Rattling
Lots of things rattling around in my brain right now. Most of it having to do with PNS (need to come up with a new name since he is now at boyfriend status) and what has been going on between us. Oh, it has been great, don't get me wrong. In fact the road the relationship is on seemsto be pretty damn smooth.
Which scares me.
It's never been this easy. I'm so used to my relationships being work, hard work at that, that this is new territory for me. We've talked about such things too. And he's starting to get where I'm coming from. How my spotty record is effectig me. There's one difference this time though. This one hasn't run away like so many of the others have.
Have I turned a new leaf? Maybe. I just think that maybe, for once, I'm just in a good place and ready for a good relationship.
And despite my past, I think the future is looking pretty good.
Showing posts with label Changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Changes. Show all posts
Friday, December 28, 2007
All's quiet on the South Central Pennsyltucky front
It's appropriate that this last Friday of 2007 is a nice quiet one, considering what the end of my year last year was like. Unlike 2006, December of 2007 has been slightly calmer and dare I say (hopefully not jinxing anything) drama free.
No TBD drama.
No parents drama...o.k., well, minimal parental drama.
I feel like I may just escape the end of this year with a smile and even more shockingly, hope for once that my life is on the upswing.
What a difference a year makes.
The guys are both at work tonight so I'm firmly entrenched on the couch, catching up on some blog reading, doing laundry and catching bits and pieces of movies (The Mummy, Grease, etc. Yeah, I'm a flipper). It's nice to have the house to myself but I must say it's a little lonely here in the homestead without the furry room mate, this being the first Friday night alone without him and all. While I do enjoy my alone time, it was always reassuring to have at least Oscar hanging around.
I went back today and reread some of my posts from the end of last year, beginning of this year. Wow. How quickly things can change. TBD and I are finally, after much drama, bickering and nasty comments traded back an forth at a good point in our friendship. He's realized he doesn't necessarily need to share everything he does with me and I've stopped mocking his manhood in retaliation when he makes me angry. It's a truce I guess. And I'm glad for it, he's better as a friend anyway because as a boyfriend or even friend with benefits, he wasn't so much.
The only thing I'm disappointed about is the one goal I didn't meet that I wanted to the most...moving out on my own. Financially 2007 was quite a roller coaster. With my car finally paid off though and some extra money saved up from the guard directing gigs, I'm ahead for once. I'm hoping this year, well, this year will be the year I get the heck back out there on my own. It may not seem like a big deal but to me, the original overly independent one (ask my mom about the time I tried to run away when I was 5 or 6), it's a HUGE deal.
Thinking about the ups and downs, gains and losses of this last year has made me realize that I'm actually heading into 2008 in a better place than where I was heading into 2007...new friends, new opportunities and dare I say, thinking that the L word isn't such a bad word after all.
It's appropriate that this last Friday of 2007 is a nice quiet one, considering what the end of my year last year was like. Unlike 2006, December of 2007 has been slightly calmer and dare I say (hopefully not jinxing anything) drama free.
No TBD drama.
No parents drama...o.k., well, minimal parental drama.
I feel like I may just escape the end of this year with a smile and even more shockingly, hope for once that my life is on the upswing.
What a difference a year makes.
The guys are both at work tonight so I'm firmly entrenched on the couch, catching up on some blog reading, doing laundry and catching bits and pieces of movies (The Mummy, Grease, etc. Yeah, I'm a flipper). It's nice to have the house to myself but I must say it's a little lonely here in the homestead without the furry room mate, this being the first Friday night alone without him and all. While I do enjoy my alone time, it was always reassuring to have at least Oscar hanging around.
I went back today and reread some of my posts from the end of last year, beginning of this year. Wow. How quickly things can change. TBD and I are finally, after much drama, bickering and nasty comments traded back an forth at a good point in our friendship. He's realized he doesn't necessarily need to share everything he does with me and I've stopped mocking his manhood in retaliation when he makes me angry. It's a truce I guess. And I'm glad for it, he's better as a friend anyway because as a boyfriend or even friend with benefits, he wasn't so much.
The only thing I'm disappointed about is the one goal I didn't meet that I wanted to the most...moving out on my own. Financially 2007 was quite a roller coaster. With my car finally paid off though and some extra money saved up from the guard directing gigs, I'm ahead for once. I'm hoping this year, well, this year will be the year I get the heck back out there on my own. It may not seem like a big deal but to me, the original overly independent one (ask my mom about the time I tried to run away when I was 5 or 6), it's a HUGE deal.
Thinking about the ups and downs, gains and losses of this last year has made me realize that I'm actually heading into 2008 in a better place than where I was heading into 2007...new friends, new opportunities and dare I say, thinking that the L word isn't such a bad word after all.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The old red fish, he ain't what he used to be
Most mornings, I'm the the first person in the office to arrive. At 7 a.m., not many people are at their desks yet with the exception of one or two news side people. Really, what sane person arrives at work at 7 a.m. on purpose anyway? That's why I qualify, I don't consider myself sane.
But anway, after I make my rounds of light turning on, computer booting and phone call returning, I usually have time to cruise around the internet. This morning after I returned a few emails and caught up on some blog reading (heaven forbid the boss catch me doing that while I am doing not much of anything else during my day) I came across this article on MSNBC.com.
Then it occured to me, my first tatoo turned 11 years old in September.
Yep. For the last 11 years I've had the fish on my shoulder.
I'll never forget that morning I had it done. September of my senior year of college. For some reason I can't recall, we didn't have band practice that morning (probably no home game that day). My room mates and I all rolled out of bed around the same time and decided to grab some breakfast in the dining hall across the street before it was too late and we were forced to eat lunch (breakfast was always a safer bet).
While we were sitting in the on campus apartment, one of my room mates looked at me and said "We've decided it's time."
"Time for what?" I had no idea what in the heck she was talking about.
"Time you got that tatoo you've been talking about. We don't have plans today so let's head out to C.C.'s and get you that tatoo."
Yeah right..." I looked around at all five of them and nope, they weren't kidding. They were going to take me whether I wanted to go or not.
"All right then, let's go."
They were right, I had been talking about getting my first tatoo for some time. I don't remember why I was on this sudden kick to get ink permanently etched into my
skin, but I was all about it. And I knew exactly what I wanted to. As we were walking out the door I grabbed the video with the picture on it (two of my room mates were education majors). I knew exactly what I wanted, there would be no looking through books or page after page of examples set out by the artist. No, I knew what I wanted.
