Thursday, July 05, 2007


Life, sometimes I think, likes to throw us for a loop every now and then. Just to keep us on our toes.

Today I had to make a deicision about band that I was, honestly, dreading. For the longest time I was putting it off, this decision because it was just something I didn't want to do. I knew I'd have to make someone unhappy that I care very much for. And by nature, I don't like to cause people pain. Which is why I am usually the one getting hurt, but anyway, that's beside the point.

Back to the point I'm trying to make if there is one in all of this.

I made my decision. For better, for worse I decided to finally put myself first and take one more thing off of my plate this fall...sort of. In the end I really am no better off than I was before, I still have the responsibility, just on a smaller level. I am taking over as head guard instructor at the high school I've been with for the last three years. AND instead of taking over at TBD's school like I had planned, I'll still be on staff. Just not as involved as planned. There's only one problem. During the course of our conversation, M (guard instructer at TBD's school and a very good friend) made a comment about indoor season and how I'd be in charge. And I don't think I want to do it.

TBD and I spoke a little bit about it tonight. He's that kind of friend, out with his friends in New York and takes time to listen to me be slightly mental for a little bit. But again, I digress. I said I honestly don't think I want to go back for indoor because I hardly have any time for myself anymore. I need time for me. He agreed and said who cares if you don't come back? We'll still be friends and if M get's mad...well oh well. I see his point, really, I do but M is counting on me to do indoor right? And if I am going to back out of it, I need to do it soon so he can make arrangements otherwise.

I don't know, I'm a little confused about the whole thing right now.

Then TBD told me if he can, he's moving to NJ next year and would ask both JP and I to go with him. I was stunned. I mean, I bitch and complain about living in Pennsyltucky all of the time but really, isn't there a time in your life when you need to stop the moving around. Stop running away and just face up to your life? It's tearing me apart to even THINK that those two won't be around but I just don't know if I could move away...just like that and start all over again. I'm up for new experiences and new challenges but Sweet baby moses, I'm getting too old for that.

I never thought I'd hear myself say this but I want to start putting down roots. Sure, maybe not here but I want to start settling down. It's time I act like an adult.

I don't know, I guess I'm just confused. About a lot of things.

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