Getting off of the chest time

O.k., so, I haven't talked about it much with anyone but, remember this guy? Well, about a month ago, he came back into the picture. Completely out of nowhere one night while I was enjoying a night of television with one of the room mates, my cell phone buzzed.

It was almost 10ish and I knew that if it was any of my friends, it was important.

I looked.

A number I didn't recognize popped up.

It was him. I was, for lack of a better word, shocked. He had been deleted from my cell phone many months ago to avoid any embarrassing late night attempts at a hook up and what not. I know myself when I'm drunk and let's just say I might as well wear the crown as Queen of the Drunk Dial. But I digress.

We texted back and forth, on and off for the past month. He was becoming increasingly persuasive in attempts to get me to come over. I held back. I didn't want to get into something I wasn't all that enthusiastic about. And then I did something I'm not proud of. I agreed to hold the "FWB" (Friends With Benefits) status. We still went a good bit of time before anything happened. Schedules were just too hectic with jobs, etc. for us to get together.

Until today.

Today I bit the bullet and went to his place. Where we attacked each other as soon as I walked in the door. In my defense, it has been since March since I've seen any action and a girl can only go so long before she can't take it anymore. So we did it. Twice.

And my mind was a million miles away.

You see, awhile back, I actually let myself love someone...and have not been able to get over him. By now, I should have moved on, but I can't. I just can't. My heart is in one place and that, my friends, is where it's stuck no matter how many guys I'm with, I just can't make myself feel something I don't. Which, I guess in this case, is a good thing.

As I was leaving I got the "I may disappear" speech. Yeah, cause I've never heard that before. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I'd probably just end up deleting him again anyway.

On my way home I cried. I didn't want to but the tears welled up and I just had to let them out. What was I becoming? This isn't me! I just want to be loved and be happy again.

Will this guy and I hook up again? Doubtful. I'm taking my friend L's advice and going dark. I need time to think and not be distracted by good sex. And maybe find a man who appreciates me for me.