It took us about an hour to get to the tatoo place. The entire way there my stomach was doing flips. More out of fear of my parents than anything else. At the age of 20 (almost 21) I still had a healthy fear of my mom and dad...the fall out from this whole adventure could be ugly.
When we walked in to the tatoo place I stepped up first. The guy who did the work looked over the video cover, looked at me, looked at the cover, looked at me then said "Sure, let me go see what I can do with this. I'll be right back."
He took the video to the back of the office to make a transfer and I'm sure, laugh his butt off at the silly girl out front who wanted Dr. Seuss tatooed on her shoulder. Eventually he came back with a medium size transfer, bigger than the picture on the video cover by far, but not so big that it was over the top. Perfect size. Once I nodded my head and agreed to it I was ushered back to the table and about another hour later, was the proud owner of a new tatoo.
None of my room mates questioned my choice. They new how quirky I was but had they asked, I would have told them the reason for the fish was not that simple. "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" was my favorite story when I was little. So much so my dad had it memorized and much to my mother's chagrin, often recited it out loud in his sleep. The fish reminded me of my dad. Of a time when all I needed in life was a good story, my mom, my dad and my dog. But mostly it reminded me of my dad, and at that point, I was still very much a daddy's girl.
That of course, was before all of the crap started going down six years ago.
The fish is still on my shoulder. It's faded a good bit and sould be touched up, but unfortunately I've got other more pressing money demands now. That tatoo has been joined by two others. One on my left inner ankle, it's a celtic knot, meaning eternal life. It is a nod to my Irish heritage and I like the meaning behind it. The other is a daisy that rests on my chest. Daisies are my favorite flower, and this one has only been seen by a few.
I'll agree with the author of the article, tatoos should mean something. They should not be done without some thought or meaning behind them. That is why my next one won't come for quite some time. I've decided when love finally finds me, I'll get the celtic knot meaning eternal love...because it's something that means so much to me.
Most mornings, I'm the the first person in the office to arrive. At 7 a.m., not many people are at their desks yet with the exception of one or two news side people. Really, what sane person arrives at work at 7 a.m. on purpose anyway? That's why I qualify, I don't consider myself sane.
But anway, after I make my rounds of light turning on, computer booting and phone call returning, I usually have time to cruise around the internet. This morning after I returned a few emails and caught up on some blog reading (heaven forbid the boss catch me doing that while I am doing not much of anything else during my day) I came across this article on MSNBC.com.
Then it occured to me, my first tatoo turned 11 years old in September.
Yep. For the last 11 years I've had the fish on my shoulder.
I'll never forget that morning I had it done. September of my senior year of college. For some reason I can't recall, we didn't have band practice that morning (probably no home game that day). My room mates and I all rolled out of bed around the same time and decided to grab some breakfast in the dining hall across the street before it was too late and we were forced to eat lunch (breakfast was always a safer bet).
While we were sitting in the on campus apartment, one of my room mates looked at me and said "We've decided it's time."
"Time for what?" I had no idea what in the heck she was talking about.
"Time you got that tatoo you've been talking about. We don't have plans today so let's head out to C.C.'s and get you that tatoo."
Yeah right..." I looked around at all five of them and nope, they weren't kidding. They were going to take me whether I wanted to go or not.
"All right then, let's go."
They were right, I had been talking about getting my first tatoo for some time. I don't remember why I was on this sudden kick to get ink permanently etched into my
skin, but I was all about it. And I knew exactly what I wanted to. As we were walking out the door I grabbed the video with the picture on it (two of my room mates were education majors). I knew exactly what I wanted, there would be no looking through books or page after page of examples set out by the artist. No, I knew what I wanted.
It took us about an hour to get to the tatoo place. The entire way there my stomach was doing flips. More out of fear of my parents than anything else. At the age of 20 (almost 21) I still had a healthy fear of my mom and dad...the fall out from this whole adventure could be ugly.
When we walked in to the tatoo place I stepped up first. The guy who did the work looked over the video cover, looked at me, looked at the cover, looked at me then said "Sure, let me go see what I can do with this. I'll be right back."
He took the video to the back of the office to make a transfer and I'm sure, laugh his butt off at the silly girl out front who wanted Dr. Seuss tatooed on her shoulder. Eventually he came back with a medium size transfer, bigger than the picture on the video cover by far, but not so big that it was over the top. Perfect size. Once I nodded my head and agreed to it I was ushered back to the table and about another hour later, was the proud owner of a new tatoo.
None of my room mates questioned my choice. They new how quirky I was but had they asked, I would have told them the reason for the fish was not that simple. "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" was my favorite story when I was little. So much so my dad had it memorized and much to my mother's chagrin, often recited it out loud in his sleep. The fish reminded me of my dad. Of a time when all I needed in life was a good story, my mom, my dad and my dog. But mostly it reminded me of my dad, and at that point, I was still very much a daddy's girl.
That of course, was before all of the crap started going down six years ago.
The fish is still on my shoulder. It's faded a good bit and sould be touched up, but unfortunately I've got other more pressing money demands now. That tatoo has been joined by two others. One on my left inner ankle, it's a celtic knot, meaning eternal life. It is a nod to my Irish heritage and I like the meaning behind it. The other is a daisy that rests on my chest. Daisies are my favorite flower, and this one has only been seen by a few.
I'll agree with the author of the article, tatoos should mean something. They should not be done without some thought or meaning behind them. That is why my next one won't come for quite some time. I've decided when love finally finds me, I'll get the celtic knot meaning eternal love...because it's something that means so much to me.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Motherhood?
There's a reason I haven't had children yet, besides the whole not able to maintain a functional relationship thing. Some may call it selfish but for me, it's a perfectly valid reason.
Up until recently, there was so much more I wanted to do in my life. Places to see, people to meet, things to do. Life just has so much to offer and I wanted to make sure I had a little taste, my own full plate of amuse bouch if you will of experiences.
Now, I'm not so sure that holds up.
Today I took my niece for a few hours while my sister and brother-in-law were at Hershey for a concert (his father's day present from my sis). Actually, my mom is watching her all day, but in order for her to get a break while she was cleaning at our church, I told her I'd take Rylee for a little bit. I think my sister and mom were a little apprehensive. Little sis went over the routine a few hundred times and my mom told me she'd make sure she had her cell phone in her pocket. Right there, in her pocket. So she could answer right away. You know, if I needed her.
