The amount of things we have in common is...incredible. So incredible it really is freaky. Right down to the lines on our hands. The love of music, baseball (he's for the Phillies, I of course am hopelessly devoted to the loveable losers in Baltimore) and french vanilla coffeemate are making this relationship actually easy.

For so many years I was in the dating world working under the impression that this whole, process was, well, a process. Work. Something that needed intensive labor. The time spent on going out, doing my hair and make up was all part of the price a girl must pay to find someone to share her life with.

Not necessisarly a chore, but work none the less.

Now though, I'm wondering. Because things with PNS are easy. The conversation flows. No awkward silences. We both go with the flow, take things as they come. He doesn't mind that I spend time with J, TBD or JP and I know he's got a lot of female friends that he spends time with. Neither one of us expects to spend every waking moment with the other but when we're apart, at least for me, I miss him terribly.

I must admit that there are moments when I wonder if this is too easy. When the other shoe is going to drop and this whole thing will fall apart. And yeah, I know that's left over from the effed up relationships of my past. From being six months in with the one who broke my heart the most before he ended it. From abruptly being told after eight months that it just isn't working and He's moving back to Florida. From doing all the work, putting it all out there...and not getting anything in return.

This is different.

And I'm almost ready to let down the last wall.

Almost.

Signs

Tears. The welling in the corner of my eyes is usually the first sign.

Then an overwhelming feeling of loneliness usually follows. Generally a wish to just be held and allowed to cry it all out quickly follows. But since that isn't really an option, just a strong desire to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out for three days.

What set me off last night was something altogether silly in retrospect.

All of the band directors, their representatives and various other staff members from around our group of competing bands was gathered at another high school to pick our performance order for Championships next weekend. It's a totally convoluted process that I don't want to get into but both of my bands were represented. TBD and Co-Guard Director were there for School #2. Newbie and I were there for School #1. Since the schools are in different divisions, we picked at different places. When Newbie and I were finished with our school's placement proceedings, I rushed over to see how it went with School #2. With any luck, I was hoping that the timing would be just perfect enough for me to at least be with my kids from School #2 during warm-ups at the venue after School #1 performed.

I should know better, my life does not go that way.

The timing couldn't be worse. I'm not going to see my kids at School #2 at all. Their last performance for outdoor season, and I won't see them one little bit. When Co-Guard Director told me I started to mist up. I couldn't help it. After all we had been through together this season and their last and biggest performance I couldn't be there. I was broken hearted. TBD hugged me and told me it was o.k. Co-Guard Director promised to call me right before they went on the field and as soon as they got finished to let me know how they did. Still it's not the same. I wanted to be there to give them words of encouragement myself. To hug the seniors and do our hand thing with the others.

Sigh.

My day today has been slow, which, when I'm in this kind of mood is not a good thing. My brain starts working overtime. I start thinking about not being with my kids next weekend and get all choked up. Then I start thinking about other things...about how I've started letting my walls down a little, but more than likely it will only end up in my getting hurt again. About how I need to repair the relationship with my Dad. About how much I miss someone.

Really, I know, I shouldn't let any of it get to me but sometimes it just all backs up on me and there's not much I can do about it. Except wait for it to pass...which it always does.

One week down, ten more to go

So we've gotten one week of band camp under out belts at the one high school I'm working with this season. Ahhhh, yes, band camp. No, it's not like "American Pie" band camp, it's more like marching on a football field for five hours a day, teaching routines (I'm guard director) and yelling from the top of a shaky scaffolding.

Oh yeah, and it's been pretty freaking hot too.

Needless to say, I've developed quite a tan (read as: the freckles have connected) under my SPF 50 sunscreen. I've also picked up quite a few bug bites to match. This year's group is, for the most part, a pretty great bunch of kids. As can be expected when you're working with a bunch of teenagers, there's been a bit of drama, although this year it's been kept at a minimum for the most part. A majority has been revolving around a freshman who didn't show up for any of the preseason meetings or practices...and can't seem to grasp the concept of how to do the most basic work because of it. The other drama involved another freshman, who showed up the FOURTH day of bandcamp. Yeah, FOURTH. We had already started learning a majority of the show by this point, and she just couldn't understand why she wasn't going to be used in the show at that point. DUH! You show up this late and suddenly expect to be thrown right in to the mix?

Her reason for not being there before Thursday?

She forgot. Nope, sorry, not going to wash. This second girl was on the mailing lists and had received all of the information the other girls had since May. I wanted to look her in the eye and say "Sweetie, you're in High School now, time to start acting like you are and take some responsibility for your actions."

