Thursday, April 30, 2009

Conversations I never thought I'd be having

At my doctor's office last week:

"So, how was your year?" Nancy my nurse practitioner is fabulous. Straight forward and the favorite of any of my medical professionals.

"It was good. Busy, too busy!"

"Well that's understandable considering all of your jobs. Are you still seeing the same guy you were when I saw you last year?"

"As a matter of fact, yes I am. We've even brought up the M word." That made her chuckle. She turned on her stool and looked at me. "It's o.k. to say it Wendy. Marrrriiiiaaaaggggeee." Nancy and I go back a ways, so she's well aware of my committment issues.

I laughed a little too. "O.k., o.k., marriage...but not just yet. We are moving in together at the end of the summer though and maybe, in the next couple of years head in that direction. Which makes me bring this up. Um...well...I was hard is it to get pregnant after being on the pill as long as I have?" The last part came out in a rush and my face turned red. Embarassed to be sitting in a room wearing nothing but a hospital gown and a paper sheet? No. But bring up the idea of having children, and my face turns the color of an over ripe strawberry.

"No, it's a reasonable question, and at the age you could potentially be when this happens, I'm glad you brought it up."

What followed was a conversation that to be honest, I never in a million years expected to have. Nancy went over with me the risks of preganancy as I get older and how I need now to start taking care of myself. Lose weight. Eat healthier. Pay more attention to my body and just treat it better. It was a wake up call because, let me tell you, more and more I'm seeing my life stretching out ahead of me and it not only includes Will, but a small version of the both of us.

For many years I believed the whole wife and mother thing was not for me. It was a protection mechanism, I see that now. If I didn't allow myself to think that I would head down that road then when indeed I did wind up on my own, I wouldn't be disappointed. And actually I tell Will all the time that right before I met him, I was in the process of giving up. Allowing myself to believe that I was 32 and my opportunities had passed. I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. But now, well, now I do have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'm almost certain that he feels the same way. At least I hope he does. If we keep heading down this path we're on, the idea of children is very real and considering my age, will have to happen hopefully before I'm in my 4th decade which is not all that far off.

Finally, it's an idea that doesn't scare the jeebers out of me.

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