The amount of things we have in common is...incredible. So incredible it really is freaky. Right down to the lines on our hands. The love of music, baseball (he's for the Phillies, I of course am hopelessly devoted to the loveable losers in Baltimore) and french vanilla coffeemate are making this relationship actually easy.
For so many years I was in the dating world working under the impression that this whole, process was, well, a process. Work. Something that needed intensive labor. The time spent on going out, doing my hair and make up was all part of the price a girl must pay to find someone to share her life with.
Not necessisarly a chore, but work none the less.
Now though, I'm wondering. Because things with PNS are easy. The conversation flows. No awkward silences. We both go with the flow, take things as they come. He doesn't mind that I spend time with J, TBD or JP and I know he's got a lot of female friends that he spends time with. Neither one of us expects to spend every waking moment with the other but when we're apart, at least for me, I miss him terribly.
I must admit that there are moments when I wonder if this is too easy. When the other shoe is going to drop and this whole thing will fall apart. And yeah, I know that's left over from the effed up relationships of my past. From being six months in with the one who broke my heart the most before he ended it. From abruptly being told after eight months that it just isn't working and He's moving back to Florida. From doing all the work, putting it all out there...and not getting anything in return.
This is different.
And I'm almost ready to let down the last wall.
Almost.
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moving on. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Rattling
Lots of things rattling around in my brain right now. Most of it having to do with PNS (need to come up with a new name since he is now at boyfriend status) and what has been going on between us. Oh, it has been great, don't get me wrong. In fact the road the relationship is on seemsto be pretty damn smooth.
Which scares me.
It's never been this easy. I'm so used to my relationships being work, hard work at that, that this is new territory for me. We've talked about such things too. And he's starting to get where I'm coming from. How my spotty record is effectig me. There's one difference this time though. This one hasn't run away like so many of the others have.
Have I turned a new leaf? Maybe. I just think that maybe, for once, I'm just in a good place and ready for a good relationship.
And despite my past, I think the future is looking pretty good.
Lots of things rattling around in my brain right now. Most of it having to do with PNS (need to come up with a new name since he is now at boyfriend status) and what has been going on between us. Oh, it has been great, don't get me wrong. In fact the road the relationship is on seemsto be pretty damn smooth.
Which scares me.
It's never been this easy. I'm so used to my relationships being work, hard work at that, that this is new territory for me. We've talked about such things too. And he's starting to get where I'm coming from. How my spotty record is effectig me. There's one difference this time though. This one hasn't run away like so many of the others have.
Have I turned a new leaf? Maybe. I just think that maybe, for once, I'm just in a good place and ready for a good relationship.
And despite my past, I think the future is looking pretty good.
Friday, December 28, 2007
All's quiet on the South Central Pennsyltucky front
It's appropriate that this last Friday of 2007 is a nice quiet one, considering what the end of my year last year was like. Unlike 2006, December of 2007 has been slightly calmer and dare I say (hopefully not jinxing anything) drama free.
No TBD drama.
No parents drama...o.k., well, minimal parental drama.
I feel like I may just escape the end of this year with a smile and even more shockingly, hope for once that my life is on the upswing.
What a difference a year makes.
The guys are both at work tonight so I'm firmly entrenched on the couch, catching up on some blog reading, doing laundry and catching bits and pieces of movies (The Mummy, Grease, etc. Yeah, I'm a flipper). It's nice to have the house to myself but I must say it's a little lonely here in the homestead without the furry room mate, this being the first Friday night alone without him and all. While I do enjoy my alone time, it was always reassuring to have at least Oscar hanging around.
I went back today and reread some of my posts from the end of last year, beginning of this year. Wow. How quickly things can change. TBD and I are finally, after much drama, bickering and nasty comments traded back an forth at a good point in our friendship. He's realized he doesn't necessarily need to share everything he does with me and I've stopped mocking his manhood in retaliation when he makes me angry. It's a truce I guess. And I'm glad for it, he's better as a friend anyway because as a boyfriend or even friend with benefits, he wasn't so much.
The only thing I'm disappointed about is the one goal I didn't meet that I wanted to the most...moving out on my own. Financially 2007 was quite a roller coaster. With my car finally paid off though and some extra money saved up from the guard directing gigs, I'm ahead for once. I'm hoping this year, well, this year will be the year I get the heck back out there on my own. It may not seem like a big deal but to me, the original overly independent one (ask my mom about the time I tried to run away when I was 5 or 6), it's a HUGE deal.
Thinking about the ups and downs, gains and losses of this last year has made me realize that I'm actually heading into 2008 in a better place than where I was heading into 2007...new friends, new opportunities and dare I say, thinking that the L word isn't such a bad word after all.
It's appropriate that this last Friday of 2007 is a nice quiet one, considering what the end of my year last year was like. Unlike 2006, December of 2007 has been slightly calmer and dare I say (hopefully not jinxing anything) drama free.
No TBD drama.
No parents drama...o.k., well, minimal parental drama.
I feel like I may just escape the end of this year with a smile and even more shockingly, hope for once that my life is on the upswing.
What a difference a year makes.
The guys are both at work tonight so I'm firmly entrenched on the couch, catching up on some blog reading, doing laundry and catching bits and pieces of movies (The Mummy, Grease, etc. Yeah, I'm a flipper). It's nice to have the house to myself but I must say it's a little lonely here in the homestead without the furry room mate, this being the first Friday night alone without him and all. While I do enjoy my alone time, it was always reassuring to have at least Oscar hanging around.
I went back today and reread some of my posts from the end of last year, beginning of this year. Wow. How quickly things can change. TBD and I are finally, after much drama, bickering and nasty comments traded back an forth at a good point in our friendship. He's realized he doesn't necessarily need to share everything he does with me and I've stopped mocking his manhood in retaliation when he makes me angry. It's a truce I guess. And I'm glad for it, he's better as a friend anyway because as a boyfriend or even friend with benefits, he wasn't so much.
The only thing I'm disappointed about is the one goal I didn't meet that I wanted to the most...moving out on my own. Financially 2007 was quite a roller coaster. With my car finally paid off though and some extra money saved up from the guard directing gigs, I'm ahead for once. I'm hoping this year, well, this year will be the year I get the heck back out there on my own. It may not seem like a big deal but to me, the original overly independent one (ask my mom about the time I tried to run away when I was 5 or 6), it's a HUGE deal.
Thinking about the ups and downs, gains and losses of this last year has made me realize that I'm actually heading into 2008 in a better place than where I was heading into 2007...new friends, new opportunities and dare I say, thinking that the L word isn't such a bad word after all.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I've been everywhere, man
Forgive me if this post meanders at all. I returned from vacation Sunday and my brain has been slow to get back into work/normal life mode. I'd love it if I could STAY in vacation mode, but that doesn't fly when you're doing the work of three people and playing catch up from just being off for one measly day.
Ahem.