Please. Did I not have a thriving babysitting career when I was a teenager?
Once we got the seat settled in my car and loaded up the stroller, we headed out for the annual church picnic. Rylee was a little restless when we first got there and I struggled with the stroller (which end is up?) a little but as far as I can tell, everything went well. Rylee ate on schedule, she got passed around between my grandmother and her other admirers at the picnic. When she started to get fussy, we headed for home. She was getting tired...and so was I.
By the time we got back to my mother's house, she was out like a light.
"How'd it go?" my mom met us at the door and took Rylee from my arms.
"Fine, why, were you worried?"
"No...it's just that you don't have any experience with this..." My mom busied herself with Rylee so she didn't see me roll my eyes.
"Yeah, well, I guess all those years of babysitting were good for something."
I plopped myself down on the couch to hang out a little bit before coming home.
We sat in silence for little bit as Rylee finished her bottle and finally went to sleep. As I was sitting there, I started thinking you know what? I did do a good job. Maybe I'm more ready for this motherhood thing than I thought I was.
Maybe. I think I just heard the clock start ticking a little louder.
There's a reason I haven't had children yet, besides the whole not able to maintain a functional relationship thing. Some may call it selfish but for me, it's a perfectly valid reason.
Up until recently, there was so much more I wanted to do in my life. Places to see, people to meet, things to do. Life just has so much to offer and I wanted to make sure I had a little taste, my own full plate of amuse bouch if you will of experiences.
Now, I'm not so sure that holds up.
Today I took my niece for a few hours while my sister and brother-in-law were at Hershey for a concert (his father's day present from my sis). Actually, my mom is watching her all day, but in order for her to get a break while she was cleaning at our church, I told her I'd take Rylee for a little bit. I think my sister and mom were a little apprehensive. Little sis went over the routine a few hundred times and my mom told me she'd make sure she had her cell phone in her pocket. Right there, in her pocket. So she could answer right away. You know, if I needed her.
Please. Did I not have a thriving babysitting career when I was a teenager?
Once we got the seat settled in my car and loaded up the stroller, we headed out for the annual church picnic. Rylee was a little restless when we first got there and I struggled with the stroller (which end is up?) a little but as far as I can tell, everything went well. Rylee ate on schedule, she got passed around between my grandmother and her other admirers at the picnic. When she started to get fussy, we headed for home. She was getting tired...and so was I.
By the time we got back to my mother's house, she was out like a light.
"How'd it go?" my mom met us at the door and took Rylee from my arms.
"Fine, why, were you worried?"
"No...it's just that you don't have any experience with this..." My mom busied herself with Rylee so she didn't see me roll my eyes.
"Yeah, well, I guess all those years of babysitting were good for something."
I plopped myself down on the couch to hang out a little bit before coming home.
We sat in silence for little bit as Rylee finished her bottle and finally went to sleep. As I was sitting there, I started thinking you know what? I did do a good job. Maybe I'm more ready for this motherhood thing than I thought I was.
Maybe. I think I just heard the clock start ticking a little louder.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Just one of many
I'm the first to admit, I have flaws. I'm impatient. I'm probably way more competative than any girl should be (see me on the ice sometime, all it takes is one bad move and wham, I'll put you into the boards). I tend to procrastinate. And the one that always gets me in trouble...I have a bad habit of putting others way before myself.
Now, that last one may not seem so bad but as J was saying to me Friday night, sometimes you need to put yourself first. This need to please all of the time usually gets me overbooked, then stressed out because I want to do a good job but don't feel like I'm giving 100%.
I told TBD that very thing this evening.
This coming band season is going to be hectic as I'm working with not one, but two guards(bandfront). The one guard is the same one I worked with during indoor season so I'm familiar with the program, I'm just taking more of a leadership role this season and I'm so afraid I'm not going to be able to keep this high achieving group as good as they are. That I'm not good enough to take the reigns from M.
Groundless fears, but still...it all goes back to that whole not good enough thing again.
Only time will tell I guess and until then, it's not worth getting worried about.
I have more important things in my life to concentrate on, my health, my job and opening up my heart again.
I'm the first to admit, I have flaws. I'm impatient. I'm probably way more competative than any girl should be (see me on the ice sometime, all it takes is one bad move and wham, I'll put you into the boards). I tend to procrastinate. And the one that always gets me in trouble...I have a bad habit of putting others way before myself.
Now, that last one may not seem so bad but as J was saying to me Friday night, sometimes you need to put yourself first. This need to please all of the time usually gets me overbooked, then stressed out because I want to do a good job but don't feel like I'm giving 100%.
I told TBD that very thing this evening.
This coming band season is going to be hectic as I'm working with not one, but two guards(bandfront). The one guard is the same one I worked with during indoor season so I'm familiar with the program, I'm just taking more of a leadership role this season and I'm so afraid I'm not going to be able to keep this high achieving group as good as they are. That I'm not good enough to take the reigns from M.
Groundless fears, but still...it all goes back to that whole not good enough thing again.
Only time will tell I guess and until then, it's not worth getting worried about.
I have more important things in my life to concentrate on, my health, my job and opening up my heart again.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ending and beginning
Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.
This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.
The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.
I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.
He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.
I had to reclaim my heart.
So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."
And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.
And I'm ready to start putting it out there.
Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.
This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.
The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.
I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.
He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.
I had to reclaim my heart.
So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."
And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.
And I'm ready to start putting it out there.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Whiny McWhinerson goes on a vacation
I've noticed an awful lot of whining going on in regards to this blog. Reading over the last couple of entries the number of whiny related posts about my lack of a love life, lack of a decent job, lack of money, etc. has been extremely high. And I'm embarrassed.
Whining does not look good on me. Yes, things are on the bad side right now but they're not always that way. Life swings back and forth from good to bad on a regular basis for all of us. What makes me so damn special to think I shouldn't be any different?
As my day is going on, I've been trying to figure out ways to remedy the situation and I think I've hit on something. I'm going to take a few days away from not just the blog, but the internet in general. I'll probably check my email and maybe hop on my MySpace page but beyond that, I need to spend some time on me. More importantly I need to spend some timing remembering all of the good things in my life instead of the bad. What it boils down to is I do have a lot to be greatful for. Friends, family, two jobs (while that may not seem to be something to be greatful for, some people don't have any), a working car, my health and so many opportunities I don't know which way to turn.