Of course, that's not how it goes. These kids are so over protected and babied by their parents, they have no concept of how to do things on their own. As soon as something goes wrong, they going running to mommy and daddy. Case in point, the second girl. She showed up yesterday morning with her mother in tow, wanting to know why her daughter wasn't going to be used in the first number. Bear in mind, there are 3 numbers in a show and we had planned to use her in the other two. I explained the situation (we already had the 16 we needed on the field, we would use her in other numbers, blah, blah, blah), thought they were o.k. with it and left it at that.

Guess they didn't like my answer because they didn't come back after our conversation. The other girl? The one who wasn't getting it? She didn't show up yesterday at all. No phone call to tell us she wouldn't be there. No email. Nothing. Frankly, I hope she doesn't come back. Actually, I hope neither of them come back. I know that sounds mean but that's where I am right now. There are other girls, new to this kind of thing who act like they not only WANT to be there, but are trying to learn as we go along.

So that's where we stand. I'm using today and tomorrow to rest and relax a little before we head into next week, when both band camps will be in full swing. The weather here is perfect, sun is shining, it's cooled off enough to open the windows and I think I may take advantage of it by heading out to my favorite spot for a little me time.

I've been everywhere, man

Forgive me if this post meanders at all. I returned from vacation Sunday and my brain has been slow to get back into work/normal life mode. I'd love it if I could STAY in vacation mode, but that doesn't fly when you're doing the work of three people and playing catch up from just being off for one measly day.

Ahem.

Let's start with something easy. Vacay. Oh how nice it was to get out of Pennsyltucky for a few days, lounge by the ocean and actually let my stress and
worries roll out with the tides. Work Friend A and I headed out for Bethany Beach, Del. this past Thursday after work, not looking back and vowing not to talk about work. At all. Just like the sunshine, that lasted until we got to the Maryland line. It started raining, and raining, and raining some more right after we crossed out of Pennsyltucky. I turned to A with a worried look on my face and said "I hope this doesn't follow us the whole way down there."

Ah, me and my psychic ways. The rain stuck with us until just north of Bethany, when we stopped for dinner, then miracle of miracles, the sun came out and the clouds started clearing away. A better view than what we had just driven through, to be sure. Friday we had a little bit of rain in the morning (after we were already on the beach, of course), not wanting to give up our prime beach real estate we tried to tough it out but it started raining harder so we caved in to the weather and went shopping instead. After lunch the sky was clear so we hit the beach again. Lady luck was smiling down on us because we managed to snag the prime spot we had before. It was heaven...warm, sunny and water cold enough to shock your pores closed for the next 10 days. That night we trekked into Ocean City, walked the boardwalk, wondered what the heck is wrong with kids these days (we saw some very interesting sights on the boardwalk, to say the least), listened to some street performers (one of which was situated on a bench with an accordian and a Homer Simpson mask), ran into someone I knew from home (always happens)...then called it a night around 11. We had big plans for Saturday.

Saturday was quite the adventure. A and I dragged ourselves out of bed early to catch the Lewes-Cape May ferry. We had a pleasant 1 hour and 20 min. ride across the bay to Jersey where we shopped a little before we stopped for lunch. What a lunch it was too! You definitely get your money's worth at the Jackson Mountain Cafe (highly recommend it if you're ever in Cape May, NJ). A left half of her sandwich on her plate, too full to finish and I only finished 3/4 of my own. I hated to leave that much of such a good thing on my plate but I've gotten to the point where when I'm full, I stop. No more of this stuffing myself to bursting then feeling miserable. But I digress. We spent the rest of the day on the beach in Cape May, again enjoying the gorgeous weather, the cool water and the view at the lifeguard stand. On the way back to our shuttle to the ferry, we checked out some of the wonderful victorian style homes Cape May is known for. I wish we had more time because I could have spent all day just walking up and down the slate sidewalks looking at the gardens and marveling at the wide range of colors and styles of homes.

Of course, we came home early Sunday morning because I, as I always do, had to work. It was hard to come back, I definitely could have used a few more days off.

There have been other things going on now that are either baffling to me or just causing me to be super duper busy and away from my computer more than usual. All I'm going to say about the baffling is that someone is showing me some attention (good attention) and I'm a little...confused...no, that's not the word I want to use...I'm not sure how I want to say this because I am so flattered and so overwhelmed that someone so smart, funny, sweet and incredibly handsome would even have the time of day for me. I don't know. I love that we've started up this dialog we have going and I sincerely hope it continues. Getting his emails is one of the high points of my day.