Let's start with something easy. Vacay. Oh how nice it was to get out of Pennsyltucky for a few days, lounge by the ocean and actually let my stress and
worries roll out with the tides. Work Friend A and I headed out for Bethany Beach, Del. this past Thursday after work, not looking back and vowing not to talk about work. At all. Just like the sunshine, that lasted until we got to the Maryland line. It started raining, and raining, and raining some more right after we crossed out of Pennsyltucky. I turned to A with a worried look on my face and said "I hope this doesn't follow us the whole way down there."
Ah, me and my psychic ways. The rain stuck with us until just north of Bethany, when we stopped for dinner, then miracle of miracles, the sun came out and the clouds started clearing away. A better view than what we had just driven through, to be sure. Friday we had a little bit of rain in the morning (after we were already on the beach, of course), not wanting to give up our prime beach real estate we tried to tough it out but it started raining harder so we caved in to the weather and went shopping instead. After lunch the sky was clear so we hit the beach again. Lady luck was smiling down on us because we managed to snag the prime spot we had before. It was heaven...warm, sunny and water cold enough to shock your pores closed for the next 10 days. That night we trekked into Ocean City, walked the boardwalk, wondered what the heck is wrong with kids these days (we saw some very interesting sights on the boardwalk, to say the least), listened to some street performers (one of which was situated on a bench with an accordian and a Homer Simpson mask), ran into someone I knew from home (always happens)...then called it a night around 11. We had big plans for Saturday.
Saturday was quite the adventure. A and I dragged ourselves out of bed early to catch the Lewes-Cape May ferry. We had a pleasant 1 hour and 20 min. ride across the bay to Jersey where we shopped a little before we stopped for lunch. What a lunch it was too! You definitely get your money's worth at the Jackson Mountain Cafe (highly recommend it if you're ever in Cape May, NJ). A left half of her sandwich on her plate, too full to finish and I only finished 3/4 of my own. I hated to leave that much of such a good thing on my plate but I've gotten to the point where when I'm full, I stop. No more of this stuffing myself to bursting then feeling miserable. But I digress. We spent the rest of the day on the beach in Cape May, again enjoying the gorgeous weather, the cool water and the view at the lifeguard stand. On the way back to our shuttle to the ferry, we checked out some of the wonderful victorian style homes Cape May is known for. I wish we had more time because I could have spent all day just walking up and down the slate sidewalks looking at the gardens and marveling at the wide range of colors and styles of homes.
Of course, we came home early Sunday morning because I, as I always do, had to work. It was hard to come back, I definitely could have used a few more days off.
There have been other things going on now that are either baffling to me or just causing me to be super duper busy and away from my computer more than usual. All I'm going to say about the baffling is that someone is showing me some attention (good attention) and I'm a little...confused...no, that's not the word I want to use...I'm not sure how I want to say this because I am so flattered and so overwhelmed that someone so smart, funny, sweet and incredibly handsome would even have the time of day for me. I don't know. I love that we've started up this dialog we have going and I sincerely hope it continues. Getting his emails is one of the high points of my day.
Band is getting into high gear now too. I figured out that come fall, I'll have a band activity at either one of the two schools about 4 or 5 times a week. Guh. Once a band geek, always a band geek.
Forgive me if this post meanders at all. I returned from vacation Sunday and my brain has been slow to get back into work/normal life mode. I'd love it if I could STAY in vacation mode, but that doesn't fly when you're doing the work of three people and playing catch up from just being off for one measly day.
Ahem.
Let's start with something easy. Vacay. Oh how nice it was to get out of Pennsyltucky for a few days, lounge by the ocean and actually let my stress and
worries roll out with the tides. Work Friend A and I headed out for Bethany Beach, Del. this past Thursday after work, not looking back and vowing not to talk about work. At all. Just like the sunshine, that lasted until we got to the Maryland line. It started raining, and raining, and raining some more right after we crossed out of Pennsyltucky. I turned to A with a worried look on my face and said "I hope this doesn't follow us the whole way down there."
Ah, me and my psychic ways. The rain stuck with us until just north of Bethany, when we stopped for dinner, then miracle of miracles, the sun came out and the clouds started clearing away. A better view than what we had just driven through, to be sure. Friday we had a little bit of rain in the morning (after we were already on the beach, of course), not wanting to give up our prime beach real estate we tried to tough it out but it started raining harder so we caved in to the weather and went shopping instead. After lunch the sky was clear so we hit the beach again. Lady luck was smiling down on us because we managed to snag the prime spot we had before. It was heaven...warm, sunny and water cold enough to shock your pores closed for the next 10 days. That night we trekked into Ocean City, walked the boardwalk, wondered what the heck is wrong with kids these days (we saw some very interesting sights on the boardwalk, to say the least), listened to some street performers (one of which was situated on a bench with an accordian and a Homer Simpson mask), ran into someone I knew from home (always happens)...then called it a night around 11. We had big plans for Saturday.
Saturday was quite the adventure. A and I dragged ourselves out of bed early to catch the Lewes-Cape May ferry. We had a pleasant 1 hour and 20 min. ride across the bay to Jersey where we shopped a little before we stopped for lunch. What a lunch it was too! You definitely get your money's worth at the Jackson Mountain Cafe (highly recommend it if you're ever in Cape May, NJ). A left half of her sandwich on her plate, too full to finish and I only finished 3/4 of my own. I hated to leave that much of such a good thing on my plate but I've gotten to the point where when I'm full, I stop. No more of this stuffing myself to bursting then feeling miserable. But I digress. We spent the rest of the day on the beach in Cape May, again enjoying the gorgeous weather, the cool water and the view at the lifeguard stand. On the way back to our shuttle to the ferry, we checked out some of the wonderful victorian style homes Cape May is known for. I wish we had more time because I could have spent all day just walking up and down the slate sidewalks looking at the gardens and marveling at the wide range of colors and styles of homes.
Of course, we came home early Sunday morning because I, as I always do, had to work. It was hard to come back, I definitely could have used a few more days off.
There have been other things going on now that are either baffling to me or just causing me to be super duper busy and away from my computer more than usual. All I'm going to say about the baffling is that someone is showing me some attention (good attention) and I'm a little...confused...no, that's not the word I want to use...I'm not sure how I want to say this because I am so flattered and so overwhelmed that someone so smart, funny, sweet and incredibly handsome would even have the time of day for me. I don't know. I love that we've started up this dialog we have going and I sincerely hope it continues. Getting his emails is one of the high points of my day.
Band is getting into high gear now too. I figured out that come fall, I'll have a band activity at either one of the two schools about 4 or 5 times a week. Guh. Once a band geek, always a band geek.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Ending and beginning
Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.
This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.
The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.
I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.
He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.
I had to reclaim my heart.
So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."
And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.
And I'm ready to start putting it out there.
Several years ago (it's been about 3 or 4 now) I fell in love for the first time. Let me preface what I'm about to say with the following disclaimer: I had many crushes before that. Many times I thought I was in the L word with someone. This time was different.
This time, for the first time in my life, I understood.
The guy, who out of respect for his wishes I won't get too detailed about, was someone who came out of the blue. We exchanged emails. Then we started talking on the phone a good bit when we could. Then...just when I thought I couldn't resist anymore, there was a magical kiss in my car after a night out. That kiss is burned in my memory forever. It was the kind of kiss that makes time stop and not start again until it's finished.
