Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The full range

It never ceases to amaze me how it is possible to experience the full range of emotions in the span of a day.

Not even a day, 14 or 15 hours.

This morning I slowly raised one eyelid just long enough to glare at my alarm clock, pound the snooze button and go back to sleep.

10 more minutes....

30 minutes and about 3 more pushes of the snooze button later I was bounding out of bed, reaching for my robe and trying not to wake anyone else in the house as I attempted the fastest shower on the face of the earth.

Why can't I just freaking get up when the damn thing goes off the first time? was my frustrated thought as I quickly pulled clothes out of the closet and fed the dog on my way out the door. My hair was still wet when I pulled into Sheetz for a quick pick up of a large coffee and a bagel.

The tasks of my day wound through my head all during my work day. At the top, finish cleaning the house before Friday night's Girls Night Out. If the cool weather wasn't motivating enough then the thought that my mother would be in attendance definitely was. Nevermind the fact that the EPA had just added my address to it's Super Fund Clean Up sites list.

An appointment with a trainer (no, it wasn't Mr. hottie my whole motivation for going to the gym this time) was scheduled for after work. My blood pressure was pretty well up by the time I got there. Some idiot had cut me off. I promptly flipped him off. The laundry list of chores ahead of me hung over my head. Oh god, were they going to weigh me and do the caliper things again?! A wave of anxiety, frustration and disappointment in myself hit me harder than the first notes at a Def Lepard concert.

Oddly enough, it wasn't all that bad. The new trainer is fun and very personable. My new program is something different that just may keep me going back to the gym. Even more shocking, by the time we were finished, I was relaxed. About 85% of my tension was gone.

Hallelujiah, saints be praised.

As is often the case when I'm driving, I started thinking about other things going on. How I had been holding back lately. The job search, eh, it's there. Dating? What is this dating activity you speak of? It's been six or seven months since any available man has expressed interest in me. And, I admitted to myself, you're not exactly putting yourself out there.

Armed with a renewed energy I started working on Phase 2 of the clean up (Kitchen was Phase 1 and went over brilliantly). The dining room. For now it looks great. We'll see how long that lasts. The sense of accomplishment however, that is something I'm loving. Who knows, I may just clean like this all the time.

With the clean up finished I sat down to catch up on some magazine reading. At the end of my September issue of Self (told you I was behind) was a brilliant article by Lauren Slater (I think that was her last name). It tackled the topic of living life to it's fullest. Letting go of some of the fears that hold you back. For her, it was flying for the first time on a business trip and steaming lobsters. She also recounted how she faced her fear of death by helping an elderly couple at her vet's do the horrible task of putting down their beloved dog (I was crying at this point).

Fear is a horrible thing. Unless it get's conquered, or harnessed positively in order to move along, it holds us back. Keeps us from moving our lives forward. LIVING. It occured to me I've been holding onto some pretty silly fears lately. Fear of turning 30. Fear of having my heart broken, again. Fear of just what might happen if I don't accomplish all that I want to.

Someone said to me the other day they envied me. I have a wide open road ahead of're entering your Jordan years, was the exact quote. I like that. As I head along there is so much yet to do and experience. So much more to life than sitting at home afraid of putting myself out there.

It's a wide open road and I'm ready to put the pedal to the metal baby. It's time to start moving.

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