Thursday, December 08, 2005

Sometimes, I get right there. I mean right there, ready to get out there again and just move on. Put the past behind me. Put the old hurts somewhere else. Be the confident, fun loving girl ready to charm any guy in my path with a single glance.

But lately, I've forgotten how that feels.

To go out and strike up a conversation with the hottie across the bar. Flash a smile at the brooding dark haired Holden Caulfield type at Borders or use my best flirtatious look with the guy behind me at Starbucks.

The confidence is gone. And to be honest, I haven't been looking very hard for it.

It was an email exchange with an old friend the other day that got me thinking about it. How lately, I'm more inclined to stay in with a movie than go out with some friends. Or even just sit at home alone with a bottle of wine. Or how when I am out, I don't make eye contact usually staring at my drink or looking off at a television.

Granted, I never was the kind of girl to put herself out there. In my early 20s when the group would go out I was the girl who didn't dance. When guys would walk up to talk I naturally assumed they were going for one of my friends. I was the wingwoman.

I hadn't realized it but my shrinking away from the dating scene has been going on for quite some time. Less chance of getting hurt, you see. Less chance of making a fool out of myself. During the course of our exchange, Old Friend said something along the lines of "it's like a lottery, the more you play the better your chances. If you don't meet someone then how are you going to date?!" (or something like that). Easy for Old Friend, they're married. They're out of the game. I think my reply back was something like "yeah, it's like the lottery, and just remember, not everyone wins."

And deep down, I know they're right. I know I need to get myself back out there again.

The problem is actually doing it.

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