Passing

I just finished watching a Lifetime movie called "Return to Zero". Short synopsis, a couple loses their child at week 38 of pregnancy and the movie follows them through the next year as they try to move on. The trials they experience. The grief and pain. The search for some shred of hope.

And yes, I cried through the whole thing.

I know, I know, I was only 11 weeks when we lost the pregnancy in October so I really should be over it by now, right? I mean, jeez, I wasn't that far in so why am I still going on about this? Because it WAS a loss. Because for the longest time I didn't think I wanted to have a child, and then suddenly I did. Because we were 3days from telling our families. Because every month I'm not, I'm reminded that despite what people say, time is not on our side. Because just once, I want to be a mom.

I'm trying to be hopeful. To throw those good thoughts out there to the universe and in return get the good back for once. I really am. I still have a hard time with the pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations. Three arrived at our house in the last week. I could only bring myself to accept one. It's not that I'm not happy for my friends who are expecting. I wish them nothing but happiness. I just think for my own self preservation, I'm better off not being there.

And yes, I know I can't run away from these things forever.

And I won't. I'm just not fully moved on. Yet.

I'm due to see my gyno in the next couple of months. I may ask about our options, not that we could afford IVF or any fertility treatments for that matter. Who knows, maybe we'll have a miracle happen and this will all be a moot point.

I just know I need to find a way to find my hope again. If nothing else, a person needs to have some hope.