Band is getting into high gear now too. I figured out that come fall, I'll have a band activity at either one of the two schools about 4 or 5 times a week. Guh. Once a band geek, always a band geek.

Kids these days

This article that ran in our local morning paper, disturbs me. For those of you who don't follow the link, let me give you the brief rundown. Over the weekend local police did a curfew sweep (anyone under the age of 18 is to be off the streets from 12 a.m. to 6 a.m.) that grabbed about 60+ kids ranging in age from 7-17. Yeah, that's right, 7-17. What they were doing out and about in the wee hours of the morning, I have no idea. The worst part is that the PARENTS (if you want to call them that) were ticked off they had to come in and pick up their kids...and it wasn't the kids they were ticked off at. Oh no. It was the police they gave a hard time to.

Give me a freaking break!

I am so disgusted by this culture of blame it on somebody else that has developed over the years. Take some freaking responsibility for your actions and act like a damn parent. Heelllloooo, you're the ADULT here. Not their best friend, you're the one in charge. Sweet Moses does it get my blood boiling when I read stuff like this. Oh, and trust me, I see it at the schools I work with during band season too. Something doesn't go their way and right away it's off to mommy and daddy to make it all better. When I was in school my parents expected me to accept the consequences of my actions and if I did something that got me in trouble, well, let's just say that didn't happen too often because I had a nice healthy fear of my parents. And it wasn't because we were threatened or they laid a finger on us (I only had my butt beaten once as a kid and that was all it took). All my dad had to do was say how disappointed he was in me and that was enough to send me into a crying fit of misery.

Yes, I know, not all parents are like those in the story. Most are responsible, involved, caring people who truly want the best for their kids. Still, I think we're raising a generation of whiny cry babies. It's time these kids start learning the difference between right and wrong and how to fend for themselves.

These kids are the ones that are going to be in charge in the next 20 years...and frankly I'm a little scared.

*steps off of soapbox and goes back to reading PerezHilton.com*

Ending and beginning

Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.

This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.

The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.

I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.

He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.

I had to reclaim my heart.

So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."

And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.

And I'm ready to start putting it out there.

Whiny McWhinerson goes on a vacation

I've noticed an awful lot of whining going on in regards to this blog. Reading over the last couple of entries the number of whiny related posts about my lack of a love life, lack of a decent job, lack of money, etc. has been extremely high. And I'm embarrassed.

Whining does not look good on me. Yes, things are on the bad side right now but they're not always that way. Life swings back and forth from good to bad on a regular basis for all of us. What makes me so damn special to think I shouldn't be any different?

As my day is going on, I've been trying to figure out ways to remedy the situation and I think I've hit on something. I'm going to take a few days away from not just the blog, but the internet in general. I'll probably check my email and maybe hop on my MySpace page but beyond that, I need to spend some time on me. More importantly I need to spend some timing remembering all of the good things in my life instead of the bad. What it boils down to is I do have a lot to be greatful for. Friends, family, two jobs (while that may not seem to be something to be greatful for, some people don't have any), a working car, my health and so many opportunities I don't know which way to turn.

On that note, I may or may not post in the next couple of days. I do have some pictures from Opening Night and some thoughts on that but beyond that I'm going to just chill out. Get a few things done around the house...and remind myself again that NOT having a boyfriend, significant other, etc. is not the end of the world. And I am worth the wait for someone who will appreciate me for me.

Weekend Update, only without Jimmy Fallon
(This post is a little on the long side. This weekend was jam packed and I know I still didn't cover a large portion of it. Read at your own risk.)

Friday was a whirlwind of activity from the time I left work until I fell into bed at 4:30 a.m. Yeah, that's right, 4:30 a.m.

J showed up at my house at 5 to pick me up for Pirates of the Carribean: At Worlds End. We had made plans to go see it a week or two again. The original plan was to go to the Greek Food Festival beforehand, have our traditional gyros then head off to the movie. So much for the best laid plans and all that. J had a touch of a stomach bug so we wound up at Subway instead. The only commentary I'll give on the movie is that it was good, much better than Dead Man's Chest but I think it was a little longer than it should have been. They soooo, could have cut out about 45 minutes of that movie and it still would have been just as good.


Almost three hours later, I was on my way to the Hot Musician's last show with his band. Because the movie was as long as it was, I just barely got to the bar on time, but sweet barbara am I glad I did! The room was packed and I was afraid I'd be stuck in the back, unable to see the guys. I pushed my way toward the front bar, which just so happens to be right next to the stage. Right next to where Hot Musician is on stage. Yeah, I'm sneaky sometimes. The guys were just getting on to the stage as I situated myself at the bar with a Yuengling Lager in my hand. HM didn't see me at first then he turned to look around and caught my eye. Hot damn did that boy look hot...dark t-shirt, jeans, I could tell he was freshley shaved. Wow. He came over and gave me a hug.

