Sunday, March 11, 2007

Squeezed

There are times, at night, when I just can't sleep. Too much rattles through my head and I can't make myself close my eyes because when I do, that's when the tears fall. The darkness and solitude are too much and I let the pain go.

Let the squeezing of my heart take over, and let the tears go. The ones I try so hard to hold back. The ones that hide, just under the surface while I play the happy go lucky, nothing is ever wrong, type.

While inside I feel like my heart is being squeezed so hard it hurts.

And really, it does.

Tonight I spent time with two guys who whether they realize it or not, have made me cry. One, I thought I could see myself with long term. The other, well, the other is a good friend who really is just being nice. But still, rejection hurts. Hard. And the older I get the harder it is to take which is why I'm sitting here fighting back the tears as I write this. Because by this stage of the game, I'm believing that it's me. You see, before I always was able to make myself believe the problem was them. They're just dumb boys. Men are so fickle and stupid. Blah, blah, blah. But now, really, what is the common denominator in all of my failures? Me. I'm the one to blame. How, I don't know. Maybe I really am just that horrific and unfortunate that I repel guys in a single glance. Maybe the walls have gotten too high. Or maybe I just can't get past the one, I don't know.

I just wish it wouldn't hurt so hard. That I wouldn't cry myself to sleep. And that maybe, somewhere, out there, was someone who wasn't totally repelled by the sight of me and wanted to love me. For me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Why does it have to be your fault all the time? You've lived in the same town, in the same region, in the same part of the same country for a long, long time. Maybe the right guy simply isn't in your neck of the woods. Maybe you need to branch out, explore the world and see if your special someone lives outside Pennsyltucky.

Just a thought.

kate said...

To say "it's not you, it's them" is so cliche but so true. YOU are wonderful. Don't let your happiness depend on what someone does or doesn't think of you. You are worth so much more than that!

agategoddess said...

Thanks for the input. My issues tend to get magnified after a few beers at 1 a.m. I'm one of those girls who sometimes holds back until she needs to let loose...and that's what this post was. A bloodletting, if you will.

Anonymous - I'm not totally rooted in this place. Yes, I've lived here most of my life, but I do realize there is more to the world than South Central Pennsyltucky. If I could afford a move, I'd pick upt and go right this minute. But I can't. So it's on the backburner. I'm looking into jobs elsewhere though and updating the resume.

Katie - Thanks chica. Sometimes everything just crashes in at one time and I go a little crazy. Especiall after 1...or 10 beers. Right now I've got a lot of me I need to concentrate on. And that is about all I can handle.

Anonymous said...

Understood, but I've been in similar situtions and believe me, it doesn't cost that much, either emotionally or financially, to make the leap. As Kate said, don't let others define what's right or wrong in your life.

Stay strong.