living place last week and that is a whole nother can of worms in itself) I'm trying to squeeze in as much time with Will as I can. We're still doing the weekend thing but camp starts soon which will cut down on our time together. I miss him terribly in between visits so every moment together is that much more important to me. Luckily it won't be that much longer. We're taking the next step and moving in together in August.

Yep. Miss Commitmentphobic herself is moving in with her other half. It's a big step to be sure. But I'm ready. Sort of. Now I'm scrambling to find a job before we move because, well, no offense to my current employer but that job just isn't worth a commute of 90 minutes one way. Not at what I get paid. My resume has been posted with all the usual suspects and I've put the bug in the ear of several friends who live in the area we're planning on moving to, so that's pretty much covered. The part I guess that is both exciting and scarey for me at the same time is that I'm leaving here. South Central Pennsyltuky will no longer be my home and frankly, I'm a little freaked out about it. As much as I love new adventures it's going to be a big change. Big, big, big change. And as we all know, change can be a little freak out inducing.

In between the freaking out and moments of slight panic, I can see that this move is right. No, more than right...it's the next best thing to happen in my life. Because I can't see my life without Will and the road we're on, at least to me, is one we're on together. Sure, I know things won't always be smooth and honkey dorey bingo and yes, living with someone is way different than spending long weekends and small trips with them but I think we can handle it.

That being said, the future of this blog is, how do I put this? questionable. There is a lot on my plate in the next three months which means this blog will probably be neglected horribly. And I think maybe it's time to bring all of this to an end for now. I don't know.

Like the Irish Cream?

"Let me guess, it's another girl?"

Little Sis is pregnant again and yesterday went for the ultrasound that told them the new addition's sex. Ever since she announced her pregnancy, she's been CONVINCED it's a boy. Going so far as to spend a fortune on "boy clothes", toys, etc. anytime she even got near Target or Carters.

"Yep, James (bro-in-law) is going to flip out."

"You really think so? I mean Ry has her daddy wrapped around her little finger. Why would this one be any different?"

"He was convinced it was going to be a boy too. Oh well, at least I already have all that girl stuff from Ry."

"True, and what's wrong with having your child wear blue? Girls wear blue. I'm wearing blue right now."

"Uh, yeah, everyone will think she's a boy. Duh." (we may be older but we still revert to our childhood conversational abilities)

"Not so much...oh, by the way, did you have a name picked out?"

"Yeah, Baylee." (I didn't find out the proper spelling until after the conversation)

"Like the Irish Cream?! Oh I am totally going to refer to the new one as Irish Cream from now on."

"You're a dork."

"True, but at least I'm not naming my child with the same name as a liquor."

Conversations I never thought I'd be having

At my doctor's office last week:

"So, how was your year?" Nancy my nurse practitioner is fabulous. Straight forward and the favorite of any of my medical professionals.

"It was good. Busy, too busy!"

"Well that's understandable considering all of your jobs. Are you still seeing the same guy you were when I saw you last year?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I am. We've even brought up the M word." That made her chuckle. She turned on her stool and looked at me. "It's o.k. to say it Wendy. Marrrriiiiaaaaggggeee." Nancy and I go back a ways, so she's well aware of my committment issues.

I laughed a little too. "O.k., o.k., marriage...but not just yet. We are moving in together at the end of the summer though and maybe, in the next couple of years head in that direction. Which makes me bring this up. Um...well...I was wondering...how hard is it to get pregnant after being on the pill as long as I have?" The last part came out in a rush and my face turned red. Embarassed to be sitting in a room wearing nothing but a hospital gown and a paper sheet? No. But bring up the idea of having children, and my face turns the color of an over ripe strawberry.

"No, it's a reasonable question, and at the age you could potentially be when this happens, I'm glad you brought it up."

What followed was a conversation that to be honest, I never in a million years expected to have. Nancy went over with me the risks of preganancy as I get older and how I need now to start taking care of myself. Lose weight. Eat healthier. Pay more attention to my body and just treat it better. It was a wake up call because, let me tell you, more and more I'm seeing my life stretching out ahead of me and it not only includes Will, but a small version of the both of us.

For many years I believed the whole wife and mother thing was not for me. It was a protection mechanism, I see that now. If I didn't allow myself to think that I would head down that road then when indeed I did wind up on my own, I wouldn't be disappointed. And actually I tell Will all the time that right before I met him, I was in the process of giving up. Allowing myself to believe that I was 32 and my opportunities had passed. I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. But now, well, now I do have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'm almost certain that he feels the same way. At least I hope he does. If we keep heading down this path we're on, the idea of children is very real and considering my age, will have to happen hopefully before I'm in my 4th decade which is not all that far off.

Finally, it's an idea that doesn't scare the jeebers out of me.