Down

I feel like I'm in a down cycle right now.

To be honest, this doesn't happen very often. Usually I'm a fairly happy person. And I do have a lot to be happy about. I have a good job which most days, I like. I have a loving husband who supports me and loves me as I am and is always pushing me to strive for better. My family is always there for me and I have my cats, who love me unconditionally and bring humor on an almost daily basis.

But for some reason, lately, I feel down.

Part of it has to do with the funeral I attended today. My dear friend, who I've been friends with since about the 4th grade, lost his mother on Thursday. My own sadness over this is overwhelming, I can't even begin to imagine how he is feeling. It's almost as if I've lost another mother.

And the other part, which is something I've only really started dealing with is that I have found that yet ANOTHER friend, acquaintance, co-worker, etc. is pregnant. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be longing to have a baby, I would have laughed in your face. Children were never at the top of my priority list. Heck neither was marriage, but you know how that changed. As we get older, priorities do change and now as I'm getting closer to 40, I'm wondering if my time has passed.

Yes, so many of my friends have had babies in the last year and they're older, like me. But I can't help but wonder if I've waited too long to want this. If when we finally start trying, not only will we be unsuccessful, but it will pull me down to my lowest low when we aren't.

Lots of heavy stuff on my brain and I apologize for dragging anyone down with me. I just needed to vent and throw this off of my chest. I'm happy for all of those ladies I know who are expecting, but at the same time I get a bit of internal sadness, too.