Nerves of spaghetti
This post by Fish pretty much says it all.
Much like my fellow blogger I find myself, to put it bluntly, closing myself off. Honestly, I have been for the past couple of months. Sure, I complain about lack of dates. Lack of quality men and quite frankly the disappearance of my sex life since March. But really, I only have myself to blame.
Tonight was no exception.
J and I have been hanging out quite a bit lately. He only lives about two blocks away from me so on occasion I'll get a knock on my door while I'm watching TV some night. Or he'll call me for a beer after work. Every now and then I'll give him a call when a movie is coming out that I know we had both mentioned we wanted to see. Nothing complicated. Just easy.
Tonight though, well, tonight we went on a date. Yep, the dreaded D word. He actually was the one to use it, when after cancelling on me last week told me we would go see Jarhead this week. I came up with Thursday, after work we could still make a matinee. He replied "Sure, let's make it a date then. We can go grab dinner too."
For a minute I thought I had heard him wrong. Date? Did he just say date?!
So I gussied myself up more than usual today. Actually did my hair. Put on makeup. Wore something that showed off the girls (the D twins are my best asset). Made an effort.
And it just wasn't there. It was like being out with room mate #1. No stomach flutters. No fireworks. Nothing. Sigh.
On one level I'm glad. J's a good friend and I wouldn't want anything to change that. On another, god, it's been soooo long. Isn't there anyone out there? Someone? I understand 95% of the effort has to be mine. I need to put myself out there more. Turn on the old charm.
But I just don't think I can yet. There are still some things I need to get over. Somethings that are holding me back. Some feelings I need to let go of, once and for all.
Oh, I'm getting there. And the sight of Jake Gyllenhaal's incredibley yummy body definitely helps. But for now, closing off is for the best.