Monday, June 04, 2007


It's quiet in the house. Room mate #1 is off in Dover, Del. at the NASCAR Race (he's such a closet redneck it isn't funny) and Room mate #2 is sleeping. At least I think he is, I've heard his alarm go off about 3 or 4 times now.

Strange enough, it's even quiet outside. A small miracle considering the amount of traffic that goes by on the street perpendicular to mine. By this time at least one fire engine or ambulance has wailed down the street. Not tonight though.

I love it. The quiet that is. After dinner (beef, squash, yellow squash and rice in a tomato sauce) I've just been sitting in the living room, enjoying the quiet.

And thinking.

I'm trying not to get too excited about what happened Friday night. I've been replaying the whole scene over and over again (this time without the fogginess of alcohol or sleep deprivation) and really, I'm not even sure it was what I'm making it out to be. Yes, HM kissed me. Yes, he gave me a lot of attention while I was there...but I just don't want to think that it's more than him just being nice to me. Maybe my brain, afraid of another deep wound to my heart, is telling my heart that it really wasn't all that much. That ist was what it was, and that is it.

I'm so afraid to let myself fall for this guy. I know I can't let my life go by in fear of being rejected, again, but seriously, I'm so tired of it I just can't muster the energy to bring myself to get excited. In the back of my head that voice (the one I really wish would shut the hell up) is telling me that it's not worth it to even try because really, why would a guy like that go out with someone like me?


When TBD called me tonight I wanted to talk to him about it because he wasn't there Friday night. And as hard as it may be to believe, he is just the person I want to talk to about it. Odd, I know considering everything there is between us but he really has become just the one person right now I want to talk about this kind of thing with. I guess because he does know me so well, he can see right through the BS and tells it like it is. He knows what I'm like when I'm trying to make things work with a guy...first hand.

Unfortunately he had to hang up as he was on his way home from a field trip.

So now it's just my thoughts and I, in the living room with a bottle of wine...enjoying the silence, for just a little bit anyway.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whaddaya mean "someone like me?" You're an intelligent, beautiful and incredibly attractive woman. Why wouldn't he (or any other man for that matter) want to go out with someone like you?

You deserve this. Go for it.