I convinced myself after that night, that this was it. This was my one chance. Deep down though, I knew it couldn't happen. There were other circumstances that just were not right. I like to think that the whole thing just represents more of my crappy timing in life. Right place, wrong time. After the kiss things simmered down to the point that we barely spoke at all. I was pained deeply because I had actually, for the first time fallen deeply, madly, in love with someone. And it just couldn't be.
He eventually faded away, moved and we lost touch, which in hindsight, was for the best. I had a hard time letting go and I'm not afraid to admit it. Not that I ever believed anything would ever happen between us, because it wouldn't. It couldn't. As I have been trying to move my life forward though, I have come to the realization that unless I let go of any residual feelings from a few years ago, I wouldn't be able to let anyone else in.
I had to reclaim my heart.
So last Tuesday I dragged my friend J with me to see His band play. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to react. It was either going to be the biggest mistake of my life or the biggest display of emotional fortitude I ever exhibited. Luckily, it turned to be option B. We ran into him on the street before the show and while I was happy to see him, I felt...nothing. No jumping heart. No butterflies. I was just happy to see him again. And after we walked in opposite directions I turned to J and said "That was good. I feel good about this. I'm over."
And with that, the door slammed on a part of my life that until recently, I hadn't realized was holding me back. The best part is, I feel good about it too. For what it's worth, my heart is mine again.
And I'm ready to start putting it out there.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Whiny McWhinerson goes on a vacation
I've noticed an awful lot of whining going on in regards to this blog. Reading over the last couple of entries the number of whiny related posts about my lack of a love life, lack of a decent job, lack of money, etc. has been extremely high. And I'm embarrassed.
Whining does not look good on me. Yes, things are on the bad side right now but they're not always that way. Life swings back and forth from good to bad on a regular basis for all of us. What makes me so damn special to think I shouldn't be any different?
As my day is going on, I've been trying to figure out ways to remedy the situation and I think I've hit on something. I'm going to take a few days away from not just the blog, but the internet in general. I'll probably check my email and maybe hop on my MySpace page but beyond that, I need to spend some time on me. More importantly I need to spend some timing remembering all of the good things in my life instead of the bad. What it boils down to is I do have a lot to be greatful for. Friends, family, two jobs (while that may not seem to be something to be greatful for, some people don't have any), a working car, my health and so many opportunities I don't know which way to turn.
On that note, I may or may not post in the next couple of days. I do have some pictures from Opening Night and some thoughts on that but beyond that I'm going to just chill out. Get a few things done around the house...and remind myself again that NOT having a boyfriend, significant other, etc. is not the end of the world. And I am worth the wait for someone who will appreciate me for me.
I've noticed an awful lot of whining going on in regards to this blog. Reading over the last couple of entries the number of whiny related posts about my lack of a love life, lack of a decent job, lack of money, etc. has been extremely high. And I'm embarrassed.
Whining does not look good on me. Yes, things are on the bad side right now but they're not always that way. Life swings back and forth from good to bad on a regular basis for all of us. What makes me so damn special to think I shouldn't be any different?
As my day is going on, I've been trying to figure out ways to remedy the situation and I think I've hit on something. I'm going to take a few days away from not just the blog, but the internet in general. I'll probably check my email and maybe hop on my MySpace page but beyond that, I need to spend some time on me. More importantly I need to spend some timing remembering all of the good things in my life instead of the bad. What it boils down to is I do have a lot to be greatful for. Friends, family, two jobs (while that may not seem to be something to be greatful for, some people don't have any), a working car, my health and so many opportunities I don't know which way to turn.
On that note, I may or may not post in the next couple of days. I do have some pictures from Opening Night and some thoughts on that but beyond that I'm going to just chill out. Get a few things done around the house...and remind myself again that NOT having a boyfriend, significant other, etc. is not the end of the world. And I am worth the wait for someone who will appreciate me for me.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Second thoughts are common after a night of tequila
Originally I had planned on deleting the post below. Let's just call it embarrassment born from the realization that one should never, never, never post after one has had two tequila shots and a very strong margarita before bed.
Then I decided to leave it, as a reminder that while drinking your troubles/frustrations away may seem like a good idea, it is not necessarily the best course of action. Especially when you need to be up and functioning at 6 a.m. the next day.
What set me off was the movie TBD, Megan and I saw last night. I had decided a few months ago when I saw a preview for it that Knocked Up was going to be one of those cute, girly movies I had to go check out when it made it to the theaters. Some of my female friends agreed but since it had come out, I hadn't been able to find anyone to go with me. I was under the impression TBD wouldn't want to go (considering our history). I mean, really, how ironic would that have been for us to see that movie together?
But he surprised me and said he would go. I owed him dinner so we planned that for the night too. He texted me unexpectedly in the middle of the day to tell me Megan, his latest girl, would be joining us and did I mind. I replied back with an emphatic no (Megan is a very cool girl who I get along with very well). Then I got it into my head to message HM about open mic night at one of the local watering holes. Was he going? I figured if he was, I'd drop in after the movie. Surprisingly, he responded. He had band practice but maybe would be there? He'd call me after if he was going.
I got pretty freaking excited.
The movie was cute. And funny. And made me cry, luckily not until I got into my car, but the tears still flowed. Unfortunately I couldn't chalk it up to being hormonal. This stemmed from my recent thinking along the lines that maybe I might be ready to settle down. That I'd like to find someone to be with. And had I not take Plan B in November, I would be 7 months pregnant right now. Me. Pregnant. In years past that idea would have repulsed me to no end. Now though...well...now I'm ready for it. And each day I get a little more convinced that it's not going to happen. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself from too much disappointment if the family with a white picket fence thing doesn't happen for me. I don't know. The fact that I never heard from HM didn't help matters.
But I digress.
After TBD, Megan and I parted ways I decided to go drown my sorrows before I went home. Two shots of tequila and a margarita later, I was feeling better. A little. Luckily my former part-time is not too far from the movie theater so when I walked in looking like hell, Craig knew something was wrong and hooked me up as fast as he could (there were other patrons around the bar) with the much needed alcohol. Former work buddy Theresa was on last night too. She saw things weren't kosher and stopped to talk to me. She reminded me that it's o.k. to feel that way but not to let it get me down. Love happens at the strangest times and even if it doesn't, no man is worth the pain and suffering. Deep down I knew she was right so I stopped my whining and soon put my misery out of my mind. The Jose helped too, of course.
This morning was a little ugly. I forgot how intolerant my body has become to shots of anything. After my coffee and bagel (best hangover food ever) I started to feel better. Until I remembered the post below.
Which now, I think, is staying up.
Originally I had planned on deleting the post below. Let's just call it embarrassment born from the realization that one should never, never, never post after one has had two tequila shots and a very strong margarita before bed.
Then I decided to leave it, as a reminder that while drinking your troubles/frustrations away may seem like a good idea, it is not necessarily the best course of action. Especially when you need to be up and functioning at 6 a.m. the next day.
