Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I'm going to take a moment and vent. No, not just vent but let off some steam about how freaking STUPID I am and how I can manage to totally eff up my life. Just to put it out there, this move has been nothing but one big mind blender for me. I've moved away from my family, which, is not necessarily a bad thing but I miss them all very much so there's that in my head.

The part that I'm having problems with has to do with my money situation. As if that is anything new to anyone who has read this blog for any period of time. I left a pretty stable job that though I freaking hated it on any given day, gave me steady income and benefits to take a position as a hostess in a restaurant (I can hear my college asking for my diploma back right now). A job that does provide some income but because I SUCK at managing my money has left me with not enough. Not enough to pay for my cell phone (it got turned off today because I thought I had set up automatic payments but I guess I never did so it's 3 months behind) which is my only line of communication. Not enough to continue paying off my student loans (financial forebearance forms need to go in the mail tomorrow so I don't get penalized because, you know, it's hard just to survive going from earning $13 and hour to $5 an hour). And just not enough. Sigh. It's not that I haven't been trying to find something new. I have. Almost every day I send out my resume and don't hear a peep. I hate that I owe money to Will and several others who were nice enough to help me out recently. I HATE that at this age I suck so bad at life. Because that's what it boils down to. I suck at life.

There's a check coming for my last season of band that will help but in the end, what's going to happen after that? What if I can't find anything more stable? Better paying? What if this is the best I'm going to do for myself? I don't know if I can stand to look myself in the mirror if it is. And Will? Well, he's probably better off without me at this stage because right now I'm just a heavy anchor weighing him down.

I just don't know what to do...

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