On that note, I may or may not post in the next couple of days. I do have some pictures from Opening Night and some thoughts on that but beyond that I'm going to just chill out. Get a few things done around the house...and remind myself again that NOT having a boyfriend, significant other, etc. is not the end of the world. And I am worth the wait for someone who will appreciate me for me.
I've noticed an awful lot of whining going on in regards to this blog. Reading over the last couple of entries the number of whiny related posts about my lack of a love life, lack of a decent job, lack of money, etc. has been extremely high. And I'm embarrassed.
Whining does not look good on me. Yes, things are on the bad side right now but they're not always that way. Life swings back and forth from good to bad on a regular basis for all of us. What makes me so damn special to think I shouldn't be any different?
As my day is going on, I've been trying to figure out ways to remedy the situation and I think I've hit on something. I'm going to take a few days away from not just the blog, but the internet in general. I'll probably check my email and maybe hop on my MySpace page but beyond that, I need to spend some time on me. More importantly I need to spend some timing remembering all of the good things in my life instead of the bad. What it boils down to is I do have a lot to be greatful for. Friends, family, two jobs (while that may not seem to be something to be greatful for, some people don't have any), a working car, my health and so many opportunities I don't know which way to turn.
On that note, I may or may not post in the next couple of days. I do have some pictures from Opening Night and some thoughts on that but beyond that I'm going to just chill out. Get a few things done around the house...and remind myself again that NOT having a boyfriend, significant other, etc. is not the end of the world. And I am worth the wait for someone who will appreciate me for me.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Five miles looks good on you
For those of you coming into the game a little late, I've been on a get your big butt back to the gym and start running again track (no pun intended) since April. A few pictures from the beginning of the year turned up causing me to wonder how in the hell I had let myself get so out of shape. Nothing like a bad picture to motivate.
That and someone finally said something that clicked in my brain. TBD of all people was talking a about his recent weight loss (he's dropped 80lbs and I'm sure it's even more now) one night. He made a comment about it was time he was finally healthy. That's it. He just wanted to be healthy, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol. No worrying about the state of his heart or diabetes. He wanted to feel good and be healthy so he could enjoy life. And for some reason, even though I've heard it all before, it clicked.
Yeah, that's right. How can I enjoy my life if I'm not taking care of myself?
So I got back on the wagon. There was a point in my life about three years ago where I was running on a regular basis, doing 5ks and actually exercising as often as I could. Not to make excuses but life started getting in the way, my jobs and money stress demanded more of my time and I stopped. No more gym. No more running. My days became work-home-sleep-work. With regular pitstops at McDonalds or Wendy's along the way. Not good.
Now though, now I'm getting back on track. And like my friend Deb said (referencing her friend Jill) "It's a life change, not just a diet. Anything like this has to be done under the premise that you're changing for the rest of your life."
I'm running again. My knees protest a little bit more, this morning was hell what with all of the popping and cracking, but it feels good. I've slowly been working my way back up to 5k (3.1 or 3.2 miles depending on the course) and have even started going longer when I feel up to it. Yesterday I hit 5 miles. Me. Running 5 miles.
Somewhere my old gym teachers are falling over in disbelief.
To top it off I weighed in today...down 15lbs total AND I'm wearing a skirt I haven't worn in two years. I'm not going to lie, it feels damn good. Yeah, I have setbacks. I'm sure I'll be up a little bit tomorrow from the beer J and I drank while playing pool last night, but that's o.k. Because I'll just get back out there and move a little more.
It is my life, after all.
For those of you coming into the game a little late, I've been on a get your big butt back to the gym and start running again track (no pun intended) since April. A few pictures from the beginning of the year turned up causing me to wonder how in the hell I had let myself get so out of shape. Nothing like a bad picture to motivate.
That and someone finally said something that clicked in my brain. TBD of all people was talking a about his recent weight loss (he's dropped 80lbs and I'm sure it's even more now) one night. He made a comment about it was time he was finally healthy. That's it. He just wanted to be healthy, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol. No worrying about the state of his heart or diabetes. He wanted to feel good and be healthy so he could enjoy life. And for some reason, even though I've heard it all before, it clicked.
Yeah, that's right. How can I enjoy my life if I'm not taking care of myself?
So I got back on the wagon. There was a point in my life about three years ago where I was running on a regular basis, doing 5ks and actually exercising as often as I could. Not to make excuses but life started getting in the way, my jobs and money stress demanded more of my time and I stopped. No more gym. No more running. My days became work-home-sleep-work. With regular pitstops at McDonalds or Wendy's along the way. Not good.
Now though, now I'm getting back on track. And like my friend Deb said (referencing her friend Jill) "It's a life change, not just a diet. Anything like this has to be done under the premise that you're changing for the rest of your life."
I'm running again. My knees protest a little bit more, this morning was hell what with all of the popping and cracking, but it feels good. I've slowly been working my way back up to 5k (3.1 or 3.2 miles depending on the course) and have even started going longer when I feel up to it. Yesterday I hit 5 miles. Me. Running 5 miles.
Somewhere my old gym teachers are falling over in disbelief.
To top it off I weighed in today...down 15lbs total AND I'm wearing a skirt I haven't worn in two years. I'm not going to lie, it feels damn good. Yeah, I have setbacks. I'm sure I'll be up a little bit tomorrow from the beer J and I drank while playing pool last night, but that's o.k. Because I'll just get back out there and move a little more.
It is my life, after all.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I don't want to grow up
"You're never going to grow up, are you?"
My cousin, who is married and just turned 30, turned to me and said Sunday. We were at my aunt's for one of my younger cousin's birthday party. We had cooked out and spent some time in the pool. The cousin I was talking to arrived while I was playing a knock down, drag out game of pool volleyball. In my family, every game is knock down balls to the wall and if you don't come to play, well, then you better get out of the pool.
Because you'll be needed to chase after the ball when it goes out of bounds.
"Nah, I doubt it." I smiled and turned to talk to her for a little while my sister and brother-in-law argued in the pool about who hit the ball out last.
"Really, who says you need to grow up once you hit 30? I'm having more fun now than when I was in my 20s."
"Really," she looked at me with one eyebrow raised.
