There are times, at night, when I just can't sleep. Too much rattles through my head and I can't make myself close my eyes because when I do, that's when the tears fall. The darkness and solitude are too much and I let the pain go.
Let the squeezing of my heart take over, and let the tears go. The ones I try so hard to hold back. The ones that hide, just under the surface while I play the happy go lucky, nothing is ever wrong, type.
While inside I feel like my heart is being squeezed so hard it hurts.
And really, it does.
Tonight I spent time with two guys who whether they realize it or not, have made me cry. One, I thought I could see myself with long term. The other, well, the other is a good friend who really is just being nice. But still, rejection hurts. Hard. And the older I get the harder it is to take which is why I'm sitting here fighting back the tears as I write this. Because by this stage of the game, I'm believing that it's me. You see, before I always was able to make myself believe the problem was them. They're just dumb boys. Men are so fickle and stupid. Blah, blah, blah. But now, really, what is the common denominator in all of my failures? Me. I'm the one to blame. How, I don't know. Maybe I really am just that horrific and unfortunate that I repel guys in a single glance. Maybe the walls have gotten too high. Or maybe I just can't get past the one, I don't know.
I just wish it wouldn't hurt so hard. That I wouldn't cry myself to sleep. And that maybe, somewhere, out there, was someone who wasn't totally repelled by the sight of me and wanted to love me. For me.