What set me off was the movie TBD, Megan and I saw last night. I had decided a few months ago when I saw a preview for it that Knocked Up was going to be one of those cute, girly movies I had to go check out when it made it to the theaters. Some of my female friends agreed but since it had come out, I hadn't been able to find anyone to go with me. I was under the impression TBD wouldn't want to go (considering our history). I mean, really, how ironic would that have been for us to see that movie together?
But he surprised me and said he would go. I owed him dinner so we planned that for the night too. He texted me unexpectedly in the middle of the day to tell me Megan, his latest girl, would be joining us and did I mind. I replied back with an emphatic no (Megan is a very cool girl who I get along with very well). Then I got it into my head to message HM about open mic night at one of the local watering holes. Was he going? I figured if he was, I'd drop in after the movie. Surprisingly, he responded. He had band practice but maybe would be there? He'd call me after if he was going.
I got pretty freaking excited.
The movie was cute. And funny. And made me cry, luckily not until I got into my car, but the tears still flowed. Unfortunately I couldn't chalk it up to being hormonal. This stemmed from my recent thinking along the lines that maybe I might be ready to settle down. That I'd like to find someone to be with. And had I not take Plan B in November, I would be 7 months pregnant right now. Me. Pregnant. In years past that idea would have repulsed me to no end. Now though...well...now I'm ready for it. And each day I get a little more convinced that it's not going to happen. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself from too much disappointment if the family with a white picket fence thing doesn't happen for me. I don't know. The fact that I never heard from HM didn't help matters.
But I digress.
After TBD, Megan and I parted ways I decided to go drown my sorrows before I went home. Two shots of tequila and a margarita later, I was feeling better. A little. Luckily my former part-time is not too far from the movie theater so when I walked in looking like hell, Craig knew something was wrong and hooked me up as fast as he could (there were other patrons around the bar) with the much needed alcohol. Former work buddy Theresa was on last night too. She saw things weren't kosher and stopped to talk to me. She reminded me that it's o.k. to feel that way but not to let it get me down. Love happens at the strangest times and even if it doesn't, no man is worth the pain and suffering. Deep down I knew she was right so I stopped my whining and soon put my misery out of my mind. The Jose helped too, of course.
This morning was a little ugly. I forgot how intolerant my body has become to shots of anything. After my coffee and bagel (best hangover food ever) I started to feel better. Until I remembered the post below.
Which now, I think, is staying up.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Five miles looks good on you
For those of you coming into the game a little late, I've been on a get your big butt back to the gym and start running again track (no pun intended) since April. A few pictures from the beginning of the year turned up causing me to wonder how in the hell I had let myself get so out of shape. Nothing like a bad picture to motivate.
That and someone finally said something that clicked in my brain. TBD of all people was talking a about his recent weight loss (he's dropped 80lbs and I'm sure it's even more now) one night. He made a comment about it was time he was finally healthy. That's it. He just wanted to be healthy, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol. No worrying about the state of his heart or diabetes. He wanted to feel good and be healthy so he could enjoy life. And for some reason, even though I've heard it all before, it clicked.
Yeah, that's right. How can I enjoy my life if I'm not taking care of myself?
So I got back on the wagon. There was a point in my life about three years ago where I was running on a regular basis, doing 5ks and actually exercising as often as I could. Not to make excuses but life started getting in the way, my jobs and money stress demanded more of my time and I stopped. No more gym. No more running. My days became work-home-sleep-work. With regular pitstops at McDonalds or Wendy's along the way. Not good.
Now though, now I'm getting back on track. And like my friend Deb said (referencing her friend Jill) "It's a life change, not just a diet. Anything like this has to be done under the premise that you're changing for the rest of your life."
I'm running again. My knees protest a little bit more, this morning was hell what with all of the popping and cracking, but it feels good. I've slowly been working my way back up to 5k (3.1 or 3.2 miles depending on the course) and have even started going longer when I feel up to it. Yesterday I hit 5 miles. Me. Running 5 miles.
Somewhere my old gym teachers are falling over in disbelief.
To top it off I weighed in today...down 15lbs total AND I'm wearing a skirt I haven't worn in two years. I'm not going to lie, it feels damn good. Yeah, I have setbacks. I'm sure I'll be up a little bit tomorrow from the beer J and I drank while playing pool last night, but that's o.k. Because I'll just get back out there and move a little more.
It is my life, after all.
For those of you coming into the game a little late, I've been on a get your big butt back to the gym and start running again track (no pun intended) since April. A few pictures from the beginning of the year turned up causing me to wonder how in the hell I had let myself get so out of shape. Nothing like a bad picture to motivate.
That and someone finally said something that clicked in my brain. TBD of all people was talking a about his recent weight loss (he's dropped 80lbs and I'm sure it's even more now) one night. He made a comment about it was time he was finally healthy. That's it. He just wanted to be healthy, no high blood pressure or high cholesterol. No worrying about the state of his heart or diabetes. He wanted to feel good and be healthy so he could enjoy life. And for some reason, even though I've heard it all before, it clicked.
Yeah, that's right. How can I enjoy my life if I'm not taking care of myself?
So I got back on the wagon. There was a point in my life about three years ago where I was running on a regular basis, doing 5ks and actually exercising as often as I could. Not to make excuses but life started getting in the way, my jobs and money stress demanded more of my time and I stopped. No more gym. No more running. My days became work-home-sleep-work. With regular pitstops at McDonalds or Wendy's along the way. Not good.
Now though, now I'm getting back on track. And like my friend Deb said (referencing her friend Jill) "It's a life change, not just a diet. Anything like this has to be done under the premise that you're changing for the rest of your life."
I'm running again. My knees protest a little bit more, this morning was hell what with all of the popping and cracking, but it feels good. I've slowly been working my way back up to 5k (3.1 or 3.2 miles depending on the course) and have even started going longer when I feel up to it. Yesterday I hit 5 miles. Me. Running 5 miles.
Somewhere my old gym teachers are falling over in disbelief.
To top it off I weighed in today...down 15lbs total AND I'm wearing a skirt I haven't worn in two years. I'm not going to lie, it feels damn good. Yeah, I have setbacks. I'm sure I'll be up a little bit tomorrow from the beer J and I drank while playing pool last night, but that's o.k. Because I'll just get back out there and move a little more.
It is my life, after all.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Quiet
It's quiet in the house. Room mate #1 is off in Dover, Del. at the NASCAR Race (he's such a closet redneck it isn't funny) and Room mate #2 is sleeping. At least I think he is, I've heard his alarm go off about 3 or 4 times now.
Strange enough, it's even quiet outside. A small miracle considering the amount of traffic that goes by on the street perpendicular to mine. By this time at least one fire engine or ambulance has wailed down the street. Not tonight though.
I love it. The quiet that is. After dinner (beef, squash, yellow squash and rice in a tomato sauce) I've just been sitting in the living room, enjoying the quiet.
And thinking.
I'm trying not to get too excited about what happened Friday night. I've been replaying the whole scene over and over again (this time without the fogginess of alcohol or sleep deprivation) and really, I'm not even sure it was what I'm making it out to be. Yes, HM kissed me. Yes, he gave me a lot of attention while I was there...but I just don't want to think that it's more than him just being nice to me. Maybe my brain, afraid of another deep wound to my heart, is telling my heart that it really wasn't all that much. That ist was what it was, and that is it.
