In the back of my mind, I was half expecting it.
Around 2:30 Saturday my phone buzzed with a text message.
Don't think I'll make it tonight.
I just sighed. More explanation came a short time later. Turns out one of his work obligations was running later than expected and he didn't think he'd be done in time for the hockey game. The next messages was short.
Don't be mad
I stopped short with this one. Was I really mad? Maybe because I had been almost expecting it, I wasn't as much as if it had caught me off guard. Disappointed was more the word I was looking for. I was hoping this would be a good chance for us to hang out beyond our usual mode of getting together.
I told him as much.
Luckily Friend J was home, didn't have to work and was available that night. He's quickly becoming my backup date for events. J's the Will to my Grace, except he isn't gay and I'm not nearly as pretty or thin.
I keep going back to that text exchange. And one we had around Thanksgiving. Turkey day was a flurry of activities with the family and football games but toward the end of the night, when things were starting to settle down, he texted me.
I think I'm looking for commitment.
This shocked me. At the start of our renewed "friendship" he had told me he didn't want anything resembling the c-word, just friends, blah, blah, blah. You know the lines. Now, all the sudden he's changing the rules on me? Going into this I had already decided that it was best to keep him at arms length. Especially after the previous episode last spring. The more I kept him on the outer edges, the less chance I had of getting hurt.
I replied with a quip about him having a change of heart. Apparently he had heard from three of his exes that day, all of whom told him how happy he had made them when they were together, before things went wrong. My heart melted a little...who wouldn't? I told him he deserved a good woman. Someone who was looking for something serious. He just replied with a yeah.
Since then we've gotten together once. But we still message each other. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm melting even more. The realization that hey, you're 31 and these non-committed relationships that don't go anywhere just aren't cutting it hit like a ton of bricks.
Which is why the idea that he may be bailing on me, is a hard pill for me to swallow.
I don't know, maybe I'm the one looking for an excuse to bail. Maybe we've come to the end of the road and that's that. Or maybe we're both too scared to make the move that needs to be made. Who knows. What I do know is that I'm caring about this whole thing way more than I ever thought I should...or could.