"I'm glad you made it. Didn't think you were going to get here in time."

"Yeah, I know! Looks like I timed it just right."

He turned back to the stage to start the first set and just when they were starting, turned and winked at me. Swoon. The show was great. I have seen those guys play at all different kind of venues and let me tell you, that had to be the best show I have seen in a long time from them. I don't know if it was the energy in the room (which was amazing) or just the fact that they were playing together for the last time but something made them play like I have never heard them play before. After the first set, HM came off the stage to give me another hug.

"Are you sure you want a hug, I'm all sweaty." He started moving his arms from around my shoulders.

"Yes sweetie, I could care less." I took the initiative and threw my arms around him for a tight hug (heaven) and a small kiss on the cheek.

"You guys sound great, by the way."

"You think?"

"Hell yeah!" He laughed at that and moved in a little closer.

HM looked like he was about to say something else but instead told me he was heading outside for a little bit before the next set and moved away. He told me not to leave, he'd be back. By this time I was on cloud 9 so I think my reply was something along the lines of I wouldn't think of it.

The second set was just as good as the first, they played some covers and most of the their own stuff. Did at least one encore number and sent HM and the bassist off in fine fashion. As they were coming off of the stage I held back a little, let they're other adoring fans greet them and tell them how great they were. Once a few people cleared away from in front of the stage I stepped in.

"Hey, I need to get going, that was a wonderful show!"

"Yeah, it was pretty good."

I laughed. "Pretty good?! It was the best I've seen!"

"You heading out? Not going to stay and hang out?"

"No, I can't. I have another place I need to make an appearance. I'm glad I made it up here though."

"Me too."

At this point he bent down like he was going to hug me...and instead kissed me! I thought I was going to pass out. It was a nice kiss on the lips. Like I haven't been kissed in a long time. And I enjoyed every time stopping minute of it.

We broke apart, I wished him good luck and safe travels to Philly this week and I walked out the door. I don't know if anything more will happen with HM but if all I get is that kiss, that's enough for me. Beggers can't be choosers.

From the bar I high tailed it to Meat Fest with my fellow former co-workers where we drank, talked and of course, ate meat. Most of the grilling had been done before I arrived so I did more of the drinking and talking than anything else. I hung out at Meat Fest for about an hour then made my way over to the ice rink where Room Mate #2 was playing in a 24 hour hockey tournament. It was after 3 a.m. by the time I got there and the guys were looking a little ragged (as well they should have). I couldn't understand why all of the guys were looking at me when I walked in then I realized my, uh, "assets" were on full display. So much so that when I went in to the locker room to talk to Room Mate #2 he made a comment about not knowing I had a tatoo on my right chestal area (it's a daisy, my favorite flower). Eh, well, at least I gave the guys a small thrill for their night.

I finally crawled into bed around 4:30 a.m., tired but still wound up. Talk about your good nights.

Saturday was spent recovering from Friday then in the company of Kylie at another local bar. One of her favorite local bands was playing and she insisted I see them too. I'm glad I went. You can't beat a good night of hanging out with a good friend and listening to a great band. I didn't get to bed until almost 2:30 this morning. Let's just say this girl definitely does not rebound like she used to. This morning was rough.

And that's that. So to recap Pirates 3, o.k.; kiss from HM, HOT; Meat Fest, yummy; showing my "assests" at the hockey rink, enjoyable; new music, awesome; lack of sleep, not so good. All in all one of my best weekends in a long time.

Down

For some reason today, I'm feeling very low. Not that I don't really know the cause, because I do, but I'm trying to avoid it and push it down, which is making it worse. And putting me in a bad mood.

I've snapped at two different funeral directors over the phone today.

Sigh.

You'd think that after my wonderful weekend of partying with M and his friends (by the way, I will party more often with gays and lesbians as I was never complimented so much before in my life as I was Saturday night) I would be raring to go. But I'm not. I'm dreading tonight. Tonight is JP's going away party/dinner and TBD will be in attendance with his new girlfriend. I'm a little bit afraid about how I'll deal with it. Don't get me wrong, TBD and I are the bestest of friends now but still...it hurts a little to see someone I once had feelings for with someone new. The rub of it is the girl he's with now is the sweetest most wonderful person. And I'm glad they're together because they're both happy, and I like to see the people around me happy.