I'm so afraid to let myself fall for this guy. I know I can't let my life go by in fear of being rejected, again, but seriously, I'm so tired of it I just can't muster the energy to bring myself to get excited. In the back of my head that voice (the one I really wish would shut the hell up) is telling me that it's not worth it to even try because really, why would a guy like that go out with someone like me?
Sigh.
When TBD called me tonight I wanted to talk to him about it because he wasn't there Friday night. And as hard as it may be to believe, he is just the person I want to talk to about it. Odd, I know considering everything there is between us but he really has become just the one person right now I want to talk about this kind of thing with. I guess because he does know me so well, he can see right through the BS and tells it like it is. He knows what I'm like when I'm trying to make things work with a guy...first hand.
Unfortunately he had to hang up as he was on his way home from a field trip.
So now it's just my thoughts and I, in the living room with a bottle of wine...enjoying the silence, for just a little bit anyway.
It's quiet in the house. Room mate #1 is off in Dover, Del. at the NASCAR Race (he's such a closet redneck it isn't funny) and Room mate #2 is sleeping. At least I think he is, I've heard his alarm go off about 3 or 4 times now.
Strange enough, it's even quiet outside. A small miracle considering the amount of traffic that goes by on the street perpendicular to mine. By this time at least one fire engine or ambulance has wailed down the street. Not tonight though.
I love it. The quiet that is. After dinner (beef, squash, yellow squash and rice in a tomato sauce) I've just been sitting in the living room, enjoying the quiet.
And thinking.
I'm trying not to get too excited about what happened Friday night. I've been replaying the whole scene over and over again (this time without the fogginess of alcohol or sleep deprivation) and really, I'm not even sure it was what I'm making it out to be. Yes, HM kissed me. Yes, he gave me a lot of attention while I was there...but I just don't want to think that it's more than him just being nice to me. Maybe my brain, afraid of another deep wound to my heart, is telling my heart that it really wasn't all that much. That ist was what it was, and that is it.
I'm so afraid to let myself fall for this guy. I know I can't let my life go by in fear of being rejected, again, but seriously, I'm so tired of it I just can't muster the energy to bring myself to get excited. In the back of my head that voice (the one I really wish would shut the hell up) is telling me that it's not worth it to even try because really, why would a guy like that go out with someone like me?
Sigh.
When TBD called me tonight I wanted to talk to him about it because he wasn't there Friday night. And as hard as it may be to believe, he is just the person I want to talk to about it. Odd, I know considering everything there is between us but he really has become just the one person right now I want to talk about this kind of thing with. I guess because he does know me so well, he can see right through the BS and tells it like it is. He knows what I'm like when I'm trying to make things work with a guy...first hand.
Unfortunately he had to hang up as he was on his way home from a field trip.
So now it's just my thoughts and I, in the living room with a bottle of wine...enjoying the silence, for just a little bit anyway.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Thank god I was wearing the push up
Last night was the going away/send off party/my friends act like drunken idiots party for JP. He heads off for Texas tomorrow to spend the next three months being the biggest band geek in the world, riding on tour buses every day and sleeping on an air mattress. And he wouldn't have it any other way.
On a whim, I had invited the hottest musician around to come join us. He had met JP a few times when we were out and when his band played once or twice. No biggie. The fact that I have a crush like a 13 year old school girl on the boy is beside the point.
I never expected him to actually be there.
The gang got there before I did, as I had a previous commitment that kept me from joining them right away. As I was driving to the hangout spot JP called me.
"Your boy's here."
"Really?! Oh god, I'm glad I wore what I have on then."
JP laughed. "Right. How soon will you be here?"
"Give me 5 minutes."
"O.k. see ya soon."
We hung up and I started hyperventilating. Hot Musician was there. Hanging out. With us. Sometimes miracles do happen.
After I pulled in I took a few minutes to make sure I looked o.k. Hair? Brushed at least and laying nicely on my shoulders. Lip gloss? Freshly applied. Outfit? Perfect. My girls were in full display as I was wearing my new best friend. And a nicely low cut shirt. Hey, if you've got 'em, show 'em I say.
I started walking toward the bar when I heard a shout.
"Hey gorgeous!"
At first I didn't turn around because honestly, I usually don't think that applies to me.
Then a little louder and with that unmistakeable hint of the south "I said, HEY GORGEOUS!"
I whipped around and there was Hot Musician, sitting on the patio, talking on the phone, enjoying his beer with his feet up, cigarette dangling from his mouth. And sweet lord did he look hot.
"Hey ya handsome, how's it going?" I could feel myself blushing as we spoke.
"Not much, just hanging out here for a minute. You going inside?"
"Yeah."
"I'll see you inside then."
I proceeded to the door to the bar, found my friends and took my seat. Sure enough a little bit later he plopped down right beside me. We spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying each other's company. I wasn't drinking because, well, I'm poor right now but that didn't stop me from having a good time. Hot Musician and the rest ordered food, he offered to share with me but I declined as I recently reweighed myself and was feeling pretty damn good about the number I saw (12lbs gone for anyone keeping score). During the course of our conversations he touched my arm any number of times and made comments about my increased cleavage. I was totally eating it up too.
As he was getting ready to leave us, he hugged me good by, squeezed my arm and mentioned he was performing at an open mic event at one of the local watering holes Wednesday night. I just smiled and said I'd have to see if I could be there.
Which of course, I will.
Last night was the going away/send off party/my friends act like drunken idiots party for JP. He heads off for Texas tomorrow to spend the next three months being the biggest band geek in the world, riding on tour buses every day and sleeping on an air mattress. And he wouldn't have it any other way.
On a whim, I had invited the hottest musician around to come join us. He had met JP a few times when we were out and when his band played once or twice. No biggie. The fact that I have a crush like a 13 year old school girl on the boy is beside the point.
I never expected him to actually be there.
The gang got there before I did, as I had a previous commitment that kept me from joining them right away. As I was driving to the hangout spot JP called me.
"Your boy's here."
"Really?! Oh god, I'm glad I wore what I have on then."
JP laughed. "Right. How soon will you be here?"
"Give me 5 minutes."
"O.k. see ya soon."
We hung up and I started hyperventilating. Hot Musician was there. Hanging out. With us. Sometimes miracles do happen.
After I pulled in I took a few minutes to make sure I looked o.k. Hair? Brushed at least and laying nicely on my shoulders. Lip gloss? Freshly applied. Outfit? Perfect. My girls were in full display as I was wearing my new best friend. And a nicely low cut shirt. Hey, if you've got 'em, show 'em I say.
I started walking toward the bar when I heard a shout.
"Hey gorgeous!"
At first I didn't turn around because honestly, I usually don't think that applies to me.
Then a little louder and with that unmistakeable hint of the south "I said, HEY GORGEOUS!"