"Yeah. Come on, why stop enjoying yourself once you get married and 'settle down'? If settling down means I have to stop having fun then I guess I'm not settling down."
She laughed.
"That's why I'm glad we're related. You remind me that we're still young."
It was my turn to laugh.
"Yeah, someone has to."
By this time her husband was looking for her so they could leave so we said our good-byes and she was gone.
The conversation has stayed with me all day today. Am I ready to settle down? On some level, yeah. I want to have my own place, a better job (preferably one that provides me with enough income so that it is my ONLY job)...a family. Yeah, I said it. A family. Lately, the more I spend time with my niece, my friends kids, Room Mate #1's nephew the more I hear the clock ticking. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have the guy first.
That's the part I have the problem with. After so much disappointment, heart-break and lack of success I'm afraid anymore to try. I've noticed the same cycle repeating itself. I meet a guy, we start hanging out...maybe have dinner, go catch a movie or just spend a night talking. Phone calls and texts go back and forth. Then just when I start letting myself open up a little or we hit the point where something might happen... it doesn't. We hit the friend zone. That's happened with THREE guys in last couple of months. I don't know if my radar is out of whack or I'm just not putting forth enough effort.
Things are still up in the air with HM. I haven't heard from him since he left the comment on my Myspace page that sent my heart moving faster than it has in a long time. If you take a look, you'll know which one I mean.
Anonymous, you asked me why I used the terminology "a girl like me". I have never been the pretty one, the popular one, the one all the guys want. I was the girl who stayed home for all of her homecomings and both proms because she didn't have a date. I was the girl who went to dances and sat on the sidelines because none of the guys danced with her. I was the girl who slept with random guys in college just because they showed her some interest, even when she knew she'd never hear from them again.
I may be in a better place now, but that girl, the one who gets overlooked for the prettier, thinner, blonder girl next to her is still there. She's the one who cries herself to sleep at night because she just wants to be loved and can't remember the last time a man put his arms around her and just held her. Because he wanted to.
So to answer both questions, I may or may not grow up someday, who knows. The fun loving side of me is coming out stronger now but in the back is the girl who just wants to be kissed, and held and told she's perfect, no matter what she looks like or how much she loses her temper.
"You're never going to grow up, are you?"
My cousin, who is married and just turned 30, turned to me and said Sunday. We were at my aunt's for one of my younger cousin's birthday party. We had cooked out and spent some time in the pool. The cousin I was talking to arrived while I was playing a knock down, drag out game of pool volleyball. In my family, every game is knock down balls to the wall and if you don't come to play, well, then you better get out of the pool.
Because you'll be needed to chase after the ball when it goes out of bounds.
"Nah, I doubt it." I smiled and turned to talk to her for a little while my sister and brother-in-law argued in the pool about who hit the ball out last.
"Really, who says you need to grow up once you hit 30? I'm having more fun now than when I was in my 20s."
"Really," she looked at me with one eyebrow raised.
"Yeah. Come on, why stop enjoying yourself once you get married and 'settle down'? If settling down means I have to stop having fun then I guess I'm not settling down."
She laughed.
"That's why I'm glad we're related. You remind me that we're still young."
It was my turn to laugh.
"Yeah, someone has to."
By this time her husband was looking for her so they could leave so we said our good-byes and she was gone.
The conversation has stayed with me all day today. Am I ready to settle down? On some level, yeah. I want to have my own place, a better job (preferably one that provides me with enough income so that it is my ONLY job)...a family. Yeah, I said it. A family. Lately, the more I spend time with my niece, my friends kids, Room Mate #1's nephew the more I hear the clock ticking. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have the guy first.
That's the part I have the problem with. After so much disappointment, heart-break and lack of success I'm afraid anymore to try. I've noticed the same cycle repeating itself. I meet a guy, we start hanging out...maybe have dinner, go catch a movie or just spend a night talking. Phone calls and texts go back and forth. Then just when I start letting myself open up a little or we hit the point where something might happen... it doesn't. We hit the friend zone. That's happened with THREE guys in last couple of months. I don't know if my radar is out of whack or I'm just not putting forth enough effort.
Things are still up in the air with HM. I haven't heard from him since he left the comment on my Myspace page that sent my heart moving faster than it has in a long time. If you take a look, you'll know which one I mean.
Anonymous, you asked me why I used the terminology "a girl like me". I have never been the pretty one, the popular one, the one all the guys want. I was the girl who stayed home for all of her homecomings and both proms because she didn't have a date. I was the girl who went to dances and sat on the sidelines because none of the guys danced with her. I was the girl who slept with random guys in college just because they showed her some interest, even when she knew she'd never hear from them again.
I may be in a better place now, but that girl, the one who gets overlooked for the prettier, thinner, blonder girl next to her is still there. She's the one who cries herself to sleep at night because she just wants to be loved and can't remember the last time a man put his arms around her and just held her. Because he wanted to.
So to answer both questions, I may or may not grow up someday, who knows. The fun loving side of me is coming out stronger now but in the back is the girl who just wants to be kissed, and held and told she's perfect, no matter what she looks like or how much she loses her temper.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Quiet
It's quiet in the house. Room mate #1 is off in Dover, Del. at the NASCAR Race (he's such a closet redneck it isn't funny) and Room mate #2 is sleeping. At least I think he is, I've heard his alarm go off about 3 or 4 times now.
Strange enough, it's even quiet outside. A small miracle considering the amount of traffic that goes by on the street perpendicular to mine. By this time at least one fire engine or ambulance has wailed down the street. Not tonight though.
I love it. The quiet that is. After dinner (beef, squash, yellow squash and rice in a tomato sauce) I've just been sitting in the living room, enjoying the quiet.
And thinking.
I'm trying not to get too excited about what happened Friday night. I've been replaying the whole scene over and over again (this time without the fogginess of alcohol or sleep deprivation) and really, I'm not even sure it was what I'm making it out to be. Yes, HM kissed me. Yes, he gave me a lot of attention while I was there...but I just don't want to think that it's more than him just being nice to me. Maybe my brain, afraid of another deep wound to my heart, is telling my heart that it really wasn't all that much. That ist was what it was, and that is it.
I'm so afraid to let myself fall for this guy. I know I can't let my life go by in fear of being rejected, again, but seriously, I'm so tired of it I just can't muster the energy to bring myself to get excited. In the back of my head that voice (the one I really wish would shut the hell up) is telling me that it's not worth it to even try because really, why would a guy like that go out with someone like me?
