Thursday, March 26, 2009

Vesuvius, only with a shorter fuse

If there is one part of my genetic makeup, personality, what have you that I am not proud of it is my temper. Sometimes it simmers until it explodes, other times it's a quick burst of yelling followed by tears and most of the time it involves me jumping off the deep end (a phrase my dad likes to use a lot) without stopping to think.

Twice this week I went off the deep end. Way off the deep end. So far off the deep end I almost hit the bottom.

I could chalk it up to PMS, which is for some reason worse right now than usual.

I could chalk my fits of anger, high blood pressure and red faced sobbing to stress, which is pretty high right now too.

But really what it boils down to is that I have a bad temper and more often than not, I act before I think. Not exactly the mature way a 33 year old should present herself but let's call a horse a horse and say what it is. I have a bad temper. And I forget that sometimes when I lash out because of it, I hurt other people or bring the ugliest part of my personality front and center.

Reflecting back on the things I said and did, I'm not proud of myself. I acted like a child who didn't get her way. Kind of like my 2 year old niece when she doesn't get what she wants right this minute. I don't like the person I become when my temper get's away from me. I take on this hard edge that won't take anything from anyone. I don't take into account other people who are in the line of fire. I don't know why lately it's been so bad but this temper of mine is making me someone I hardly even recognize.

This isn't me.

It's o.k. to be angry, I know that. In fact it's not healthy to hold it in and let it stew. I used to do that too, and ended up eating my emotions. I think that maybe that may be part of my problem. In my quest to be healthy and eat healthier, I'm not eating my anger but instead now I don't know what to do with it. Will suggested I get a punching bag, which, does sound like a good idea. As for Will, well, I feel bad when I get like this. When we first started dating I warned him I had a bad temper. That I could blow my top at a moments notice and heaven help anyone who happened to be in my way. It wasn't until this week's explosions that he REALLY saw what I meant. And like the wonderful, patient loving boyfriend he is, he put it to me straight. He was that calming voice I needed to hear and the voice of reason telling me what I may not have wanted to hear, but should.

I'm hoping with things getting back to "normal" at work (normal in quotations because my work is anything but normal) my stress level will go down and I won't be as on edge as I've been. The PMS will be gone too so that will help a good deal. Still, I know I need to work on this. I know I need to stop, breathe, count to 30 and not blow my top. Because really, who want's to be close to a volcano when it's going off?

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