Monday, May 07, 2007

Shrinking

I haven't talked about it too much, but I'm losing weight.

The subject of my weight is one I don't talk too much about. It fluctuates, goes up and down on a whim. I've always said all I need to do is look at a piece of cheesecake and I'd gain 5lbs. For the longest time I didn't do anything about it then a few years ago (going on almost 5 now) Former Room mate and I did L.A. Weightloss.

And boy did I lose. At the most, I dropped just about 50lbs. And I loved it. I was wearing clothing sizes I could only dream of and was actually petite. Not just short. It felt good. But it didn't last because, well, I didn't deal with the inside. I exercised and worked on my portion sizes. I denied myself carbs and beer. And like a good little droid I followed the plan to the T.

An almost a year later I had regained about half of the weight.

Two years later, it was all back.

And again, I wasn't happy. And because I wasn't happy, I ate. I gained more weight, ate some more...and well, you can see where this is going, right?

Every now and then when I was frustrated because my favorite jeans didn't fit, I would go all out and drop 5lbs or so. But that was it and it almost always came back. Stupid little bastards.

Lately though, I've been dealing more with the inside part. Through talking with my room mate who is transforming himself through exercise and better eating habits and just talking to other friends, I'm realizing that yes, it's more a matter of health than anything else. And not until I'm healthy inside will I be healthy outside. Yeah, I still have issues and I'm starting to get over them. That guy I always said I'd never get past? Only crosses my mind every now and then. The self-esteem issues? Still there, but now I know I deserve to be happy and if I can't make myself happy then who will? The bits about my dad, well, that's going to take some professional help I think. We haven't spoken for some time. He usually calls out of the blue to tell me he's working on fixing himself, then I'll talk to my mom and find out he's lied again about movng back home or stopping the divorce proceedings. It's a never ending cycle.

But I'm working on it. And working on myself at the same time. No more excuses. I'm more concious about what I eat and make sure I get to the gym (or at least run outside when I'm bored with the gym) at least three times a week. It's nice to have the free time again to do it. Tonight I got back on the ice again and despite the puck sized bruise on my torso and sore muscles, it felt good.

So yes, I'm shrinking. So far I'm down about 6lbs from the last weigh in. A good start but I need to do more. It's about my health now and that is worth it more than the smaller sizes.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

No matter what you weigh, you're a very beautiful woman.

If you wish to lose weight for your health, that's great! But never let your self-esteem get tied up with issues surrounding how much you weigh. It simply isn't worth it.

agategoddess said...

Thanks anonymous. It's something I really have a hard time with.