Sigh.
When TBD called me tonight I wanted to talk to him about it because he wasn't there Friday night. And as hard as it may be to believe, he is just the person I want to talk to about it. Odd, I know considering everything there is between us but he really has become just the one person right now I want to talk about this kind of thing with. I guess because he does know me so well, he can see right through the BS and tells it like it is. He knows what I'm like when I'm trying to make things work with a guy...first hand.
Unfortunately he had to hang up as he was on his way home from a field trip.
So now it's just my thoughts and I, in the living room with a bottle of wine...enjoying the silence, for just a little bit anyway.
It's quiet in the house. Room mate #1 is off in Dover, Del. at the NASCAR Race (he's such a closet redneck it isn't funny) and Room mate #2 is sleeping. At least I think he is, I've heard his alarm go off about 3 or 4 times now.
Strange enough, it's even quiet outside. A small miracle considering the amount of traffic that goes by on the street perpendicular to mine. By this time at least one fire engine or ambulance has wailed down the street. Not tonight though.
I love it. The quiet that is. After dinner (beef, squash, yellow squash and rice in a tomato sauce) I've just been sitting in the living room, enjoying the quiet.
And thinking.
I'm trying not to get too excited about what happened Friday night. I've been replaying the whole scene over and over again (this time without the fogginess of alcohol or sleep deprivation) and really, I'm not even sure it was what I'm making it out to be. Yes, HM kissed me. Yes, he gave me a lot of attention while I was there...but I just don't want to think that it's more than him just being nice to me. Maybe my brain, afraid of another deep wound to my heart, is telling my heart that it really wasn't all that much. That ist was what it was, and that is it.
I'm so afraid to let myself fall for this guy. I know I can't let my life go by in fear of being rejected, again, but seriously, I'm so tired of it I just can't muster the energy to bring myself to get excited. In the back of my head that voice (the one I really wish would shut the hell up) is telling me that it's not worth it to even try because really, why would a guy like that go out with someone like me?
Sigh.
When TBD called me tonight I wanted to talk to him about it because he wasn't there Friday night. And as hard as it may be to believe, he is just the person I want to talk to about it. Odd, I know considering everything there is between us but he really has become just the one person right now I want to talk about this kind of thing with. I guess because he does know me so well, he can see right through the BS and tells it like it is. He knows what I'm like when I'm trying to make things work with a guy...first hand.
Unfortunately he had to hang up as he was on his way home from a field trip.
So now it's just my thoughts and I, in the living room with a bottle of wine...enjoying the silence, for just a little bit anyway.
Monday, April 30, 2007
This is going to be the BEST SUMMER EVER!
Today, on the way to the gym (now that I actually have the time I'm a regular atendee and have dropped about 6lbs so far) TBD called.
"Let's go get dinner."
"Umm, I just used my last $10 to buy gas until I get paid Tuesday at midnight. I'm seriously poor until I start getting paychecks from the baseball team."
"Oh. Well, I owe you for drinks from that one time. I'll pay."
"No, no. I don't want you - "
"No, really, it's o.k. I'll pay for your dinner. No biggie. We'll be even."
Well, if you're going to twist my arm...o.k."
"5ish o.k.?"
"Sure. Call JP and let him know. I just got off the phone with him."
"O.k."
We hung up. It's weird but we've been talking and hanging out a lot more than ever lately. I like it. I like that we've become such good friends. I like that we've made this transition to hangout buddies.
TBD and I met up at one of the best places in town with a deck, settled in with drinks (him a jack & coke, me a water) and an appetizer of steamed shrimp and waited for JP to show up. We talked about this and that, his school year ending, my summer of baseball and general nothingness, both of our attempts at making ourselves smaller. He's about 15lbs from his goal, which I greatly admire after seeing all of the hard work he's done over the last couple of months. I'm getting back into the swing of things. Just need to cut the carb intake (it's an addiction) and stop the beer drinking and I think I'll be on the right track.
After JP arrived we ordered, continued with our regurlarly scheduled sillyness and decided to walk to the new baseball stadium. TBD isn't that familiar with the downtown area and JP just wanted to see what was up with it. After a nice walk, we started making our way back to where we had started when we passed another of the incredibly cool bars downtown. I happened to notice a motorcycle that looked suspiciously like one belonging to the amazingly hot keyboard player.
It was him. I hadn't intended on saying anything...but I did. And I'm glad I did! He invited TBD, JP and I to join him for drinks on his tab at the bar. Not ones to give up free drinks, we did. Boy did we. I know I knocked back at least 2 shots (a three wisemen and a surfer on acid, i think) and a beer. Sweet moses. I was a little tipsy by the time we left, but declined The Keyboard Player's invitation to join him at my former place of employment.
Oh man, if this is what my summer is going to be like, hanging out with fun (and hot to boot) guys, knocking back drinks and laughing my patootie off, then this is definitely going to be one of the best summers ever!
Today, on the way to the gym (now that I actually have the time I'm a regular atendee and have dropped about 6lbs so far) TBD called.
"Let's go get dinner."
"Umm, I just used my last $10 to buy gas until I get paid Tuesday at midnight. I'm seriously poor until I start getting paychecks from the baseball team."
"Oh. Well, I owe you for drinks from that one time. I'll pay."
"No, no. I don't want you - "
"No, really, it's o.k. I'll pay for your dinner. No biggie. We'll be even."
Well, if you're going to twist my arm...o.k."
"5ish o.k.?"
"Sure. Call JP and let him know. I just got off the phone with him."
"O.k."
We hung up. It's weird but we've been talking and hanging out a lot more than ever lately. I like it. I like that we've become such good friends. I like that we've made this transition to hangout buddies.
TBD and I met up at one of the best places in town with a deck, settled in with drinks (him a jack & coke, me a water) and an appetizer of steamed shrimp and waited for JP to show up. We talked about this and that, his school year ending, my summer of baseball and general nothingness, both of our attempts at making ourselves smaller. He's about 15lbs from his goal, which I greatly admire after seeing all of the hard work he's done over the last couple of months. I'm getting back into the swing of things. Just need to cut the carb intake (it's an addiction) and stop the beer drinking and I think I'll be on the right track.
