Last night I had a nice loooong post about something all typed out. It was more of a cathartic kind of post, the chance to spill my guts and get a few things off of my chest (which would maybe help me lose some weight too since that is where it all tends to leave from anyway when I'm dropping poundage).

I still have the draft. At the last minute I chickened out. I think the topic is more for my other diary. Someday someone will probably read it, hopefully after I'm long gone so I don't have to go about explaining why grandma was such a whiney loser in her late 20's. We'll see. I may post it at a later date.

Instead I'd like to talk about dreams. More particularly one I had last night. It was so upsetting I woke up crying at 4:30 a.m. Not just tears streaming down my face, but outright sobbing. I don't remember much of the background but the part I do remember terrified me more than anything I've ever dreamt. Basically, I dreamt that I was in the midst of labor, about to have my first child. Delivery room was all set up, doctors were all around, my mother was in the background and this is where it starts to get weird...the tall dark haired guy (regular in my dreams since I was about 16) was there. I haven't seen him in one of my dreams for well over a year but there he was. Plain as day. Right next to me, holding my hand as I went through contractions. Now this is the part that made me cry, I dreamt that after all of the labor and pain I was only allowed to look at my baby once, then it was taken from me. In my dream I was screaming about keeping my baby but no one would listen and before I knew it he was taken away. Like it was a punishment for something I did wrong.

Sigh. I really have to watch the eating before I go to bed. I can't handle another emotionally draining night like that.

After I calmed down and went back to sleep I had some very pleasant dreams about vacationing in the Carribbean. Weird. I'm really not sure what weirded me out more, the baby thing or the tall dark haired guy being there. Guh.

Talk about your messed up.