Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Why you shouldn't piss off the hostesses
(an open letter to the patrons of my part-time)

Dear guests,

I would like to take this opportunity to advise of a few issues in regards to your conduct and/or actions while visiting my part-time place of employment. While we do enjoy your patronage, please take note of the the suggested corrections for the following list of irritating behaviors (corrections noted in italics):

- When a host greets you at the door, it is not because we are happy to be standing there with no breaks for 5 hours. Usually, this means that yes, we are on a wait for tables. For the love of God use the freaking eyes he (or she) gave you and take a look at the lobby full of people just standing there. They are not loitering for their good health and we are not standing there with a clipboard because we have nothing better to do.

- If you don't want to sit in smoking/non-smoking/on the patio then please advise us of this fact. Is it reall so hard to say "We'd like to sit in non-smoking" and be done with it?! Don't wait until we get you to your table and say something like "Oh, we didn't realize this was where such and such a section was. Can we go to some other section that's already full?" Throw us a freaking bone here.

- Following the same path of thought, we are seating you at a certain table for a reason. Please just go with us and accept the table, especially when we're super busy and don't have many other options to offer you. We know everyone wants the almight booth to sit in, but there are only so many to go around. So take your seat, sit down and shut the hell up! There's a reason you are being put where you are, more than likely it's because our stupid managers didn't bring in enough servers to cover the early part of the shift. When you want to sit outside of the section we take you to, we must then run around the restaurant like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to find a server to take care of you.

- Most nights, yes we are on a wait for tables. No, we do not accept reservations or call-aheads. While we can tell you what our current wait is, no, we have no idea what the wait is going to be 2 or 3 hours from now. But let me grab my magic 8 ball, give it a shake and see what we come up with!

- While 10 percent may be acceptable to you for a tip, please bear in mind that the server you must tip, also must share that with all of the hostess that are working as well as the bartenders and bussers. Quit being such a cheapass and give us what we deserve! If the service sucks, well then, feel free to tip accordingly. But really, when we are busting our humps to get you seated in a timely manner and the server is killing themselves to make you happy, make sure you show some appreciation in the tip amount. Hosts only make $2.83 per hour. With a 3% share of the tips. On a good night we might walk out with $50. Usually it's closer to $10.

- Children do count as people. Remember those little people standing next to you? The ones that demand all of your attention and require your help to live? Yeah, they count as people to us. They take up space at the table so yes, they are people. Don't tell us you have four when really you have six in your party. Just because they're kids, doesn't mean they must sit on the floor. There's a big freaking difference between a table that accomodates four and one that accomodates six. Help us, to help you.

That about covers it for now. If any other issues pop up we will be happy to point them out to you and advise ways for you to make your dining experience and our work shift a little more happy.


Sassy Sandy said...

I loved this!! I don't miss the restaurant business at all. Thanks for making me laugh!

mr. helpful said...

here's my all time favorite:

phone rings...

me: blah blah blah, how can i help you?

them: i'd like to make a reservation

me: sure. what date and time?

them: tonight at 7pm.

me: uh, sir? that's 15 minutes from now.

them: yeah, so what? you take reservations dont you?

me (shaking my head ever so slowly): sir, it's friday night and our reservation list is totally full and we have a two hour wait. the next reservation i have available is at 9pm. would you like that one sir?


me: sir, that's the best i can do for you. do you want the reservation or not?

them: click.

Lyzz said...

As long you aren't bitter about it . . .:-)

Rajesh Sundaram said...

belated happy birthday to you...visit me if you can and please do post comments.

Take care