I whipped around and there was Hot Musician, sitting on the patio, talking on the phone, enjoying his beer with his feet up, cigarette dangling from his mouth. And sweet lord did he look hot.
"Hey ya handsome, how's it going?" I could feel myself blushing as we spoke.
"Not much, just hanging out here for a minute. You going inside?"
"Yeah."
"I'll see you inside then."
I proceeded to the door to the bar, found my friends and took my seat. Sure enough a little bit later he plopped down right beside me. We spent the rest of the night talking and enjoying each other's company. I wasn't drinking because, well, I'm poor right now but that didn't stop me from having a good time. Hot Musician and the rest ordered food, he offered to share with me but I declined as I recently reweighed myself and was feeling pretty damn good about the number I saw (12lbs gone for anyone keeping score). During the course of our conversations he touched my arm any number of times and made comments about my increased cleavage. I was totally eating it up too.
As he was getting ready to leave us, he hugged me good by, squeezed my arm and mentioned he was performing at an open mic event at one of the local watering holes Wednesday night. I just smiled and said I'd have to see if I could be there.
Which of course, I will.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Down
For some reason today, I'm feeling very low. Not that I don't really know the cause, because I do, but I'm trying to avoid it and push it down, which is making it worse. And putting me in a bad mood.
I've snapped at two different funeral directors over the phone today.
Sigh.
You'd think that after my wonderful weekend of partying with M and his friends (by the way, I will party more often with gays and lesbians as I was never complimented so much before in my life as I was Saturday night) I would be raring to go. But I'm not. I'm dreading tonight. Tonight is JP's going away party/dinner and TBD will be in attendance with his new girlfriend. I'm a little bit afraid about how I'll deal with it. Don't get me wrong, TBD and I are the bestest of friends now but still...it hurts a little to see someone I once had feelings for with someone new. The rub of it is the girl he's with now is the sweetest most wonderful person. And I'm glad they're together because they're both happy, and I like to see the people around me happy.
Even if I'm not.
The old why hasn't happened for me yet whine is hanging in my head. That constant reminder that when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a big, fat failure. What I'd like to have is some sign that I shouldn't give up hope yet, because lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'll meet someone. That I really should keep hanging in there.
Hope, I've found lately in that area of my life is definitely in short supply.
For some reason today, I'm feeling very low. Not that I don't really know the cause, because I do, but I'm trying to avoid it and push it down, which is making it worse. And putting me in a bad mood.
I've snapped at two different funeral directors over the phone today.
Sigh.
You'd think that after my wonderful weekend of partying with M and his friends (by the way, I will party more often with gays and lesbians as I was never complimented so much before in my life as I was Saturday night) I would be raring to go. But I'm not. I'm dreading tonight. Tonight is JP's going away party/dinner and TBD will be in attendance with his new girlfriend. I'm a little bit afraid about how I'll deal with it. Don't get me wrong, TBD and I are the bestest of friends now but still...it hurts a little to see someone I once had feelings for with someone new. The rub of it is the girl he's with now is the sweetest most wonderful person. And I'm glad they're together because they're both happy, and I like to see the people around me happy.
Even if I'm not.
The old why hasn't happened for me yet whine is hanging in my head. That constant reminder that when it comes to matters of the heart, I'm a big, fat failure. What I'd like to have is some sign that I shouldn't give up hope yet, because lately, I'm finding it harder and harder to believe that I'll meet someone. That I really should keep hanging in there.
Hope, I've found lately in that area of my life is definitely in short supply.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Friends and wine
The best part of getting older is that now when my friends and I get together, a good night consists of a bottle of wine (or two), some steaks on the grill and hanging out on the patio. I called L as soon as I got out of work to see what was on her agenda for the night. We both had some errands to run (ie, Mother's Day presents to buy) so the plan was to get together later for some grilling. And wine.
Did I mention there was wine?
We spent a pleasant spring night, hanging out with L's dad, who is a MASTER with the grill I might add, and catching up. Swapping stories about work and various going ons on in life. L lives in Hoboken and has much more exciting goings on than I do. She shared stories about work (she's a lawyer) and going out in the City to see Amy Winehouse or grab drinks at some incredibley cool bar. I talked about band practices and my upcoming part-time job with the baseball team. Before I knew it, we were through a bottle of Chardonay and a bottle of red (i'm thinking it was Merlot) was half gone. And I as feeling good.
Room mate #1 was getting out of work early so we hung out a little more at L's parents house until he called then met him out at our favorite watering hole. By this time we were both feeling very good so I nursed a beer when we got there. Room mate #1 and L started catching up when we sat down. I had heard some of the stories already so I checked my phone. TBD had called. I excused myself to go outside and call him back.
"You called?"
"Yeah, a while ago, we got first place today! My kids were awesome (he was at a competition with his 5th/6th grad band). I'm very proud of them."
"That's great!"
"Yeah. Where are you?"
"Out. L and I met up with Room Mate #1 for a few beers."
"Oh, I could have met you out. Too tired now, I'm going to get going."
"O.k., bye"
I hung up and went back inside. Then texted TBD. We had gotten off of the phone so fast I didn't get to ask him something that I had been thinking about for quite some time. Something that went back to last year.
After about 10 minutes he called me back.
"What's up? I'm just getting ready to go to bad."
"I'm sorry. And what I'm about to ask is not intended to cause trouble. I wouldn't trade what we have now for what it was like last year."
"Wow, this sounds serious."
"No, it's just something I've really had on my mind lately."
"Well, go ahead - "
"What did I do wrong? I mean, I had to do something that turned you away, right? I'm just starting to get to the stage where I want to know what I'm doing wrong, why I can't keep a relationship going - "
"It's not you. Let me just say this, with us it was all about the spark. I tend to go for it if I feel that there is any kind of spark there. I did, at first. Then I didn't and yes, I was wrong but I do back out if I don't think that spark is around. I shouldn't have done that but I did."
"I see."
"You're not upset, are you?"
"No, no. I just keep feeling like the fault is all mine. I don't know. I'm only asking this now because I've had a good bit to drink."
He laughed. "Well, us hanging out can only help. Here's the thing, you, JP and I are quirky. We each have our thing that makes us a little bit different and makes the whole finding someone just a little bit harder. I like where we are too. And think of it this way, you're expanding your circle just by knowing us. Maybe you'll meet someone that way."
"True. I'm sorry, you wanted to get to bed. I'll let you go."
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes, I'm glad we talked about it."
"Good. Good night, and good luck with your date tomorrow."
"Thanks. I'll call you."
"Good night."
I hung up and went back inside to the throbbing music, smoke and beer feeling for once, better about the whole situation.
It's true. I'm glad TBD and I are where we are now. Friends. Good friends. And especially a friend with the unique perspective of having been someone I went out with. Yeah, it was a little weird for me at first and I'm not going to lie, hearing him talk about other girls started a little knot of jealousy right in the middle of my chest. And that was when I started thinking about what went wrong. After our talk it made me realize that it isn't always me. It just doesn't work, and that's that. No more, no less.
I also realized that just being friends is o.k. and how lucky I am to have such great people in my life both old and new.
