It's quiet today. The recent return of the S word and just the fact that it's a Monday in general, is making me bored out of my mind. No one is coming into the office or sending me emails. It's one of those rare days when I have time to breathe and get caught up.
With time on my hands, I decided to sneak onto the internet (frequent trips to the information superhighway are highly verbotten around here), clean out some emails since I'm in an organizational frame of mind. Then I found one or two from him.
Him who? Just him. The one man on the face of this earth I have ever fallen in love with. Who still, whether he realizes it or not, has quite a strong hold over me. The one man I ever truly fell for without holding back...and the one I need to forget the most.
I hadn't even remembered keeping the messages.
They were short, quick little notes to just say hi, see how I was doing after whetever it was that was going on between us had ended. I should have deleted them a long time but for some reason, found it necessary to keep them. After rereading the messages I deleted them. No need to keep something around that would only cause me pain.
Then with nothing else to do I moved on to Blogger.
And was hit again.
Sometimes, I need to write things out to get rid of residual emotions. At home, tucked away in boxes are little black notebooks with poetry, letters, etc. written to get out whatever emotional turmoil I was holding in. It's a form of therapy I engaged in without actually going to a therapist.
After him and I ended I wrote two drafts of blog posts. Addressed as letters they spoke solely to him. Revealed how much I had fallen and how I was having a hard time forgetting. Reminded him that after all of this time (one was just written a year ago) he still had a hold on me. I never posted them. In fact, I thought after I switched over to the new Blogger they were lost. But they weren't. And as I reread them today my heart was squeezed a little more. Because they reminded me of a time when I allowed myself to let go and feel something without reservation.
And lately I'm left wondering if I can ever do that again.