Friday, May 23, 2014


I just finished watching a Lifetime movie called "Return to Zero". Short synopsis, a couple loses their child at week 38 of pregnancy and the movie follows them through the next year as they try to move on. The trials they experience. The grief and pain. The search for some shred of hope.

And yes, I cried through the whole thing.

I know, I know, I was only 11 weeks when we lost the pregnancy in October so I really should be over it by now, right? I mean, jeez, I wasn't that far in so why am I still going on about this? Because it WAS a loss. Because for the longest time I didn't think I wanted to have a child, and then suddenly I did. Because we were 3days from telling our families. Because every month I'm not, I'm reminded that despite what people say, time is not on our side. Because just once, I want to be a mom.

I'm trying to be hopeful. To throw those good thoughts out there to the universe and in return get the good back for once. I really am. I still have a hard time with the pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations. Three arrived at our house in the last week. I could only bring myself to accept one. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends who are expecting. I wish them nothing but happiness. I just think for my own self preservation, I'm better off not being there.

And yes, I know I can't run away from these things forever.

And I won't. I'm just not fully moved on. Yet.

I'm due to see my gyno in the next couple of months. I may ask about our options, not that we could afford IVF or any fertility treatments for that matter. Who knows, maybe we'll have a miracle happen and this will all be a moot point.

I just know I need to find a way to find my hope again. If nothing else, a person needs to have some hope.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Yeah, about that

So, next time I talk about things getting better, remind me to keep my mouth shut.

Two weeks ago tomorrow I was in a car accident on the way to work. I honestly don't remember what happened. I was going to make a left turn and the next thing I knew I was head on with another car. It all happened so fast that no one had time to react. Luckily, no one was critically injured. I was in the hospital until Thursday, requiring surgery on my crushed right foot. From what I understand the gentleman in the other car had a similar injury. I'll be out of work until at least the end of May (pins won't come out for another three weeks at least). Sigh.

Even worse, while I was in the hospital, we lost our sweet Chumley. He was sick. And getting worse. And suffering. So we made the humane yet heart wrenching decision to say good bye. As I'm typing this the tears are streaming down my face. I miss his loud obnoxious meows at 6 am. I miss his cuddling up on the couch with me or begging to go outside. I miss his sweet face. I miss him.

So that is that. I'm going to tempt the universe and fate by saying things can only get better, and hopefully this time someone will make it happen. Because really, I can't handle much more bad.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

It's got to get better, right?

Here we are three months in to the new year and I haven't posted once?!

Sigh. I'm so ambivalent about this thing anymore it isn't even funny. I think I'm mainly staying away because I don't want to be a Debbie downer. Not that things are bad. They just aren't good. Or great. And it always seems to be one thing happening after another.

Let's start with the good. I was promoted at the beginning of February to a position I had already been trained in anyway in a different department. Previously I had been working twice a week in this other department, but the company I work for finally decided to open up a full time position which I jumped at like a frog on a hot plate. It's more regular hours and definitely less stress as I don't have all of the extra projects dumped on me. The fact that I can walk out the door at 5 pm on the dot is a new and exciting one.

The lowering of my stress level came at a good time as my doctor had put me on high blood pressure meds in January. I guess all of the stress and loss of the end of last year finally hit me because I wasn't sleeping well and I had constant issues with a racing heart and headaches. The BP diagnosis caught me off guard. I usually had the opposite problem, low BP like my dad. I've been responding well to the medication but my doctor wants to keep me on it since I haven't lost as much weight as she wants me to. I'd love to drop the weight but that's a struggle I've had for a long time and I think now I need to take a hard look at myself and what I need to do to be healthy.

We are still trying to get pregnant and that's all I'm going to say about that. I'm coping with all of the pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations as best I can. Mostly just swallowing my sadness as we go another month with no success. I will admit I had a bad breakdown in January when we were in Maryland visiting Will's grandparents. His cousin and his cousin's wife stopped by to announce they were pregnant. I just couldn't handle it and quietly escaped to our bedroom where I bawled. And bawled and bawled some more. Sigh. I felt terrible for acting that way but the sadness and grief I was feeling was just overwhelming and I couldn't fight it. Maybe that was the turning point, I don't know but I've been able to cope a little better with our loss since then. April could be interesting because that was when I was due. April 20th. Now it's just another day.

Thursday is the start of Spring and with it I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it will be the start of something good.

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

A Mess

Today I saw three different people announcing pregnancies on Facebook.

I'm beginning to REALLY hate Facebook.

Truly, I'm happy for all of the new mothers (a college friend had her third child yesterday) and newly pregnant friends. My immediate reaction is less than gracious though. Today I sat in the bathroom for five minutes and cried. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help it. I'm upset that it didn't work out for us. And yes, we've been cleared to start trying again. My doctor doesn't think I'm high risk yet. But I've started wondering what we will do if we get to that point. We can't afford IVF or any other fertility treatments. Someone asked me if we would adopt? I honestly don't have an answer for that because adoption is another pricey endeavor.

But as my dad says, "Let's cross that bridge when we get to it."

Life is otherwise rolling along. We're more settled in to the house and Chumley is on the mend, since it seems like our decision to move somewhere with a backyard has brought out an allergy/asthma issue that wasn't there before. Poor guy spent a few weeks sneezing and coughing like crazy until we got him on an antibiotic. Now he's back to his normal, grumpy, meowing at the top of his lungs self.

Work Lots of projects on my plate. On the plus side, I makes my day go faster.

This month started off on a positive note and I'm hoping that it keeps going that way. I can't handle any more downhill falls.

Saturday, October 19, 2013


Today as we walked through Target I couldn't bring myself to look at at the baby section. As we walked by four aisles of baby necessities, I turned my head toward the books and movies. I just couldn't do it. Seeing all of that stuff was just a reminder of what had been lost just two weeks ago. And I couldn't handle it, so to keep from losing it, I avoided those aisles and quickly moved toward electronics.

It will get easier, right? I won't always avoid anything baby and hide pregnant friends from my Facebook feed, right?

I hope so.

Speaking of things I'm avoiding, tonight is my 20 year high school reunions. I had, and still have, some great friends from high school. Many of the people I still keep in touch with, but I still can't let go of how I was treated by others in my class. I'm pretty sure if I had gone tonight I would have gotten drunk and told a few people off. After all of these years you'd think I would have let it go, but I haven't. If some of the things that I went through then were done now it would be called bullying. But then it was all just considered part of growing up. I do consider myself a stronger more tough version of myself circa 1993. There's something about being around some of those people though that makes me revert back to that time and hope that I can just walk down the hall unnoticed.

Yeah, I'm better off at home tonight watching "Big Bang Theory" and hanging out with my cats. They're better company than some of the people who will be at the reunion tonight anyway.