Tuesday, March 18, 2014

It's got to get better, right?

Here we are three months in to the new year and I haven't posted once?!

Sigh. I'm so ambivalent about this thing anymore it isn't even funny. I think I'm mainly staying away because I don't want to be a Debbie downer. Not that things are bad. They just aren't good. Or great. And it always seems to be one thing happening after another.

Let's start with the good. I was promoted at the beginning of February to a position I had already been trained in anyway in a different department. Previously I had been working twice a week in this other department, but the company I work for finally decided to open up a full time position which I jumped at like a frog on a hot plate. It's more regular hours and definitely less stress as I don't have all of the extra projects dumped on me. The fact that I can walk out the door at 5 pm on the dot is a new and exciting one.

The lowering of my stress level came at a good time as my doctor had put me on high blood pressure meds in January. I guess all of the stress and loss of the end of last year finally hit me because I wasn't sleeping well and I had constant issues with a racing heart and headaches. The BP diagnosis caught me off guard. I usually had the opposite problem, low BP like my dad. I've been responding well to the medication but my doctor wants to keep me on it since I haven't lost as much weight as she wants me to. I'd love to drop the weight but that's a struggle I've had for a long time and I think now I need to take a hard look at myself and what I need to do to be healthy.

We are still trying to get pregnant and that's all I'm going to say about that. I'm coping with all of the pregnancy announcements and baby shower invitations as best I can. Mostly just swallowing my sadness as we go another month with no success. I will admit I had a bad breakdown in January when we were in Maryland visiting Will's grandparents. His cousin and his cousin's wife stopped by to announce they were pregnant. I just couldn't handle it and quietly escaped to our bedroom where I bawled. And bawled and bawled some more. Sigh. I felt terrible for acting that way but the sadness and grief I was feeling was just overwhelming and I couldn't fight it. Maybe that was the turning point, I don't know but I've been able to cope a little better with our loss since then. April could be interesting because that was when I was due. April 20th. Now it's just another day.

Thursday is the start of Spring and with it I am hoping with every fiber of my being that it will be the start of something good.

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