After JP arrived we ordered, continued with our regurlarly scheduled sillyness and decided to walk to the new baseball stadium. TBD isn't that familiar with the downtown area and JP just wanted to see what was up with it. After a nice walk, we started making our way back to where we had started when we passed another of the incredibly cool bars downtown. I happened to notice a motorcycle that looked suspiciously like one belonging to the amazingly hot keyboard player.
It was him. I hadn't intended on saying anything...but I did. And I'm glad I did! He invited TBD, JP and I to join him for drinks on his tab at the bar. Not ones to give up free drinks, we did. Boy did we. I know I knocked back at least 2 shots (a three wisemen and a surfer on acid, i think) and a beer. Sweet moses. I was a little tipsy by the time we left, but declined The Keyboard Player's invitation to join him at my former place of employment.
Oh man, if this is what my summer is going to be like, hanging out with fun (and hot to boot) guys, knocking back drinks and laughing my patootie off, then this is definitely going to be one of the best summers ever!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Hmmm...
O.k., I admit, this whole new format thing isn't exactly tooting my horn either.
I thought, that maybe if I switched my focus here, I wouldn't have to worry about the real-lifers who found this thing. The ones that I NEVER wanted to see this would just stop reading and that would be that. Yeah, well, as much as I like sports, this whole move to all sports all the time is not cutting it.
I may read ESPN The Magazine and SI on a regular basis but there is only so much a person can blather on about sports. Even I have my limits. Especially when it's the same thing ALL THE TIME.
So, that being said, expect a return to your regularly scheduled diatribe about my lack of dates and/or a love life.
O.k., I admit, this whole new format thing isn't exactly tooting my horn either.
I thought, that maybe if I switched my focus here, I wouldn't have to worry about the real-lifers who found this thing. The ones that I NEVER wanted to see this would just stop reading and that would be that. Yeah, well, as much as I like sports, this whole move to all sports all the time is not cutting it.
I may read ESPN The Magazine and SI on a regular basis but there is only so much a person can blather on about sports. Even I have my limits. Especially when it's the same thing ALL THE TIME.
So, that being said, expect a return to your regularly scheduled diatribe about my lack of dates and/or a love life.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Passion
(I'm taking a page from the delightful Miss Charming and warning you in advance. This is a long post, but hopefully explains this blog and it's recent changes.)
I was a history major in college. That's something I don't think many of you know. At an early age I was enthralled with anything and everything related to the past. Being in such close proximity to Philadelphia (two hours east of my location) and Washington, D.C. (two hours south) made frequent trips to museums the cherry on my summer sundaes. The thought that I had a connection to these people who did so much before me, just thrilled me to no end. It was almost like I could imagine them and actually feel their struggles or triumphs. History is still a major part of my life, even if I'm not working in the field. I devour historical fiction novels like mad.
The original plan was for me to become a teacher. That's what most history major's do. They teach. But not me. No. Instead I decided in my sophomore year to drop that part of my major and just be a straight history major. It was three summers working as a park instructor that cured me of the teaching itch, as I realized I love kids, just not enough to be confined in a small room with 20-30 of them for 8 hours a day. Not so much.
When I graduated, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Law school? Grad school? Go back for a different degree? Take classes to become a paralegal? I had no idea.
So I worked at Wal-Mart. My parents, needless to say, were less than thrilled that after 4 years of college and a huge mountain of debt, I was working at Wal-Mart.
I was only at Wal-Mart about 8 months before I found a "real" job (which, as it turns out, I suffered through for 6 loooong years). In the interim I picked up a second job at our local newspaper. Once or twice a week I worked as a clerk in the sports department, taking scores, typing in high school results and answering the telephone.
And I fell in love.
Never, in my four years of college, or high school for that matter, had I even considered entering the journalism business. I wasn't exactly the best paper writer. Oh, I got by just fine but I was always the student printing out the 25 page Local Govt. paper at 7:30 a.m. the day it was due after having been up all night writing it. That's just how I operate, my best work always came at the last minute.
After moving into proofing some stories a little bit, I realized I could do what our correspondents were doing. Sure I hadn't been to J-School but I was college educated and grasped the basic tenants of writing. I begged my editor at the time to send me out to cover something, anything. He was a little hesitant but eventually sent me off to cover a local high school soccer game. My instructions were to focus on one player mostly, but keep it simple. My first story, was, to say the least, very, very rough. It's sitting in my clips folder at home and whenever I want a good chuckle, I pull it out and read it. Lucky for me my editor and the copy editors were very patient and willing to teach as I went along.
It wasn't long before I added news clips to my folder. The head city editor put me in as an editorial assistant on Sundays, typing in bits and pieces of small stuff as it came in. Then I was made "obit writer", my primary beat being stories about people who had recently passed on. Believe it or not, I loved it. It was mixing my two favorite things, history and human interest, into one nice package. I also became the go to person in the newsroom when we were super busy (third string, if you will). There were a few occasions where I was sent out to cover something because a bigger news even happened and the main writers that day were otherwise occupied.
With my new confidence, I started applying for full-time writing jobs. I had a few interviews but not much more than that. It really started bringing me down. Especially since I kept applying for jobs at my own newspaper, and they kept rejecting me. One of the city editors told me I didn't have enough experience...despite having worked there for almost 5 years at that point. I became frustrated and very disillusioned about the whole thing, so I left the paper as I didn't see any other option available to me. It wasn't the easiest decision. I loved writing. I loved my co-workers (one of which is still my best friend in the whole wide world). I cried my last night because I didn't really want to leave.
I moved away from writing for awhile. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But it was needed, for my own sake.
Now that I've gotten over a few personal issues, I'm more than ever determined to start writing again about the one thing that gets my blood moving...sports. I've always loved sports so anything that I can do to combine the two is right up my alley. The idea for the change in this blog to a more sports oriented theme stems from that. And the fact that several people outside of the blogosphere, none of which should have ever seen this blog, told me they found it didn't help.
So here we are. A new direction. I'm excited and yes, I will be heavy on the O's, Duke basketball and Penn State Football (I'm a fan, sue me.). But I'll make sure to include other tidbits regarding sports that my interest. Because if nothing else, working in the journalism industry taught me to be fair and balanced...and not in a FOX News "fair and balanced" kind of way either.
(I'm taking a page from the delightful Miss Charming and warning you in advance. This is a long post, but hopefully explains this blog and it's recent changes.)