Even if I'm not.

The old why hasn't happened for me yet whine is hanging in my head. That constant reminder that when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a big, fat failure. What I'd like to have is some sign that I shouldn't give up hope yet, because lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'll meet someone. That I really should keep hanging in there.

Hope, I've found lately in that area of my life is definitely in short supply.

Friends and wine

The best part of getting older is that now when my friends and I get together, a good night consists of a bottle of wine (or two), some steaks on the grill and hanging out on the patio. I called L as soon as I got out of work to see what was on her agenda for the night. We both had some errands to run (ie, Mother's Day presents to buy) so the plan was to get together later for some grilling. And wine.

Did I mention there was wine?

We spent a pleasant spring night, hanging out with L's dad, who is a MASTER with the grill I might add, and catching up. Swapping stories about work and various going ons on in life. L lives in Hoboken and has much more exciting goings on than I do. She shared stories about work (she's a lawyer) and going out in the City to see Amy Winehouse or grab drinks at some incredibley cool bar. I talked about band practices and my upcoming part-time job with the baseball team. Before I knew it, we were through a bottle of Chardonay and a bottle of red (i'm thinking it was Merlot) was half gone. And I as feeling good.

Room mate #1 was getting out of work early so we hung out a little more at L's parents house until he called then met him out at our favorite watering hole. By this time we were both feeling very good so I nursed a beer when we got there. Room mate #1 and L started catching up when we sat down. I had heard some of the stories already so I checked my phone. TBD had called. I excused myself to go outside and call him back.

"You called?"

"Yeah, a while ago, we got first place today! My kids were awesome (he was at a competition with his 5th/6th grad band). I'm very proud of them."

"That's great!"

"Yeah. Where are you?"

"Out. L and I met up with Room Mate #1 for a few beers."

"Oh, I could have met you out. Too tired now, I'm going to get going."

"O.k., bye"

I hung up and went back inside. Then texted TBD. We had gotten off of the phone so fast I didn't get to ask him something that I had been thinking about for quite some time. Something that went back to last year.

After about 10 minutes he called me back.

"What's up? I'm just getting ready to go to bad."

"I'm sorry. And what I'm about to ask is not intended to cause trouble. I wouldn't trade what we have now for what it was like last year."

"Wow, this sounds serious."

"No, it's just something I've really had on my mind lately."

"Well, go ahead - "

"What did I do wrong? I mean, I had to do something that turned you away, right? I'm just starting to get to the stage where I want to know what I'm doing wrong, why I can't keep a relationship going - "

"It's not you. Let me just say this, with us it was all about the spark. I tend to go for it if I feel that there is any kind of spark there. I did, at first. Then I didn't and yes, I was wrong but I do back out if I don't think that spark is around. I shouldn't have done that but I did."

"I see."

"You're not upset, are you?"

"No, no. I just keep feeling like the fault is all mine. I don't know. I'm only asking this now because I've had a good bit to drink."

He laughed. "Well, us hanging out can only help. Here's the thing, you, JP and I are quirky. We each have our thing that makes us a little bit different and makes the whole finding someone just a little bit harder. I like where we are too. And think of it this way, you're expanding your circle just by knowing us. Maybe you'll meet someone that way."

"True. I'm sorry, you wanted to get to bed. I'll let you go."

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes, I'm glad we talked about it."

"Good. Good night, and good luck with your date tomorrow."

"Thanks. I'll call you."

"Good night."

I hung up and went back inside to the throbbing music, smoke and beer feeling for once, better about the whole situation.

It's true. I'm glad TBD and I are where we are now. Friends. Good friends. And especially a friend with the unique perspective of having been someone I went out with. Yeah, it was a little weird for me at first and I'm not going to lie, hearing him talk about other girls started a little knot of jealousy right in the middle of my chest. And that was when I started thinking about what went wrong. After our talk it made me realize that it isn't always me. It just doesn't work, and that's that. No more, no less.

I also realized that just being friends is o.k. and how lucky I am to have such great people in my life both old and new.

Shrinking

I haven't talked about it too much, but I'm losing weight.

The subject of my weight is one I don't talk too much about. It fluctuates, goes up and down on a whim. I've always said all I need to do is look at a piece of cheesecake and I'd gain 5lbs. For the longest time I didn't do anything about it then a few years ago (going on almost 5 now) Former Room mate and I did L.A. Weightloss.

And boy did I lose. At the most, I dropped just about 50lbs. And I loved it. I was wearing clothing sizes I could only dream of and was actually petite. Not just short. It felt good. But it didn't last because, well, I didn't deal with the inside. I exercised and worked on my portion sizes. I denied myself carbs and beer. And like a good little droid I followed the plan to the T.

