Monday, June 25, 2007

Ending and beginning

Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.

This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.

The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.

I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.

He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.

I had to reclaim my heart.

So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."

And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.

And I'm ready to start putting it out there.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good for you.

Letting go of the past is the first step in becoming the person you always wanted to be.

Now, if you can just shake those residual "am-I-still-the-same-person-I-was-in-high-school" negative thoughts, I think you'll be well on your way to a happy, healthy and whole heart.