I was a history major in college. That's something I don't think many of you know. At an early age I was enthralled with anything and everything related to the past. Being in such close proximity to Philadelphia (two hours east of my location) and Washington, D.C. (two hours south) made frequent trips to museums the cherry on my summer sundaes. The thought that I had a connection to these people who did so much before me, just thrilled me to no end. It was almost like I could imagine them and actually feel their struggles or triumphs. History is still a major part of my life, even if I'm not working in the field. I devour historical fiction novels like mad.
The original plan was for me to become a teacher. That's what most history major's do. They teach. But not me. No. Instead I decided in my sophomore year to drop that part of my major and just be a straight history major. It was three summers working as a park instructor that cured me of the teaching itch, as I realized I love kids, just not enough to be confined in a small room with 20-30 of them for 8 hours a day. Not so much.
When I graduated, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Law school? Grad school? Go back for a different degree? Take classes to become a paralegal? I had no idea.
So I worked at Wal-Mart. My parents, needless to say, were less than thrilled that after 4 years of college and a huge mountain of debt, I was working at Wal-Mart.
I was only at Wal-Mart about 8 months before I found a "real" job (which, as it turns out, I suffered through for 6 loooong years). In the interim I picked up a second job at our local newspaper. Once or twice a week I worked as a clerk in the sports department, taking scores, typing in high school results and answering the telephone.
And I fell in love.
Never, in my four years of college, or high school for that matter, had I even considered entering the journalism business. I wasn't exactly the best paper writer. Oh, I got by just fine but I was always the student printing out the 25 page Local Govt. paper at 7:30 a.m. the day it was due after having been up all night writing it. That's just how I operate, my best work always came at the last minute.
After moving into proofing some stories a little bit, I realized I could do what our correspondents were doing. Sure I hadn't been to J-School but I was college educated and grasped the basic tenants of writing. I begged my editor at the time to send me out to cover something, anything. He was a little hesitant but eventually sent me off to cover a local high school soccer game. My instructions were to focus on one player mostly, but keep it simple. My first story, was, to say the least, very, very rough. It's sitting in my clips folder at home and whenever I want a good chuckle, I pull it out and read it. Lucky for me my editor and the copy editors were very patient and willing to teach as I went along.
It wasn't long before I added news clips to my folder. The head city editor put me in as an editorial assistant on Sundays, typing in bits and pieces of small stuff as it came in. Then I was made "obit writer", my primary beat being stories about people who had recently passed on. Believe it or not, I loved it. It was mixing my two favorite things, history and human interest, into one nice package. I also became the go to person in the newsroom when we were super busy (third string, if you will). There were a few occasions where I was sent out to cover something because a bigger news even happened and the main writers that day were otherwise occupied.
With my new confidence, I started applying for full-time writing jobs. I had a few interviews but not much more than that. It really started bringing me down. Especially since I kept applying for jobs at my own newspaper, and they kept rejecting me. One of the city editors told me I didn't have enough experience...despite having worked there for almost 5 years at that point. I became frustrated and very disillusioned about the whole thing, so I left the paper as I didn't see any other option available to me. It wasn't the easiest decision. I loved writing. I loved my co-workers (one of which is still my best friend in the whole wide world). I cried my last night because I didn't really want to leave.
I moved away from writing for awhile. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But it was needed, for my own sake.
Now that I've gotten over a few personal issues, I'm more than ever determined to start writing again about the one thing that gets my blood moving...sports. I've always loved sports so anything that I can do to combine the two is right up my alley. The idea for the change in this blog to a more sports oriented theme stems from that. And the fact that several people outside of the blogosphere, none of which should have ever seen this blog, told me they found it didn't help.
So here we are. A new direction. I'm excited and yes, I will be heavy on the O's, Duke basketball and Penn State Football (I'm a fan, sue me.). But I'll make sure to include other tidbits regarding sports that my interest. Because if nothing else, working in the journalism industry taught me to be fair and balanced...and not in a FOX News "fair and balanced" kind of way either.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Forcing my hand
You (all of three of you that still come here on a regular basis) may have noticed my extended absence from this blog recently. While yes, time is very short for me right now to do blogging, that is not my excuse for abandoning my corner of the internet.
I have been found.
By several people I did not intend to EVER see this blog.
Now I'm at a crossroads. I want to keep the blog. I don't want to get rid of it but I think, the focus is going to have to shift considerably. This was always the place that I went to in order to vent, let loose and get things off of my chest. Not so much anymore. If I know people who know me very closely are reading this, I am more likely to edit myself. And I don't want to do that. One of the promises I made to myself a long time ago when this was started was that I wouldn't edit myself. Everything would be put out there raw and uncovered. Because that is how I am and the only way to get it off my mind is to put it out there.
Not so much anymore. So instead, this blog will be going through a transformation, if you will in the next week. New background being just one of the more noticeable changes along with a title and content...which will now be more sports themed. My first post will explain all.
Thank you to everyone who has been there with me as I've written about almost every aspect of this tiny speck of a life I have. Especially those who have become good internet friends. I hope you will continue to read after I've made the changes. If you don't, that's o.k. Just drop in every now and then to say hi, that's all I ask.
You (all of three of you that still come here on a regular basis) may have noticed my extended absence from this blog recently. While yes, time is very short for me right now to do blogging, that is not my excuse for abandoning my corner of the internet.
I have been found.
By several people I did not intend to EVER see this blog.
Now I'm at a crossroads. I want to keep the blog. I don't want to get rid of it but I think, the focus is going to have to shift considerably. This was always the place that I went to in order to vent, let loose and get things off of my chest. Not so much anymore. If I know people who know me very closely are reading this, I am more likely to edit myself. And I don't want to do that. One of the promises I made to myself a long time ago when this was started was that I wouldn't edit myself. Everything would be put out there raw and uncovered. Because that is how I am and the only way to get it off my mind is to put it out there.
Not so much anymore. So instead, this blog will be going through a transformation, if you will in the next week. New background being just one of the more noticeable changes along with a title and content...which will now be more sports themed. My first post will explain all.
Thank you to everyone who has been there with me as I've written about almost every aspect of this tiny speck of a life I have. Especially those who have become good internet friends. I hope you will continue to read after I've made the changes. If you don't, that's o.k. Just drop in every now and then to say hi, that's all I ask.