An almost a year later I had regained about half of the weight.

Two years later, it was all back.

And again, I wasn't happy. And because I wasn't happy, I ate. I gained more weight, ate some more...and well, you can see where this is going, right?

Every now and then when I was frustrated because my favorite jeans didn't fit, I would go all out and drop 5lbs or so. But that was it and it almost always came back. Stupid little bastards.

Lately though, I've been dealing more with the inside part. Through talking with my room mate who is transforming himself through exercise and better eating habits and just talking to other friends, I'm realizing that yes, it's more a matter of health than anything else. And not until I'm healthy inside will I be healthy outside. Yeah, I still have issues and I'm starting to get over them. That guy I always said I'd never get past? Only crosses my mind every now and then. The self-esteem issues? Still there, but now I know I deserve to be happy and if I can't make myself happy then who will? The bits about my dad, well, that's going to take some professional help I think. We haven't spoken for some time. He usually calls out of the blue to tell me he's working on fixing himself, then I'll talk to my mom and find out he's lied again about movng back home or stopping the divorce proceedings. It's a never ending cycle.

But I'm working on it. And working on myself at the same time. No more excuses. I'm more concious about what I eat and make sure I get to the gym (or at least run outside when I'm bored with the gym) at least three times a week. It's nice to have the free time again to do it. Tonight I got back on the ice again and despite the puck sized bruise on my torso and sore muscles, it felt good.

So yes, I'm shrinking. So far I'm down about 6lbs from the last weigh in. A good start but I need to do more. It's about my health now and that is worth it more than the smaller sizes.

Hmmm...

O.k., I admit, this whole new format thing isn't exactly tooting my horn either.

I thought, that maybe if I switched my focus here, I wouldn't have to worry about the real-lifers who found this thing. The ones that I NEVER wanted to see this would just stop reading and that would be that. Yeah, well, as much as I like sports, this whole move to all sports all the time is not cutting it.

I may read ESPN The Magazine and SI on a regular basis but there is only so much a person can blather on about sports. Even I have my limits. Especially when it's the same thing ALL THE TIME.

So, that being said, expect a return to your regularly scheduled diatribe about my lack of dates and/or a love life.

This and That

Because 1) my computer at home is totally FRIED and 2) my boss keeps walking behind my desk peaking over my shoulder, today's post is going to be short and to the point. Not unlike myself.

- The Red Sux roll into Camden Yards today for the first of a two game series (what the hell is up with the two game series this year?!). Room mate #1 and his sister are going as I have a previous engagement and had to give up my opportunity to revel in the fact that The Birds are actually #2 for now.

- Speaking of the Red Sux and their intrepid pitcher who will be on the mound tonight. Did he or didn't he fake it during the 2004 playoff series with the Spank Me's? Only his stylist knows.

- The talk about Barry Bonds beating Hank Aaron's homerun record is heating up now that he's inching closer. It's been rumored here and there that Aaron refuses to be there when it happens in protest of the whole steroid thing. I personally am conflicted. Yeah, he used a banned substance but you have to give the guy credit for perseverance.

- Green with jealousy over my friend Chad's planned Induction Weekend Trip in July. I soooo wish I could be there to see the Iron Man (and Tony Gwynn for that matter) join the greats in those hallowed halls.

Dear Yankees,

You're in last place. Boo-freaking-hoo. Is it possible that this season, you are unable to buy your way into the playoffs. Could this be the season that sees you all sitting at home in October, drowning your sorrows in overpriced cocktails on the Upper East Side?

As a continuously suffering Orioles fan (23 years and counting since the last World Series and 10 years since the last playoffs season) I find solace in the fact that you are viewing the world from where we usually are. The bottom of the pile.

So save your tears. We don't want to hear about it. When your busloads of fans come to Camden Yards and start boo-hooing all over the place about the state of things in the Evil Empire I will laugh. Oh yes, I will let out a hearty laugh and reply simply "Taste our pain."

Sincerely,
The AG

Magic, magic Oriole's Magic...

It's the end of March, less than two weeks until April and this girl's fancy is definitely turning to thoughts of one thing.

Baseball.

My beloved Birds are looking pretty good in the pre-season (even with Chris Benson out for the start and Cabrerra questionable) making good use of some of their off season acquisitions. Not sure who lit the fire under Angelos' butt, but someone finally convinced him to go out and spend a little money this winter for some better pitching and stronger bats.

