I don't want to grow up

"You're never going to grow up, are you?"

My cousin, who is married and just turned 30, turned to me and said Sunday. We were at my aunt's for one of my younger cousin's birthday party. We had cooked out and spent some time in the pool. The cousin I was talking to arrived while I was playing a knock down, drag out game of pool volleyball. In my family, every game is knock down balls to the wall and if you don't come to play, well, then you better get out of the pool.

Because you'll be needed to chase after the ball when it goes out of bounds.

"Nah, I doubt it." I smiled and turned to talk to her for a little while my sister and brother-in-law argued in the pool about who hit the ball out last.

"Really, who says you need to grow up once you hit 30? I'm having more fun now than when I was in my 20s."

"Really," she looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah. Come on, why stop enjoying yourself once you get married and 'settle down'? If settling down means I have to stop having fun then I guess I'm not settling down."

She laughed.

"That's why I'm glad we're related. You remind me that we're still young."

It was my turn to laugh.

"Yeah, someone has to."

By this time her husband was looking for her so they could leave so we said our good-byes and she was gone.

The conversation has stayed with me all day today. Am I ready to settle down? On some level, yeah. I want to have my own place, a better job (preferably one that provides me with enough income so that it is my ONLY job)...a family. Yeah, I said it. A family. Lately, the more I spend time with my niece, my friends kids, Room Mate #1's nephew the more I hear the clock ticking. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have the guy first.

That's the part I have the problem with. After so much disappointment, heart-break and lack of success I'm afraid anymore to try. I've noticed the same cycle repeating itself. I meet a guy, we start hanging out...maybe have dinner, go catch a movie or just spend a night talking. Phone calls and texts go back and forth. Then just when I start letting myself open up a little or we hit the point where something might happen... it doesn't. We hit the friend zone. That's happened with THREE guys in last couple of months. I don't know if my radar is out of whack or I'm just not putting forth enough effort.

Things are still up in the air with HM. I haven't heard from him since he left the comment on my Myspace page that sent my heart moving faster than it has in a long time. If you take a look, you'll know which one I mean.

Anonymous, you asked me why I used the terminology "a girl like me". I have never been the pretty one, the popular one, the one all the guys want. I was the girl who stayed home for all of her homecomings and both proms because she didn't have a date. I was the girl who went to dances and sat on the sidelines because none of the guys danced with her. I was the girl who slept with random guys in college just because they showed her some interest, even when she knew she'd never hear from them again.

I may be in a better place now, but that girl, the one who gets overlooked for the prettier, thinner, blonder girl next to her is still there. She's the one who cries herself to sleep at night because she just wants to be loved and can't remember the last time a man put his arms around her and just held her. Because he wanted to.

So to answer both questions, I may or may not grow up someday, who knows. The fun loving side of me is coming out stronger now but in the back is the girl who just wants to be kissed, and held and told she's perfect, no matter what she looks like or how much she loses her temper.