The best part of getting older is that now when my friends and I get together, a good night consists of a bottle of wine (or two), some steaks on the grill and hanging out on the patio. I called L as soon as I got out of work to see what was on her agenda for the night. We both had some errands to run (ie, Mother's Day presents to buy) so the plan was to get together later for some grilling. And wine.
Did I mention there was wine?
We spent a pleasant spring night, hanging out with L's dad, who is a MASTER with the grill I might add, and catching up. Swapping stories about work and various going ons on in life. L lives in Hoboken and has much more exciting goings on than I do. She shared stories about work (she's a lawyer) and going out in the City to see Amy Winehouse or grab drinks at some incredibley cool bar. I talked about band practices and my upcoming part-time job with the baseball team. Before I knew it, we were through a bottle of Chardonay and a bottle of red (i'm thinking it was Merlot) was half gone. And I as feeling good.
Room mate #1 was getting out of work early so we hung out a little more at L's parents house until he called then met him out at our favorite watering hole. By this time we were both feeling very good so I nursed a beer when we got there. Room mate #1 and L started catching up when we sat down. I had heard some of the stories already so I checked my phone. TBD had called. I excused myself to go outside and call him back.
"You called?"
"Yeah, a while ago, we got first place today! My kids were awesome (he was at a competition with his 5th/6th grad band). I'm very proud of them."
"That's great!"
"Yeah. Where are you?"
"Out. L and I met up with Room Mate #1 for a few beers."
"Oh, I could have met you out. Too tired now, I'm going to get going."
"O.k., bye"
I hung up and went back inside. Then texted TBD. We had gotten off of the phone so fast I didn't get to ask him something that I had been thinking about for quite some time. Something that went back to last year.
After about 10 minutes he called me back.
"What's up? I'm just getting ready to go to bad."
"I'm sorry. And what I'm about to ask is not intended to cause trouble. I wouldn't trade what we have now for what it was like last year."
"Wow, this sounds serious."
"No, it's just something I've really had on my mind lately."
"Well, go ahead - "
"What did I do wrong? I mean, I had to do something that turned you away, right? I'm just starting to get to the stage where I want to know what I'm doing wrong, why I can't keep a relationship going - "
"It's not you. Let me just say this, with us it was all about the spark. I tend to go for it if I feel that there is any kind of spark there. I did, at first. Then I didn't and yes, I was wrong but I do back out if I don't think that spark is around. I shouldn't have done that but I did."
"I see."
"You're not upset, are you?"
"No, no. I just keep feeling like the fault is all mine. I don't know. I'm only asking this now because I've had a good bit to drink."
He laughed. "Well, us hanging out can only help. Here's the thing, you, JP and I are quirky. We each have our thing that makes us a little bit different and makes the whole finding someone just a little bit harder. I like where we are too. And think of it this way, you're expanding your circle just by knowing us. Maybe you'll meet someone that way."
"True. I'm sorry, you wanted to get to bed. I'll let you go."
"Do you feel better?"
"Yes, I'm glad we talked about it."
"Good. Good night, and good luck with your date tomorrow."
"Thanks. I'll call you."
"Good night."
I hung up and went back inside to the throbbing music, smoke and beer feeling for once, better about the whole situation.
It's true. I'm glad TBD and I are where we are now. Friends. Good friends. And especially a friend with the unique perspective of having been someone I went out with. Yeah, it was a little weird for me at first and I'm not going to lie, hearing him talk about other girls started a little knot of jealousy right in the middle of my chest. And that was when I started thinking about what went wrong. After our talk it made me realize that it isn't always me. It just doesn't work, and that's that. No more, no less.
I also realized that just being friends is o.k. and how lucky I am to have such great people in my life both old and new.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Passion
(I'm taking a page from the delightful Miss Charming and warning you in advance. This is a long post, but hopefully explains this blog and it's recent changes.)
I was a history major in college. That's something I don't think many of you know. At an early age I was enthralled with anything and everything related to the past. Being in such close proximity to Philadelphia (two hours east of my location) and Washington, D.C. (two hours south) made frequent trips to museums the cherry on my summer sundaes. The thought that I had a connection to these people who did so much before me, just thrilled me to no end. It was almost like I could imagine them and actually feel their struggles or triumphs. History is still a major part of my life, even if I'm not working in the field. I devour historical fiction novels like mad.
The original plan was for me to become a teacher. That's what most history major's do. They teach. But not me. No. Instead I decided in my sophomore year to drop that part of my major and just be a straight history major. It was three summers working as a park instructor that cured me of the teaching itch, as I realized I love kids, just not enough to be confined in a small room with 20-30 of them for 8 hours a day. Not so much.
When I graduated, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Law school? Grad school? Go back for a different degree? Take classes to become a paralegal? I had no idea.
So I worked at Wal-Mart. My parents, needless to say, were less than thrilled that after 4 years of college and a huge mountain of debt, I was working at Wal-Mart.
I was only at Wal-Mart about 8 months before I found a "real" job (which, as it turns out, I suffered through for 6 loooong years). In the interim I picked up a second job at our local newspaper. Once or twice a week I worked as a clerk in the sports department, taking scores, typing in high school results and answering the telephone.
And I fell in love.
Never, in my four years of college, or high school for that matter, had I even considered entering the journalism business. I wasn't exactly the best paper writer. Oh, I got by just fine but I was always the student printing out the 25 page Local Govt. paper at 7:30 a.m. the day it was due after having been up all night writing it. That's just how I operate, my best work always came at the last minute.
After moving into proofing some stories a little bit, I realized I could do what our correspondents were doing. Sure I hadn't been to J-School but I was college educated and grasped the basic tenants of writing. I begged my editor at the time to send me out to cover something, anything. He was a little hesitant but eventually sent me off to cover a local high school soccer game. My instructions were to focus on one player mostly, but keep it simple. My first story, was, to say the least, very, very rough. It's sitting in my clips folder at home and whenever I want a good chuckle, I pull it out and read it. Lucky for me my editor and the copy editors were very patient and willing to teach as I went along.
It wasn't long before I added news clips to my folder. The head city editor put me in as an editorial assistant on Sundays, typing in bits and pieces of small stuff as it came in. Then I was made "obit writer", my primary beat being stories about people who had recently passed on. Believe it or not, I loved it. It was mixing my two favorite things, history and human interest, into one nice package. I also became the go to person in the newsroom when we were super busy (third string, if you will). There were a few occasions where I was sent out to cover something because a bigger news even happened and the main writers that day were otherwise occupied.
With my new confidence, I started applying for full-time writing jobs. I had a few interviews but not much more than that. It really started bringing me down. Especially since I kept applying for jobs at my own newspaper, and they kept rejecting me. One of the city editors told me I didn't have enough experience...despite having worked there for almost 5 years at that point. I became frustrated and very disillusioned about the whole thing, so I left the paper as I didn't see any other option available to me. It wasn't the easiest decision. I loved writing. I loved my co-workers (one of which is still my best friend in the whole wide world). I cried my last night because I didn't really want to leave.
I moved away from writing for awhile. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But it was needed, for my own sake.