The best part is the idea that just maybe, this year, The O's might make it to the playoffs. Heck, I'd be happy to see them post a .500 record. It's the excitement of the possibility that this could be there year that makes me all excited. That and the view from behind.

Room mate #1 left today for a three week trip to Asia (stopping in China, Japan and South Korea) so by default, I took posession of the season tickets for opening day. Only 6 days, 8 hours and 4 minutes until I'm out of work for the day, catching sight of my darling B-Rob and ringing in the 2007 season with Work Friend A and Abbey.

Doesn't get much better than that.

PS: Despite my intense hatred for all things Yankee or Red Sox, I've started reading this blog which amuses me to no end. Hey boys, let someone else win for once. Jeez.

What is this free time you speak of?

Occasionally there are days when it's a slow day at work. I get time to check my email, hop over to MySpace (yes, I've succombed to the hype) or take a trip around the blogosphere. Anything to keep my brain from shutting down before my day is over.

One of my favorite sites right now is Alicia Paulson of Posie's personal blog. I fell in love with the purses she handmakes one day when I was bored and looking for a new spring purse. Eventually I purchased one of her Pirouette handbags for both Little Sis (her's is a pink gingham) and myself (a very pretty pale green/yellow plaid). Not only is the bag of the most excellent quality, but it came wrapped like a present with a handwritten note from Mrs. Paulson herself. I was absolutely thrilled. Really, how often does the manufacturer of your purchases include a handwritten note thanking you for buying their product?!

Since then I've been rolling over to her personal blog on occasion to check on the progress of the granny squares or see what new and exciting thing she's doing in her kitchen. I'm not saying I'm obsessed or anything, but it just amazes me that someone can take something they love, like say sewing or knitting and run with it like she has. I barely have time to sit down and read a new book let alone attempt anything like that. And I wish I did.

One of the parts of my life I'm trying to work on this year is finding more time for the activities, people, etc. that are so important to me...as well as for myself. Over the years I've noticed I tend to throw myself into organizations, sports or jobs full throttle with disregard for what is making me happy. After some conversation with one of my work friends, it occured to me this gung-ho attitude, while o.k. in moderation, was not good for my personal life. The more I throw myself into, the less time I have for personal relationships. And dating. Because if I'm kept busy, then I can't think about how I'm still single, you see.

Consider it one more wall that needs to come down.

And I have been working on it by doing something I normally don't do. I'm learning to say No. Can I work extra shifts at the part-time? No. Can I join such and such club? No, don't have time. Can I take this position on a committee? Nope, can't devote any more time than I already do.

I wish I had learned to do this a long time ago.

Neglectful Nellie

I have been very neglectful of this blog lately. Call it a function of the increased business of my life or just pure laziness, but the posts haven't been quite as insightful and up to snuff as usual. Then again, I don't know if they've ever qualified as insightful and up to snuff. But that's just me.

So indulge me, if you will, while I update the three of you who still read this thing on what I've been up to.

St. Patrick's turned out to be a pretty good time. Despite the almost 10" of snow we received, the roads were pretty well cleared off (way to get your act together at the last minute PENNDOT. Jeez. Only took you four major snowstorms to figure out how to handle the stuff.). At least enough for J and I to head into one of our favorite watering holes for Green Eggs & Kegs. Nothing like a shot of Jameson's and a Guiness at 8 a.m. It
went along great with the green egg, bacon sandwich offered as part of the breakfast menu. We hung out, had a few more beers then headed off to the local Irish pub, which had opened at 7 a.m. that day.

That was where things turned ugly with a capital I-R-I-S-H C-A-R-B-O-M-B. More for J than myself. I knew I had to maintain some semblence of sobriety as I still had indoor practice and it would not have looked good if I had showed up lit out of my mind. So I sipped at a Magner's Hard Cider while he downed four carbombs, another shot of whiskey, and I think one and a half pints of Guiness. In about an hour. Needless to say, someone didn't make it to work at noon like he should have.

The rest of my day was spent with the kids. Without getting too much into it we were screwed over, royally at the competition, taking 4th out of 5 instead of the 1st place that was deserved. It was the best show they had put out all season and they were not recognized for it. That was the most upsetting thing to me. We are two weeks...no, one week, away from Championships and my kids are so demoralized I don't know what to do. We're going to discuss at practice and move on from there. Next week, Matt is gung-ho with us coming out with both barrells blazing.

