Friday, February 22, 2008

These shoulders aren't that wide

I'm sorry. I just couldn't hack it. It all just piled up and...well...I needed time away.

Time to think.

There has been a lot of (and please forgive me Mr. Moyer for using this word), stuff going on the last two weeks. Work has been crazy. As morbid as it sounds, we're in our "busy" season. It gets cold and sad to say, the number of obits rises. Weird, I know but one of the little known facts about the newspaper business. Temperatures drop, deaths go up. Track it in your own papers, you'll see.

We experienced a death in my own family. My great-uncle passed away after about a year and a half of quickly declining health. He was 86, almost 87. My mom's side of the family is pretty close so I've known Uncle Dave all of my life and the birthday parties, cookouts and family get togethers just aren't going to be the same. Ironically, my cousin Amy, his granddaughter, found out she's pregnant after trying for the last 6 years. Aim's due in August.

Still haven't heard from Mr. St. Louis. It saddens me, because I thought maybe by now I would have at least received an email or something. Instead it's the same old story, just drops off the face of the earth without so much as a by your leave. Sigh. In the interim and on the advice of once of my oldest and dearest friends I've taken a step back for real. I've actually been thinking about me...about what it is that I really want. And you know what? I. Have. No. Idea. Sad, isn't it that at the age of 32, I'm still wandering through life a little aimlessly. It's almost like I've just been drifting along letting life happen to me, instead of making life happen.

There are definitely things that need to change. Most of it involving my attitude about men. And love. And dating. Not necessarily in that order either. I'd have to say the most liberating came again from Oldest and Dearest Friend...that my life does not end when a guy ends things or begins when one suddenly shows interest. All of my life I've been living a lie, spouting forth my "I'm a liberated, independent, fully secure in my own skin" rhetoric and instead thinking and doing the exact opposite.


But it takes time and finally, I'm ready. More ready than I've ever been to ENJOY my life.

I'm also opening myself up to the idea that maybe there is someone out there for me. And it's entirely possible he may be someone completely unexpected. Maybe younger than anyone else I've ever been with...or older for that matter. Who knows. I just think that without even realizing it my walls are starting to come down and I'm ready to change my thinking on the whole process.

I've gotten back to the gym on a regular basis now that the ankle has healed. And it feels good. It feels good to know I'm doing something for myself. After all, you can't love someone else, until you love yourself.

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