Tears. The welling in the corner of my eyes is usually the first sign.
Then an overwhelming feeling of loneliness usually follows. Generally a wish to just be held and allowed to cry it all out quickly follows. But since that isn't really an option, just a strong desire to go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and not come out for three days.
What set me off last night was something altogether silly in retrospect.
All of the band directors, their representatives and various other staff members from around our group of competing bands was gathered at another high school to pick our performance order for Championships next weekend. It's a totally convoluted process that I don't want to get into but both of my bands were represented. TBD and Co-Guard Director were there for School #2. Newbie and I were there for School #1. Since the schools are in different divisions, we picked at different places. When Newbie and I were finished with our school's placement proceedings, I rushed over to see how it went with School #2. With any luck, I was hoping that the timing would be just perfect enough for me to at least be with my kids from School #2 during warm-ups at the venue after School #1 performed.
I should know better, my life does not go that way.
The timing couldn't be worse. I'm not going to see my kids at School #2 at all. Their last performance for outdoor season, and I won't see them one little bit. When Co-Guard Director told me I started to mist up. I couldn't help it. After all we had been through together this season and their last and biggest performance I couldn't be there. I was broken hearted. TBD hugged me and told me it was o.k. Co-Guard Director promised to call me right before they went on the field and as soon as they got finished to let me know how they did. Still it's not the same. I wanted to be there to give them words of encouragement myself. To hug the seniors and do our hand thing with the others.
My day today has been slow, which, when I'm in this kind of mood is not a good thing. My brain starts working overtime. I start thinking about not being with my kids next weekend and get all choked up. Then I start thinking about other things...about how I've started letting my walls down a little, but more than likely it will only end up in my getting hurt again. About how I need to repair the relationship with my Dad. About how much I miss someone.
Really, I know, I shouldn't let any of it get to me but sometimes it just all backs up on me and there's not much I can do about it. Except wait for it to pass...which it always does.