On the man front, I'm back to hanging out with J again. He really is a good friend and now I realize it's for the best that we stay that way. I was just having a "oh my gosh I'm 31, still single and will never find anyone for the rest of my life" panic attack. After some good conversation with Deb, Lyzz and Abbey, I realized that's not always going to be the case. TBD is back in the picture and we're really developing a good friendship this time around. He calls me more now than when we were actually "dating", which is refreshing. I truly do enjoy his company and for now, I'm just taking things as they are.

TBD has lost a lot of weight (almost 60lbs!) but not his personality, which is wonderful. In fact, seeing his devotion to being healthy has spurred me to make some much needed changes. I'm not losing as fast as he is, but I've dropped about 10lbs so far and I'm making a conscious effort to exercise and eat better. He wants me to go shopping with him for new clothes sometime soon. I was a little shocked when he extended the invitation, but I think it will be fun. And, duh, who doesn't want to go shopping for new spring clothes when the weather is as nice as it is?

Otherwise, not much else is going on. There will probably be a change in the part-time job coming soon (fingers are crossed until I hear something firm). Rylee is getting bigger and bigger everyday. Can't call her Peanut anymore, as she's now 11lbs and 22.5" long at 2 months old. I have some pictures to post, but haven't gotten around to updating the Flickr site yet.

So that's that. Life is moving on and I'm actually excited about Spring...new beginnings and all.

The time she does fly

The weekends are flying just as fast now as the week days. It's almost like Friday hits, I blink my eyes and bam, Sunday night. No down time. No break in the action. Just constant motion and flurry of all kinds of responsibilites from work to family gatherings.

This weekend was no different.

Today I had just enough time to stop at Target for a baby shower gift for tomorrow (snuck up on me) and drop by my sister's house to take a gift for my niece (cause she isn't spoiled enough already). I didn't stay long. My sister's in-laws were there and I didn't want to intrude. Besides I had just put in a six hour shift at my part-time job and was ready to get home.

As I came into the living room, room mate #1 handed me at take out menu. "I'm ordering right now," he said as he held the phone away from his ear. "Ummm, o.k., o.k....give me a chicken parm sandwich." I handed back the menu and headed upstairs to change out of my work clothes and into my pajamas.

I plopped myself back down on the couch I asked "Is it really almost 6 o'clock?" Room mate #1 just looked at me from his spot on the other couch where he was sprawled out. "Yep, time flies when you're having fun."

"Yeah, I guess so."

My week this week is just as full, with work, indoor practice and other commitments. Each day ending later and later with not much else to show for it. All of this business has a purpose, I supose. And if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

Because not letting it happen is easier than letting it

It's rare when I take a day off in the middle of the week for something other than illness. Usually I get through my year and find that I still have a few sick days and most of my personal days left. Maybe I'm a workaholic or maybe it's just one of those things that I don't need them, but after not using all 8 of my sick days last year and only 2 personal, I decided 2007 was going to be different.

So yesterday, J and I both took off work and spent the day together.

Nothing we did was overly exciting. We went to the next town over to look at buildings for a possible business he wants to open. Several caught his eye. One is perfect, assuming he gets the funding he needs and it's as architecturally sound on the inside as it is on the outside. We grabbed a brew in the middle of our excursion. The day was all about not having any major plans and just enjoying each other's company. Which at least I did, up until he went to leave later that night.

We had scrapped our plans to go see Ghost Rider and instead picked up Cocktail and some fixings for dinner (steak, potatoes, veggies, etc.). While he cooked I settled in on the couch to catch up on my news watching. He joined me on the couch to watch the movie which was exactly how I was looking forward to ending the day. Low-key and in the company of someone I was really wanting to spend time with.

As the movie came to an end, he turned to me and told me we needed to talk.

This was the point of the evening where he told me he knew I was starting to fall for him but he just didn't have time for a relationship now. And he thought of me more as a good friend than anything else. And he didn't want to jeopardize that. Same speech, different guy.

I held it together until he left, which he did soon after his declaration.

Then I had time to think about it, and realized he was right. Because in the end, if we did end up officially going out, it would have ended the same way it always does. Me with a broken heart and one more wall up. Because that's how it always works out.

This way, it's nipped in the bud early.

Not sure how it's going to play out from here. J is one of my best friends but usually I need time away from someone before I can start letting them back in as a friend. We're supposed to go see Ghost Rider Monday after I get out of work and I'm seriously considering bowing out. Not that I don't want to hang out, I just need time. I was really starting to want more and this stings a lot.

One more thing, as I was sitting on the couch after J left, I text messaged TBD. Surprisingly, he gave me the best advice. It sucks, but you can't trust anyone. And yes, guys suck ;)

How true.

How I spend my Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays...


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