Now that I've gotten over a few personal issues, I'm more than ever determined to start writing again about the one thing that gets my blood moving...sports. I've always loved sports so anything that I can do to combine the two is right up my alley. The idea for the change in this blog to a more sports oriented theme stems from that. And the fact that several people outside of the blogosphere, none of which should have ever seen this blog, told me they found it didn't help.
So here we are. A new direction. I'm excited and yes, I will be heavy on the O's, Duke basketball and Penn State Football (I'm a fan, sue me.). But I'll make sure to include other tidbits regarding sports that my interest. Because if nothing else, working in the journalism industry taught me to be fair and balanced...and not in a FOX News "fair and balanced" kind of way either.
(I'm taking a page from the delightful Miss Charming and warning you in advance. This is a long post, but hopefully explains this blog and it's recent changes.)
I was a history major in college. That's something I don't think many of you know. At an early age I was enthralled with anything and everything related to the past. Being in such close proximity to Philadelphia (two hours east of my location) and Washington, D.C. (two hours south) made frequent trips to museums the cherry on my summer sundaes. The thought that I had a connection to these people who did so much before me, just thrilled me to no end. It was almost like I could imagine them and actually feel their struggles or triumphs. History is still a major part of my life, even if I'm not working in the field. I devour historical fiction novels like mad.
The original plan was for me to become a teacher. That's what most history major's do. They teach. But not me. No. Instead I decided in my sophomore year to drop that part of my major and just be a straight history major. It was three summers working as a park instructor that cured me of the teaching itch, as I realized I love kids, just not enough to be confined in a small room with 20-30 of them for 8 hours a day. Not so much.
When I graduated, I had no idea what I wanted to do. Law school? Grad school? Go back for a different degree? Take classes to become a paralegal? I had no idea.
So I worked at Wal-Mart. My parents, needless to say, were less than thrilled that after 4 years of college and a huge mountain of debt, I was working at Wal-Mart.
I was only at Wal-Mart about 8 months before I found a "real" job (which, as it turns out, I suffered through for 6 loooong years). In the interim I picked up a second job at our local newspaper. Once or twice a week I worked as a clerk in the sports department, taking scores, typing in high school results and answering the telephone.
And I fell in love.
Never, in my four years of college, or high school for that matter, had I even considered entering the journalism business. I wasn't exactly the best paper writer. Oh, I got by just fine but I was always the student printing out the 25 page Local Govt. paper at 7:30 a.m. the day it was due after having been up all night writing it. That's just how I operate, my best work always came at the last minute.
After moving into proofing some stories a little bit, I realized I could do what our correspondents were doing. Sure I hadn't been to J-School but I was college educated and grasped the basic tenants of writing. I begged my editor at the time to send me out to cover something, anything. He was a little hesitant but eventually sent me off to cover a local high school soccer game. My instructions were to focus on one player mostly, but keep it simple. My first story, was, to say the least, very, very rough. It's sitting in my clips folder at home and whenever I want a good chuckle, I pull it out and read it. Lucky for me my editor and the copy editors were very patient and willing to teach as I went along.
It wasn't long before I added news clips to my folder. The head city editor put me in as an editorial assistant on Sundays, typing in bits and pieces of small stuff as it came in. Then I was made "obit writer", my primary beat being stories about people who had recently passed on. Believe it or not, I loved it. It was mixing my two favorite things, history and human interest, into one nice package. I also became the go to person in the newsroom when we were super busy (third string, if you will). There were a few occasions where I was sent out to cover something because a bigger news even happened and the main writers that day were otherwise occupied.
With my new confidence, I started applying for full-time writing jobs. I had a few interviews but not much more than that. It really started bringing me down. Especially since I kept applying for jobs at my own newspaper, and they kept rejecting me. One of the city editors told me I didn't have enough experience...despite having worked there for almost 5 years at that point. I became frustrated and very disillusioned about the whole thing, so I left the paper as I didn't see any other option available to me. It wasn't the easiest decision. I loved writing. I loved my co-workers (one of which is still my best friend in the whole wide world). I cried my last night because I didn't really want to leave.
I moved away from writing for awhile. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But it was needed, for my own sake.
Now that I've gotten over a few personal issues, I'm more than ever determined to start writing again about the one thing that gets my blood moving...sports. I've always loved sports so anything that I can do to combine the two is right up my alley. The idea for the change in this blog to a more sports oriented theme stems from that. And the fact that several people outside of the blogosphere, none of which should have ever seen this blog, told me they found it didn't help.
So here we are. A new direction. I'm excited and yes, I will be heavy on the O's, Duke basketball and Penn State Football (I'm a fan, sue me.). But I'll make sure to include other tidbits regarding sports that my interest. Because if nothing else, working in the journalism industry taught me to be fair and balanced...and not in a FOX News "fair and balanced" kind of way either.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Forcing my hand
You (all of three of you that still come here on a regular basis) may have noticed my extended absence from this blog recently. While yes, time is very short for me right now to do blogging, that is not my excuse for abandoning my corner of the internet.
I have been found.
By several people I did not intend to EVER see this blog.
Now I'm at a crossroads. I want to keep the blog. I don't want to get rid of it but I think, the focus is going to have to shift considerably. This was always the place that I went to in order to vent, let loose and get things off of my chest. Not so much anymore. If I know people who know me very closely are reading this, I am more likely to edit myself. And I don't want to do that. One of the promises I made to myself a long time ago when this was started was that I wouldn't edit myself. Everything would be put out there raw and uncovered. Because that is how I am and the only way to get it off my mind is to put it out there.
Not so much anymore. So instead, this blog will be going through a transformation, if you will in the next week. New background being just one of the more noticeable changes along with a title and content...which will now be more sports themed. My first post will explain all.
Thank you to everyone who has been there with me as I've written about almost every aspect of this tiny speck of a life I have. Especially those who have become good internet friends. I hope you will continue to read after I've made the changes. If you don't, that's o.k. Just drop in every now and then to say hi, that's all I ask.
You (all of three of you that still come here on a regular basis) may have noticed my extended absence from this blog recently. While yes, time is very short for me right now to do blogging, that is not my excuse for abandoning my corner of the internet.
I have been found.
By several people I did not intend to EVER see this blog.
Now I'm at a crossroads. I want to keep the blog. I don't want to get rid of it but I think, the focus is going to have to shift considerably. This was always the place that I went to in order to vent, let loose and get things off of my chest. Not so much anymore. If I know people who know me very closely are reading this, I am more likely to edit myself. And I don't want to do that. One of the promises I made to myself a long time ago when this was started was that I wouldn't edit myself. Everything would be put out there raw and uncovered. Because that is how I am and the only way to get it off my mind is to put it out there.
Not so much anymore. So instead, this blog will be going through a transformation, if you will in the next week. New background being just one of the more noticeable changes along with a title and content...which will now be more sports themed. My first post will explain all.
Thank you to everyone who has been there with me as I've written about almost every aspect of this tiny speck of a life I have. Especially those who have become good internet friends. I hope you will continue to read after I've made the changes. If you don't, that's o.k. Just drop in every now and then to say hi, that's all I ask.