Work friend M is getting married this weekend. For the third time.
In the two years since I've been at my current full time, she's one of the few co-workers I've gotten close to. O.k., she's one of two. And we're not exactly bosom buddies. Just good work acquaintences who sometimes get together outside of the office. That's it.
But I digress.
She announced her engagement about six months ago and had originally planned on doing the whole big wedding thing again. But this time, life got in the way in the form of health issues for her intended, so they moved the date up and they're heading off out of state for a vacay/nuptials/honeymoon all in one type deal.
The part I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around is, it's the third time. She told me about the first two times, so I understand why she's on number three. The first was just too soon and too young. The second, well, asshole is not a name you give to someone you care about. This time though, she seems happy. Relaxed. Ready to make this one work.
And that totally floors me.
Considering my own history of abbreviated relationships, one night stands and guys who don't return my phone calls or break up with me via text message. It's easy to see how I could be jaded about the whole love and marriage thing, right? Oh don't get me wrong, love is a wonderful thing, blah, blah, blah. Except when it happens at the wrong time, with the wrong person...and you don't exactly bounce back. The bounce ran out of my superball of a heart a long time ago. And now, well, now it just kind of bounces once, if you're lucky. Too many chunks and gouges have been taken from it.
I told M this when we had the chance for one of our conversations. How I wish I could let my guard down. Let someone in again...how I do try, but everytime I do, I end up right back where I was with the walls a little higher. She didn't have any advice, as I had hoped considering all she had been through. All she could do is look at me and tell me "You have to have just a little hope there's someone better out there. Don't give up. That's the best thing I can tell you."
Hope. It's such a short word but it covers so much from maintaing the tiniest bit of it just to keep going to toting around a 10 gallon drum of the stuff on a daily basis. Lately mine as been the size of the point of a needle.
But somewhere, I'd like to think, there's some. Somewhere.