Because not letting it happen is easier than letting it
It's rare when I take a day off in the middle of the week for something other than illness. Usually I get through my year and find that I still have a few sick days and most of my personal days left. Maybe I'm a workaholic or maybe it's just one of those things that I don't need them, but after not using all 8 of my sick days last year and only 2 personal, I decided 2007 was going to be different.
So yesterday, J and I both took off work and spent the day together.
Nothing we did was overly exciting. We went to the next town over to look at buildings for a possible business he wants to open. Several caught his eye. One is perfect, assuming he gets the funding he needs and it's as architecturally sound on the inside as it is on the outside. We grabbed a brew in the middle of our excursion. The day was all about not having any major plans and just enjoying each other's company. Which at least I did, up until he went to leave later that night.
We had scrapped our plans to go see Ghost Rider and instead picked up Cocktail and some fixings for dinner (steak, potatoes, veggies, etc.). While he cooked I settled in on the couch to catch up on my news watching. He joined me on the couch to watch the movie which was exactly how I was looking forward to ending the day. Low-key and in the company of someone I was really wanting to spend time with.
As the movie came to an end, he turned to me and told me we needed to talk.
This was the point of the evening where he told me he knew I was starting to fall for him but he just didn't have time for a relationship now. And he thought of me more as a good friend than anything else. And he didn't want to jeopardize that. Same speech, different guy.
I held it together until he left, which he did soon after his declaration.
Then I had time to think about it, and realized he was right. Because in the end, if we did end up officially going out, it would have ended the same way it always does. Me with a broken heart and one more wall up. Because that's how it always works out.
This way, it's nipped in the bud early.
Not sure how it's going to play out from here. J is one of my best friends but usually I need time away from someone before I can start letting them back in as a friend. We're supposed to go see Ghost Rider Monday after I get out of work and I'm seriously considering bowing out. Not that I don't want to hang out, I just need time. I was really starting to want more and this stings a lot.
One more thing, as I was sitting on the couch after J left, I text messaged TBD. Surprisingly, he gave me the best advice. It sucks, but you can't trust anyone. And yes, guys suck ;)