Opening up and closing off

"Sometimes you just have to keep yourself closed off."

"I don't want to be like that though..."

"Nobody does. But it's usually for the best."

TBD and I were at dinner last night when we got into a conversation about relationships. The irony of the situation isn't lost on me. The last person to really break my heart and I talking about the one thing neither one of us is good at. Talk about your situational comedy.

I had been lamenting the fact that I really wanted to let myself open up to someone I had been talking to a lot recently. Me opening up to someone is a big deal because after all of the cracks, bumps and gouges taken from my heart over the years, I tend to hold back. With this guy though, well, I felt comfortable enough to start letting down the walls. And that's usually when I get hurt the most, when the walls come down. I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about anything. He's been through a lot at the end of the last year and I want to give him the space needed to deal with it all. Lately though I find myself missing his voice and our email conversations (he's located a few states and a time zone west of here).

Deep down I'm preparing myself for the inevitable end of things. Because that's what happens. I don't know why but it's been like clockwork with the last couple of guys...five or six months in *bam* the brick wall. Not that the current gentleman and I are anything serious, even though I wouldn't mind it being that. It's just hard to get serious when the object of your seriousness is so far away.

I don't even think that made any sense.

But back to the conversation. TBD and I moved on to other topics but I kept coming back to that little exchange. I realized I don't want to be closed off. That's an awfully lonely way to live your life and I've decided that this year, I'm going to be open to anything. Well, almost anything, but anything just the same. It occurred to me that just maybe I've been holding myself back not just from people but from life in general and that is no way to live.

I have no way of knowing what is going to happen with The Guy. I'm hoping he'll decide that I'm worth the effort and that we'll continue our correspondence, phone calls and plans for visits...but if he decides otherwise, well, I guess I'll just have to get out the spackle, repair the cracks and move on.